Break up the bickering, and take your home from battlefield to haven

Goals: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Tools used: to reduce the sibling rivalry in HIndy's home

When Hindy called me one frosty January evening, I heard desperation in her voice. It sounded loud and frenetic in the background. She said she was calling in regards to her children, but couldn’t elaborate on the phone. I put her on my cancellation list for the earliest possible session as she said it was urgent.

The following week, Hindy arrived at my office five minutes late. She seemed harried and distracted as she took a seat.

I explained the intake process to Hindy and waited as she filled out the forms. When she finished signing the necessary documents, she looked at me and burst into tears. Horrified, she quickly grabbed a tissue and tried to gather herself together.

My heart constricted as I watched Hindy remove her glasses, swipe her eyes, and finally meet my gaze.

“I feel terrible,” she whispered.

I spoke softly. “It looks like you’re holding a lot of pain, Hindy.”

“I feel that I’m failing my kids. I can’t do it anymore,” she said.

“Do what?” I gently asked.

“The day-to-day is very hard with them. My husband helps, but he works a lot and learns at night. It’s mostly just me at home, and I’m failing my kids.”

“In what way?”

“The kids fight nonstop with each other. Like brutal fighting, all the time. If it’s not this one, it’s that one. I must be doing things wrong if my home is such a battlefield.”

“That sounds exhausting. Can we back up a bit? Can you tell me who’s in your family?”

“My husband, Shaya, is a contractor and runs his own business. We have seven kids ranging in age from two to seventeen.”

“Can I have their names and ages? You can also tell me anything you initially want me to know about each one.”

“Sure. Shmuel is 17. He’s away in yeshivah now. Rivky just turned 15 . She’s very helpful, a little bossy, and fights all the time with the one directly under her, Shayna. Shayna is thirteen and a creative type. She can be spacey, leibedig. She creates a lot of fun at home. Esti’s eleven. She’s sweet and quiet. I don’t like the dynamic between her and Rivky. They gang up on Shayna, which is weird because Esti is so much younger.

“Then there’s Yossi. He’s nine and officially has ADHD, just got diagnosed last year. He can be very difficult. Shimon is under him. He’s five. He’s a sensitive child, and also very active. The baby, Levi, is two. He’s adorable and a rascal. Shimon torments him.”

“Sounds like a beautiful, busy family, Hindy.”

“Baruch Hashem, but the fighting…”