How to break free when your teen is holding the family hostage

The Problem: Challenging adolescent behavior

Tools used: Psycho-education on the teen brain, learning boundary setting, and empowering resilience

When Devorah called me, she sounded like she was at the end of her rope. She felt that the behavior of her third child, Miri, was out of control, and she couldn’t handle the family dynamic any longer. We scheduled an appointment with her and her husband, Yitzchak, for the following week.

Devorah and Yitzchak arrived with tentative smiles. After filling out the intake documents, they settled comfortably onto the couch.

“It’s so nice to meet you both,” I said. “I spoke with Devorah briefly on the phone, but can you tell me more about why you’re seeking support?”

Devorah looked imploringly at her husband. He gave the universal gesture of parental exhaustion: the temple rub. “I actually don’t know how we got here, because Miri is a good kid. It’s like it went from fine to completely unmanageable, but it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why. That’s why we pushed off getting help for so long.”

“We should’ve come two years ago,” Devorah said with a sigh.

“You’re here now and that’s a brave step. Do you mind sharing what’s making it feel so unmanageable?”

“Don’t misunderstand me. Devorah is an amazing mother. She’s dedicated and organized and everything generally runs well. Life’s busy, and the house is running okay, so I guess unmanageable isn’t the right word…” said Yitzchak.

“It is, Yitzchak. It’s so unpleasant at home, I don’t think I can manage it one more day. She’s generally at least somewhat respectful to you, but she has no filter with me anymore.”

“Let’s back up a bit. Can you tell me who’s in your family? As you talk, I’m going draw a genogram — that’s a simple pictorial diagram that will include your kids’ names and ages and anything you want to tell me about them.”

“Sure. So Gavriel’s our oldest. He’s 17. He’s a sweet boy, helpful when he’s around, loves to learn, and is in yeshivah most of the time,” said Devorah. “Shevy’s 16. She’s quiet and responsible. As a child she had some learning difficulties, but we got her extra help, and she’s doing fine. I mean, I hope she is. She’s never been the expressive type, but she toes the line, so I guess that’s a good thing.”

I nodded as I wrote, allowing the parents to choose their words and reflect on their children with thoughtfulness.

“Miri’s next, and she’s the impetus for our call. She’s 14.” Devorah looked weary just thinking about her. “I don’t even know how to describe it.”

“She’s rude,” Yitzchak offered. “Obnoxious. Entitled. But not always. She’s a firecracker. Funny and inventive. She can be very helpful and sweet one day and a tyrant another. That’s why we’re so confused.”

“Yeah, she doesn’t fit the typical rebellious teen profile at all. She does pretty well in school. Sometimes I get calls that she skipped class or she talks too much and is disruptive, but nothing crazy. But her attitude, especially at home, can be so unpleasant, and it affects us all.