his fight followed the same pattern as the others. Chavi and Meir had another blowup about money: Shua’s upcoming bar mitzvah, Aliza’s orthodontia, and whether Esti can go to sleepaway camp this year. It’s over now, though — or is it? Meir has retreated to his study, and he’s staring at the ceiling in front of an open Gemara. Chavi is banging pots and clattering plates in the kitchen, griping to her sister about her husband’s tightfistedness.

She knows she needs to make peace, though, so with a martyred sigh, she marches into Meir’s study. “Look, I’m sorry if you were hurt,” she begins. “I just had a really hard day at work today. And then you started being bossy like you always do. Can we figure this out now?”

How many tactical errors has Chavi committed? Full marks if you caught all four.

Today’s frum women are emotionally aware and well educated in communication skills. We all know the respectful ways to disagree — use “I” messages and not “you” statements, no name-calling, stay on topic.

But somehow, in the heat of the moment, all the relationship columns we’ve ever read fly right out the window, and we end up saying things we’ll later regret.

If arguments in marriage are inevitable, what can a couple do to ensure that they rebound from a fight and strengthen their relationship, instead of letting the fight damage it?

The Art of the Apology

While we’re simmering with anger, many women like to vent to sympathetic listeners, such as mothers or friends. Resist the temptation, caution the experts. Regaling relatives with tales of a spouse’s foibles is a betrayal of the marriage, not to mention a recipe for awkwardness. If Chavi really needed some perspective or tools, the correct address would be a mentor, such as a teacher, rav, or therapist.

Chavi gets partial score for her next move — the immediate apology.

Mrs. Leah Richeimer, marriage educator and author of Marriage Secrets, says self-justification is extremely common. “Often, the more time that elapses between the mistake and when you repair it, the more you convince yourself that you were justified for behaving badly. ‘Well, of course I said that, it’s the tenth time he did xyz.’

“Cut that time in half. If you’re used to letting tensions mount and waiting a day before apologizing, make it half a day,” recommends Mrs. Richeimer. “If it’s too hard, the apology doesn’t have to be verbal. It can be a note or an email, if that makes it easier for someone to express themselves without revisiting the conflagration. Apologizing fast will let out 99 percent of the steam. If you said something hurtful, the issue is secondary to the hurt.”

One reason people often don’t apologize when they should is the concern that an apology can be interpreted as a concession about the issue that sparked the argument. Instead of letting that concern hold you back, says Mrs. Richeimer, be clear that you’re apologizing for the unkind way you communicated; don’t say vague things like “I’m sorry we fought.” Once you’ve cleared the air by expressing remorse for your inappropriate behavior, you and your spouse can focus on dealing with the issue without the static caused by pent-up anger.

While Chavi, in our example above, gets brownie points for apologizing fairly quickly, she managed to bungle her apology in four separate ways.

Chavi’s first blunder is her noncommittal apology. Her lukewarm “I’m sorry if you were hurt” manages a double insult: First, her “if” implies that she isn’t taking the time to understand her husband’s emotions, and second, she’s not taking responsibility for her role in his hurt feelings. Rebbetzin Michal Cohen, LCSW, rebbetzin of Chicago’s Adas Yeshurun, says that while you should never apologize for something you didn’t do, you can apologize for causing pain: “I’m sorry we had this painful disagreement. I don’t want us to have to go through this.”

Chavi’s second mistake, excusing bad behavior, is also a big no-no. Her mention of her bad day would be helpful only if she recognizes that it gives her no excuse to behave hurtfully. For example, she might say, “I had a hard day but I know that’s no reason to have snapped at you. I should have been more careful.”

Additionally, by accusing Meir of being bossy, Chavi is using her apology as a way of dredging up old hurts and using them as weapons against him, in essence rekindling the fight under a guise of peace-making.

Possibly most damaging is Chavi’s timing. She barged into Meir’s study to talk before either had collected their thoughts or prepared themselves to continue the conversation. By not carefully selecting ideal conditions for finishing the conversation, Chavi is dooming herself to reigniting the previous fight.

Opening Old Wounds

Rehashing an argument is a delicate business and shouldn’t be done on the spur of the moment. “There’s no one right way,” acknowledges Rebbetzin Cohen. Instead, she says, couples need to have honest conversations about their needs. A wife might say to her husband, “You know, that argument we had really bothers me. I think we can figure this out. When would be a good time? Over dinner? Should we take a ride, or maybe a walk?”

