School psychologist Zipora Schuck offers advice and insight on what parents can do to get through — and gain from — this unique time

Before figuring out what you can give to your children, says Zipora, make sure you have the resources you need to parent effectively. “You need to be assured that you can be calm despite all the difficult stresses — and there are many right now. Almost every school has people who are well-connected so it might just be a matter of reaching out. Schools know which organizations can help financially and which agencies are providing virtual therapy.”

Help is almost easier to access now, considering the plethora of now-virtual resources. “You may not even need to reach out to the school,” Zipora continues. “Sometimes it’s just about taking a deep breath, admitting that you’re struggling and need help, and then thinking about where you can access the support.”

Maximize the Modeling

Once parents feel like they have the tools they need, they can start thinking: How do we want our children to come through this time?

The trick to nurturing the growth you hope to see? Model it yourself. “Most of your children’s memories will be of their interactions with you. We can maximize those by making sure they’re of things we want them to absorb,” says Zipora. The more parents model these five basic behaviors, the stronger they’ll be mirrored in their children:

1. Remember that it’s temporary.

This lockdown feels like it’s going on forever, but it will eventually come to an end. We’re not stuck here for the rest of time.

2. Have faith.

There are so many ways for parents to strengthen their emunah, whether by talking to a friend, watching a short clip like Meaningful Minute, or listening to a shiur as they fold laundry. It’s important for parents to take in as much as they can because no one can pour from an empty pitcher.

3. Keep calm and carry on.

Everyone loses it from time to time, so it’s okay to say that this is uncomfortable, unexpected, hard — or all three — but when a parent says that, it needs to come along with “but I’m trying.”

4. Show resilience.

Parents have already proved their resilience by raising their kids up until now. Capitalize on those skills. Everyone has specific strengths as a parent — whether being affectionate, flexible, organized, etc. — and for the most part, those strengths have been enabling them to raise good kids. Parents need to trust those strengths now. Some systems may need tweaking, but parents shouldn’t pressure themselves to reinvent the wheel.

In cases where parents feel like something really isn’t working, look at what is. Then utilize those methods more.

5. Be flexible.

It’s almost impossible to hold onto rigidity now. Things are changing day-to-day, and the most feasible option is to embrace the adjustments. If parents approach this time with flexibility, it will be easier for both them and their kids to handle the rigors.

Run the Marathon

Most people never wanted to parent, work, and homeschool all at once. Yet it’s the reality now — and quitting isn’t an option. “All that parents can expect from themselves is to do their best,” Zipora stresses. She likes to think of it in terms of the New York City marathon.

Each year in November, close to 55,000 runners tie their laces and run 26.2 miles through the five boroughs of New York. “The grand prize is $100,000, but how many of the runners are there because they have a shot at it?” Zipora asks. The answer: not many. Most participants are there because they want to beat their PB, their personal best. Their goal is not to win or outrun someone else; it’s to improve.

PB is something for parents to keep in mind for themselves — and they should turn it back to their children too. “We all know our kids,” Zipora said. “We know their personalities and temperaments. We know their strengths and challenges. We know what would be considered beating their personal best, and that’s all we should expect of them.”

For some children, improving may mean joining their schools sessions and participating in the work. For others, improving may mean picking fewer fights with their siblings, taking on more responsibility around the house, or keeping their bad moods in check.

“When you recognize what a child struggles with, you can avoid falling into a trap where things spiral.” If one dislikes his school sessions, parents will know that it’s an accomplishment when he joins. On the other end, if he refuses to log on one morning, parents will know to isolate the incident and not blow it up.

“If a parent starts arguing with the child,” Zipora explains, “it becomes a much bigger deal. It will carry into lunch, then they’ll act out in the afternoon, so you’ll need to discipline them by dinner, and you’ll end the day wondering why this particular kid always argues with you.” Instead, Zipora suggests recognizing that they just wanted to skip a session and calmly working on solutions before it gets heated.

The good thing with running marathons is that there are always more races to sign up for. Even if one day doesn’t go well, the next is a new opportunity for the family to beat their PB.