My husband refuses to loan my brother a down payment

MY

husband and I are by no means wealthy, but fortunately, we’re able to make a solid parnassah and support our family. My husband is super-responsible financially and is careful to set up trust funds for the kids, make pension investments, etc.

I very much appreciate his careful approach to money and support him in all these decisions, and work to keep within our budget.

Recently, though, we came head-to-head in a sticky financial decision. My younger brother, whom I am very close to, approached us and asked for a loan to help him buy a house.

My brother is a rebbi, his wife is a speech therapist, and I know it took them a long time to even save up the down payment for this. Because his income is in a low bracket, he was looking for loans to supplement the mortgage they’d take, thus avoiding higher interest payments.

I was completely on board to help out my sibling, even though it’s a substantial sum, and lending it to him would mean we’d have less than usual to put into savings for the next while. However, my husband is far more cautious, and told me he wants to refuse. He feels that my brother’s plans to repay the loans weren’t completely sustainable, and we may run into a risk of him not being able to complete payments on time.

I was stunned. This is my brother! So what if he’d be a bit late in his checks? He wouldn’t leave us high and dry. And how could we not help family?

My husband’s attitude is exactly the opposite: Never mix finances and family. If anything goes wrong, we’d be the ones losing out, because you can’t demand money that family doesn’t have.

I feel confused and torn, caught between my husband and my brother. Should I listen to my husband? Flat-out refuse to help my brother? How do I navigate this?

Rabbi Avrohom Neuberger is the rav of Congregation Shaarei Tefillah of New Hempstead and the author of Sefer Chofetz Chaim Elucidated, a Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation project (ArtScroll\Mesorah)

Before discussing tactics as to how to get your husband to do what you want (a noble cause, no doubt), let’s discuss who is objectively right and wrong. After all, maybe… just maybe… he’s right (gasp).

I actually believe that you both may be somewhat right.  Before offering one’s own ideas and intuition about any topic, we have to clarify whether halachah addresses the question. And in this case, it certainly does, in that Chazal interpret the verse of “Im kesef talveh es ami….” as a commandment to extend loans to those who need it.

The halachah of who must extend loans, to whom, how much, and under what circumstances, are laid out in the Chofetz Chaim’s classic work, Ahavas Chesed. He mentions there that in the order of priorities as to whom one should lend money, a relative actually precedes a non-relative.

However, the obligation to lend someone money means that one must sacrifice the usage of his money (that he’s not currently using) to allow someone else to make money by using that money. It doesn’t obligate one to sacrifice the principle, to give up the money entirely.