But then he went to America, and I could forget I had a brother. Which was fine with me! Why did he have to come home now?

“AJ, so nice to have you home,” I hear my mother gush from the kitchen.

That’s weird. She’s obviously speaking to a stranger, both because of the slightly too high-pitched tone of her voice and also because there’s no AJ in my house. How can she welcome someone home who isn’t?

If I walk into the kitchen, I run the risk of Mommy giving me another Pesach job, but curiosity gets the better of me, and I wander in to find out which mystery guest is moving into my house.

I would’ve been less shocked to see a green alien with purple horns leaning on the counter.

AJ, he’s my older brother, who I told all my friends went to learn in America. He went to America alright, but not to learn.

“Baruch — AJ’s home for Pesach. Isn’t that amaaaazzing?” my mother says in that same talking-to-strangers voice. Like, she’s not speaking to her own kids in her own kitchen.

AJ? What is wrong with my mother? She’s always into calling everyone by their full names — even when the rest of us call him Rum, cuz we can’t be bothered with so many syllables, my mother has always, always called him Avraham Yeshaya.

I’m about to mimic my mother’s “amaaaazzing,” not caring how chutzpahdig it would sound, when I stop. As angry as I am at my brother, I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Just as I’m wondering whether Mommy thinks it is so amaaazzing to have “AJ” here that I can get away with going to ride my bike, Rum pops up from the counter, reminding me of one of those marionettes on strings when the play begins. He fishes in his knapsack for a minute and hands me a bag of Herr’s hot sauce chips.

“Brought you a present from America. You’re gonna love them.”

I take the chips and go to my room.

Why is Mommy acting all excited that Rum is here for Pesach? Did she, like, totally forget that I have to get into Yeshivah now? Beis Ephraim was a long shot, but I thought I really had a chance. There’s no way they’re taking a kid with an off the derech sibling. Ohr Torah was my safe fallback, but maybe they won’t take me either if they hear about my brother?