Photos: Menachem Kalish

They start off their marriage on the blessed island called kollel life, of living each day immersed in the spiritual energy of learning Torah, or of enabling a spouse to learn Torah.

Then it starts — a casual comment, a financial reckoning.

And when that moment comes — as it inevitably does for most — when the kollel years give way to a different reality, the battle begins.

It’s the battle not just for time and space, but for an identity, a battle that will never really end. How will the home react to the change? How will the next chapter unfold, once the shift is made?

Is it possible to keep a Torah focus if the father spends most of his day serving customers, balancing numbers, or developing properties?

This challenge forces couples to look inward and answer tough questions about themselves,

about their hopes and dreams and ambitions for the future.

Often, it will also send them to the homes or offices of their rebbeim or rabbanim — wise, experienced voices who can help map out the road ahead, point out both the pitfalls and the opportunities.

Rav Elya Brudny: It Was There All Along

Chazal will often point to a case of two people who appear to be similar and experience identical situations, yet their outcomes are very different

Chazal analyze and identify the pivotal element that creates that difference.

Today, we see two types of balabatim: the balabos who is fully engaged in making a living yet he remains a ben Torah, and the balabos who enters the workplace and completely leaves yeshivah behind.

What’s the difference?

People don’t just suddenly split into two camps the instant they enter the workforce. The differences must have been present before, even if they weren’t always apparent or evident. In the case of these two working men, both learned in yeshivah and kollel, but one was always deeply connected to the Torah with nothing else competing for his mind and heart. When this person leaves kollel because reality dictates that he feed his family, he signed a kesubah and undertook to support his wife, after all, he remains the same person. He is essentially connected to the Torah just as he always was, and the Torah itself is guiding him in this decision.

The second one, however, learned well, but he was always drawn in by the world beyond the beis medrash. He leaves kollel for the same reason, but he runs headfirst into the world that has been beckoning for so long.

The moment that the doors to the outside world open is the moment you see what was really going on all along.

It’s very sad to see people who really learned well, they toed the line, they appeared to shteig in yeshivah and kollel, suddenly become unrecognizable. Three months after they’ve gone to work, they look different. It’s very unsettling. What happened?

The factor that creates a Torahdig balabos lies in a single word: shei’fos. Spiritual goals. Dreams of growth. That’s it.

A person, a couple, with dreams of growth, are Torahdig. If they are aware of what they’re accomplishing and they live with spiritual reckoning, they will remain connected to Torah.
I recently heard something that moved me. A gentleman in Lakewood, a balabos, wanted to have a connection with Rav Shlomo Feivel Schustal. When Rav Shlomo Feivel moved to Lakewood, this man asked for a seder with the Rosh Yeshivah, who had a very full schedule. Where did they find the time to learn? He offered to drive Rav Shlomo Feivel to yeshivah each day. Once a day, during this five-minute drive, they learn mussar. They’ve almost completed the entire Shaarei Teshuvah. Because this man realized that Olam Hazeh is a tough place — it pulls you down and tries to break you — he found himself something to keep him inspired.

Baruch Hashem, we have choshuve, serious, talented rabbanim in most communities, people who can keep your vision intact, your hopes intact, and who can keep imbuing you with shei’fos. You can be the one to start the chaburah or shiur; you can incorporate the time into your weekly schedule. Asei lecha rav, v’histalek min hasafek. Make yourself a rav, and remove yourself from doubt. (Avos 1:16). Letting a rav into your life makes everything clearer.

Go over on a Motzaei Shabbos to talk with him, drive him places, go walking with him. Make it a priority. Go with your wife. Include her in the process. Learn a sefer with her as well.
Becoming a Zevulun is an avodah, not a vacation from avodah, and it takes work just like everything else in life.

And always, always keep the balance. Don’t go to sudden extremes. Be a wholesome person, a good husband, and a good father. Invest time and real attention to creating satisfying relationships with every member of your family, which will be a starting point for whatever goals you have in life.

Then, if you have true ahavas Torah, if your wife and children see how much it means to you, they will want to make it possible for you to learn. No one can leave kollel and evolve into a true Torahdig balabos if he’s not in partnership with his family.
Finally, let the Torah shine its light into every area of your life. There is no decision in life, no area, which isn’t rich in Torah; whatever questions you’re facing, expose your family, and yourself, to the depth of chochmas haTorah on that topic. If you want to institute a minhag or practice, learn through it with them, let them feel it the way you do. Show them that Torah isn’t just something we learn, but the way we live. Don’t live superficial lives, but lives in which Torah shows color and meaning to every detail.

If you’re committed to living within the parameters of His Will, you will find out how vast the Torah is, and how great you can become, whatever you are doing from nine to five.

Rav Elya Brudny is a rosh yeshivah in Mir-Brooklyn and a member of the Moetzes Gedolei Torah of Agudath Israel of America. The above is based on the Rosh Yeshivah’s words at the most recent Agudah Convention.

Rav Yisroel Reisman: Battle That Entropy

Often, when people ask for shidduch information about a yeshivah bochur, they ask whether he will be kovei’a itim, set aside time for learning, once he leaves yeshivah.

At that point, the answer is certainly that he will. After all, a person who is currently learning full-time undoubtedly appreciates the value of Torah study.

What happens later? What causes some young men to fall in this area?

Entropy is the natural tendency of things to slide into increased levels of disorder and chaos, unless great effort is expended to avoid this. Couple that with our tendency to focus on the new and most immediate challenges in life, and it grows clear why a young man who leaves yeshivah to enter the workforce focuses primarily on succeeding at his new occupation and doesn’t manage to set aside adequate time for learning.

In the yeshivah world, a “chassan shmuess” is considered an integral part of preparation for marriage. A similar shmuess is needed to prepare young men for their adjustment to the workforce. Will one shmuess, or even a series of shmuessen, really reverse a trend? Not on its own — but it will serve to redirect the person’s focus, creating awareness of a need for a spiritual focus during this transition.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky ztz”l would offer the following insight to his talmidim. When Yaakov Avinu set out to Lavan’s home, he detoured for a 14-year stint at Yeshivas Sheim v’Eiver. But he was 63 years old and had learned all his life in his father’s yeshivah. Why make the switch now?