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Gedalia Guttentag, Yaacov Lipsyzc, Michal Frischman, Chanie Nayman, Shmuel  Botnick, Ricky Boles, Menachem Weinreb, and Daniel Weiss 

are slightly ashamed to have contributed to the inanity of this report.

World Rabbit Population Triples as Lakewool Hat Brims Shrink

By Our Special Reporter

(Lakewool, NJ) An ecological riddle wrapped in a zoological mystery inside an economic enigma has finally been deciphered after a months-long undercover investigation by an animal rights team on the ground in New Jersey.

It concerns the sudden explosion of the global rabbit population, whose numbers began to climb in 2017 after a century of hare-raising decline. Now an investigation by the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) has traced the unexpected bounce back of the furry hoppers to a surprising source: the dramatic shrinkage of hats worn by Orthodox Jews.

“Fedoras, which are the main driver of global rabbit fur sales, went out of fashion when Al Capone was locked up in 1931,” the WWF said in a statement. “Forensic analysts puzzled for decades about the decline in rabbit numbers. It’s now proven that the tripling of the global rabbit population closely tracks the average width of a Borsalino hat worn by Orthodox Jewish men in Lakewool, a heavily Jewish enclave in New Jersey, which has fallen by two-thirds since 2017.”

The breakthrough in the investigation came about through Rabbi Harley Davidson, of PETA Hamor — the Jewish Center for Animal Rights. “It was always clear to me that the hats were the problem and as an advocate for Tikkun Olam, it was clear that I needed to find a link,” said Davidson.

Ironically, given the nature of the investigation — which involved hidden infra-spectral cameras to measure hat width across the rapidly expanding town — the process proceeded slowly, more tortoise than hare.

Initially, conservative-leaning locals had expressed a surprising interest in the WWF’s investigation. But that, it now seems, was a product of a misunderstanding. “They thought that WWF was an acronym for the World Wrestling Federation,” says a WWF source. “Which makes sense because our logo is a panda bear, and we all know that pandas wrestle.”

Subsequently, the investigation was hampered by the uncooperative attitude of Lakewool’s Orthodox residents, who suspected a woke agenda at work. Challenged about those claims, the well-regarded NGO responded with an official denial. “We’re apolitical and strictly agenda-free — as well as being a nut-free, allergy-free, and lactose-free facility,” said WWF spokesman Kale Chips. “We’re not anti-human — we just think that animals come first.

“And so what if we think that local residents are all a basket of deplorables because they vote for Donald Trump?” Chips concluded. “We can still objectively pursue the truth about the climate emergency.”

But a Lakewool insider close to the office of Assemblyman Ari Schmahl hit back at the implications of Orthodox culpability in historic rabbitcide, which come as the growing New Jersey community struggles with local anti-Semitism.

“It’s a woke joke — if that’s not a stirah minei u’bei” said the insider, who moonlights as a political consultant, employing a Talmudic term. “Personally, I think there’s a very clear reason that hat brims came back from the brink and started to shrink in 2017 — when pant legs started to get skinnier the hat-pant ratio got out of shape.”

“It’s the type of thing you’d expect from a George Soros-funded hatchet job,” agreed Len Shapiro, the smooth-talking wunderkind conservative pundit who has a large following in Lakewool. “That’s the MSM for you.”

But as the Bavli Onion can exclusively reveal, Lakewool community leaders worried about the fallout from the report have commissioned a rival study about the global rabbit population’s alleged link to hat brims. Ironically, the reported candidates for the pro-hat research project are academics who don’t actually wear hats themselves.

“For years, the Torah Im Derech Eretz intellectuals used to make fun of us and say that we’d get nowhere without an education,” the insider says. “Now we make all the money and can employ them and their Ivy League degrees to write these reports.”

While the WWF and PETA Hamor want to persuade the Orthodox community to transition to more ecologically friendly synthetic hats, community representatives dismiss the idea as wishful thinking.

“They’re deluded if they think we’re just going to give up our headgear at the drop of a hat,” says one customer at Kneitsch, a popular local headwear store. “Do they think it’s like a conjuring show — that you can just take the rabbit out of the hat?”