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My Family vs. Another Essential Need  

    Do I bow out and leave a void? Or do I have a responsibility beyond the walls of my home?

Moderated by Faigy Peritzman

 

We live in a small out-of-town city where every member of the community makes a difference. When we first moved here, I loved the opportunity to get involved and volunteered for the chevra kaddisha and made meals for families in crisis. Over the years, I’ve become the head of the women’s chevra kaddisha, as well as the coordinator of Meals on Wheels. I feel tremendous satisfaction knowing I’m filling a niche in the community, utilizing my talents and organizational drive to help others in a way that no one else can.

However, as my children are growing older, they’ve become more vocal in their resentment of sharing my time and energies with those outside our family. I try very hard to be there for them, yet obviously my work with the chevra kaddisha cannot be contained to specific time frames, and between that and the meal coordination, I often need to be out of the house just when my kids are home.

I’m torn. Yes, my family is my top priority, but I’m filling an essential need that I don’t see anyone else able to take over, or even assist me. I know the members of our kehillah well, and each one does what they can, in a way that works best for them. Do I bow out and leave a void? Or do I have a responsibility beyond the walls of my home?

 

Rabbi Avrohom Weinrib is the rav of Congregation Zichron Eliezer in Cincinatti, OH.

Let me begin by congratulating you. Out-of-town living was created for people like you, people who enjoy giving of themselves and really want to make a difference, people who strive to express their incredible inner kochos and who understand the importance of responsibility to others. I believe this is the main reason people choose to live out of town. Our community in Cincinnati is filled with people like yourself, as are all small out-of-town communities.

That said, the dilemma you present is real. The ability to balance it all is something every one of us, out-of-towners and in-towners alike, struggle with. We balance work versus family, personal spiritual growth versus family time; the list goes on and on. Practically everything in life forces us to choose between one value against the other, and it often isn’t clear what takes priority.

However, I believe that in your case, it’s clear. Your own children take precedence over any community need. Period. And if those needs won’t get taken care of, then so be it.

I want to share with you something I heard from my rebbi, Rav Yosef Elefant shlita: Hashem doesn’t need us to take care of the infinite needs that exist in His world. He can take care of all the bikkur cholims, chevra kaddishas, Hatzolahs, and Chaveirims without us. However, He allows us the privilege, the unequivocal zechus of following in His ways of giving, helping, and taking care of others.

But if it’s not the right thing for us to be doing, have no fear. HaKadosh Baruch Hu won’t allow a need to fall through the cracks. He has enough resources to get it taken care of. So when we make a decision to put our family first, there’s no need to feel guilty or worried. We know we’re doing our part and can be assured Hashem is doing His.

There is one crucial point I’d like to add; allow me to do this by sharing our personal journey. For the past nine years, my wife and I were given the greatest blessing we could have envisioned: the opportunity to serve the beautiful frum community of Cincinnati, Ohio. The responsibilities, as you might imagine, are taxing and, at many points along the journey, we felt ourselves faced with a similar dilemma as you describe — how do we balance it all?

Excerpted from Mishpacha Magazine. To view full version, SUBSCRIBE FOR FREE or LOG IN.

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