Your daughter wants to fit in; she also wants the comforts of a husband who will support her

Q

My daughter is 20 and in shidduchim — please daven for us! She really wants a fine boy who is a yerei Shamayim and prioritizes learning; but more than anything, she wants to be the kind of mother who stays home with her children until they’re old enough to go to school.

To me, that means working boy — if she’s at home, and he’s in kollel, who is paying the rent and heat and electric? But when I discuss it with close friends and family, I am being strongly advised to say that she’s looking for a “short-term learner,” because the boys in shidduchim who are working won’t be good matches for her.

That feels to me like lying, and my daughter’s not comfortable misrepresenting herself either. What should we do?

A

In all honesty, I was worried that this question would present itself. I was hoping to avoid addressing it, but I am hearing it with such frequency and urgency that I have no choice but to enter the lion’s den.

There are few elements involved in answering your query, and we will try to cover them all. Let’s dissect your question.

1. She really wants “A, B, and C”— a fine boy, who is a yerei Shamayim, and who prioritizes learning— three very worthy attributes.
2. “But,” you continue, “more than anything, she wants to be the kind of mother who is home with her children.” This adds a fourth factor, “D,” to the equation.
3. Now we have a conflict. Item D, her husband having a fully supporting parnassah, trumps all three items, A, B, and C, in statement 1.
4. Friends and family are advising you to play around with words, because this is just a game.
5. But you feel like that would be lying, and your daughter is not comfortable saying that her husband having that kind of parnassah is not the most important thing to her, when really it is.

We are dealing with confusion, delusion, and collusion.