She made me go out with a blockhead, but she can’t make me marry him

I forgot to brush my teeth and my hair’s all frizzed up and when my date walked me out a few hours ago, I tripped on some kid’s bike and fell down the front steps with all the neighbors watching, and by mistake I opened the car door myself, and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad date.

At the hotel I saw my friend Rena and her date cackling at each other like they’d never met anyone more hilarious, and my classmate Yael was deep in conversation with her date like she saw something uniquely fascinating about him, but in my date all I saw was a stranger.

I think I’ll move to Australia.

When we went to get drinks, the bartender wanted to know how we met and how long we’d known each other. She said we made a really cute couple. The date looked offended. I said, “Um, thanks,” like an idiot. I said, “That’s really nice of you,” like an idiot. I said, “Somebody please stop me.” Like an idiot. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad date.