But all I could think was: Why did my flame have to die?

Today we lit Light #1, but a light inside me has died.

Four hours before Chanukah began, during a routine ultrasound, I discovered that my baby’s heart was no longer beating. As my husband lit the first flame and I watched it dance against the black sky, I wanted to think of miracles and joy. I wanted to think of triumph over evil, of courageous men and glory restored. But all I could think was: Why did my flame have to die? Hashem, I thought, You made a tiny flask of oil last eight entire days. Surely — after two difficult miscarriages — You could make this baby last?