My mentor’s approach feels more hashkafically correct, but my therapist’s attitude seems more practical and helpful

Moderated by Faigy Peritzman

After several years of marriage, I realized it was time to reach out for help. Shanah rishonah had been great, but over the years and with each successive child, things had spiraled rapidly out of control. The tension and negativity in our home had become unbearable.

I began seeing an excellent marriage coach/mentor. Propelled by a strong drive to make things better, I really invested myself into grueling inner work.  After  a few months, my  mentor referred me to a professional therapist to help me pinpoint my challenges.

I immediately connected well with my therapist, and slowly but surely, I began to see progress... on my end. My husband also agreed to see a therapist, but after a year, although he claims he sees progress, I don’t see much of it in our daily relationship. My therapist suggested couples therapy, but my husband is adamant that it’s enough that we are each seeing our own personal therapists — he doesn’t see a need for more.

I’ve stayed in touch with my mentor all this time, speaking with her on a weekly basis for moral support. I often review issues with her that I work on in therapy as well. Lately, though, my mentor expressed concern that my therapist’s approach to marriage isn’t completely aligned with the Torah way, despite the fact that she’s a frum woman.

For example, my therapist feels very strongly that my husband needs to do his share in working on our marriage, because one spouse alone won’t accomplish much. But my mentor claims the Torah perspective is that each spouse needs to put all of their efforts into marriage, regardless of what their spouse does or doesn’t do.  My therapist insists we’re at a standstill since my husband refuses couples therapy, while my mentor is convinced that my own inner work is beneficial for both of us.

I spoke to our rav, but because many of these thoughts are very subtle, he felt he couldn’t guide me. He also was confident that since the therapist is a frum woman in our community, I could rely on her.

I feel like I’m caught between two opposing approaches, and I’m confused. I like my therapist a lot, and I think I’m improving in many areas of my life, but is she leading me on the correct path? My mentor’s approach feels more hashkafically correct, but my therapist’s attitude seems more practical and helpful. What is the Torah approach to one’s avodah in marriage? And what do I do when I’m not sure which method to follow?

Rabbi Dovid Ostroff, formerly the rav of the Neve Family Clinic, is a posek in Har Nof, Israel.

The bond of marriage has many elements. In addressing this question, we will focus on two major parts. The marriage bond has two major components. One is the mutual obligations and benefits that apply to both parties in the marriage, and the other is their unity and shleimus.

The former is partially outlined in the marriage kesubah, and includes elements such as providing physical care, clothing, a place to live, etc. Were we to simplify it, if, in a particular household, for example, the wife does the cooking and the husband goes out to work and earns a living, or vice versa, both are contributing to the mutual upkeep of the home, with each one performing their respective tasks.

In his monumental work, To Become One: The Torah Outlook on Marriage, Rav Ezriel Tauber ztz”l writes that as long as the marriage is intact, each party is required to continue doing his part, even if the other party is not living up to their side of the agreement.  For example, he must still pay for medical bills even if she refuses to cook meals. Rav Tauber compares such a marriage to a body where a certain limb, like a hand, is not functioning so well. The rest of the body does not punish the hand; to the contrary, it will do as much as it can to make up for the hand’s limitations.

On the other hand, unity and shleimus must be a mutual goal. For two parts to become a whole, to personify the Torah ideal of “they shall be of one flesh,” both parties are required to contribute enormously toward that objective. If one party believes he or she is perfect and that it is only the other person who needs to improve and change, while a neutral party believes that both require change, shleimus will not be reached.