The Product Aficionado has returned, ready to throw down some skincare knowledge!

Ever stood in the drugstore, squinting at the fine print on a promising bottle of face cream, wondering what all the jargon means?

When it comes to beauty labels, here’s the secret: They often mean nothing. Just a bunch of carefully curated words, attempting to lure you to the register while delivering very little. So, how does one teich skincare claims?

Here is a list of phony-baloney blurbs (unless the ingredients can back it up):

“Clinically tested,” “dermatologist tested,” or “dermatologist tested and approved”

There’s taking a test, and there’s doing well on that test. Yes, the product was tested, but did it get a high score? Who knows? They aren’t telling you! It means that at most, you shouldn’t break out in hives from it, but as for actually helping your skin concern . . .

“DNA repair”

Repairing your DNA is not exactly something your OTC bottle of cream can do — it’s not CRISPR. Antioxidants and SPF can help prevent and slow down DNA damage, but it can’t repair it.

“Hypoallergenic”

There’s something soothing about the word, isn’t it? Sounds warm and fuzzy, like your favorite blankie. But according to the FDA, it simply means that the product produces fewer allergic reactions than other products. There’s no product out there that no one on earth will ever have a reaction to. If your skin tends to be sensitive, a patch test is necessary, no matter what the label says.

“Patented technology”

Ooooh, now that sounds cutting edge. Like all the serious scientists in the world teamed up in a top-secret location protected by security to produce… an eye serum. But all it actually means is that the company took out a patent on it. Doesn’t mean the patent is better at treating acne or wrinkles than anything else.

“Natural”

Probably the most meaningless term to hit the market in recent years.

1. In the US, only five percent of ingredients have to be “natural” in order for the product to achieve that status, and
2. Just because something is “natural” doesn’t mean it’s good for you. The natural world is full of plants that will happily give you a rash, never mind kill you.