Whatever time the couple agrees on to revisit the issue, make sure to allow yourself enough time for introspection, says Mrs. Richeimer. She encourages women to journal privately to explore their feelings before tackling the issue. Is your stance based on facts or emotions? What premises underlie your conviction, and could they possibly be wrong?

Next, it’s time for the wife to put herself in her husband’s shoes and consider his perspective with an open mind. She should allow herself to let go of the outcome and make peace with the fact that she may not win the argument. This doesn’t mean, Mrs. Richeimer clarifies, that the wife should always defer to her husband’s opinion. Rather, she should make an effort to be less invested in the result. Paradoxically, that will give her husband more space to be able to consider her arguments. “When there’s a battle of wills, everyone loses,” says Mrs. Richeimer. “He can’t even entertain her point of view, since he feels the need to maintain control at all costs. When she’s less invested in being right, he’ll be more likely to ask, ‘Why do you think that way? What’s your rationale?’ ”

Once Chavi has carefully picked her time and reviewed the matter privately, it’s time to talk. What should the conversation be about? Should she ignore the fact that they fought and go back to discussing party planners and orthodontists, or should she address their argument? In After the Fight, psychologist Daniel B. Wile extols the value of a recovery conversation.

Discussing what happened during a fight might seem counterintuitive, says Dr. Wile (we all feel calmer — why rock the boat?), but it yields several important benefits.

By discussing the argument, the couple can come to a sense of closure, knowing that the fight is behind them. Also, properly practiced, recovery conversations draw the partners together in a bond of enhanced emotional awareness and intimacy. And finally, conducting a postmortem on their fight may yield valuable information that will be helpful in avoiding, or at least ameliorating, future fights.

“You need a bullet-proof plan for how to have conversations without getting into arguments,” agrees Mrs. Richeimer. “There’s discussing issues, and there’s discussing discussions. This takes trial and error, but do try this at home.”

The wife might suggest that next time they postpone conversations that are starting to get heated, while the husband may disagree, and so that makes him feel brushed aside. In response, the wife can suggest an alternative plan — perhaps a five-minute coffee break would help them recharge without the husband feeling slighted? Together, they can work out a plan to avoid the negative patterns their fights follow.

“Establish ground rules,” advises Mrs. Richeimer. “Maybe as soon as one spouse raises his voice, the other gets to say, ‘Let’s discuss this another time.’ Number two might be an agreement not to walk out in middle, and number three could be a decision not to bring up the past.”

Naomi, married 30 years, is a wife who used a recovery conversation as a springboard for growth. “I had a rough shanah rishonah,” she remembers. At first, she didn’t realize she had a tendency to nurse resentments about things her good-natured but sometimes oblivious husband had said. “I’d bring up things from early on, from months before, of which he had no memory. He hadn’t meant to hurt me, but I didn’t see that. Just once, my husband got very defensive and put me in my place. He said, ‘This has to stop, you bear grudges and that’s hard to live with.’ He said it once, but it went straight in, and I realized I had a lot of fixing to do.”

Together with her husband, Naomi decided to give herself a statute of limitations: she couldn’t bring up any insult, real or perceived, once a month had passed. The rule worked wonders, and today, Naomi reports proudly, “It’s been so many years since I’ve had to retract after violating the rule, that my husband doesn’t even remember making it.”

In some cases, couples’ fighting styles are so irreconcilably different that outside help is warranted. Shira, who grew up in a family that yelled often and easily, is married for a decade to Daniel, a soft-spoken immigrant from a very different background. When she saw that her quick resort to raised voices was causing him to shut down, Shira asked her therapist for tools to help her rein in her shouting. Initially, the techniques she learned were useful only after a fight, helping her analyze it calmly with Daniel and plan what to do differently, but with practice and effort, Shira can now use her skills to head off many fights at the pass.

Problem Solving

Once a couple has addressed the communication problems that caused the fight, they often still need to revisit the issue and come to an agreement without triggering a rerun of the previous attempt.
“It’s okay to have different opinions,” says Rebbetzin Cohen. “There’s too much need to get the other person to be just like you. It’s not necessary to agree on everything. Life is more exciting when you don’t. It’s much more fun when you try to figure each other out. ‘Gee, I really respect this person and he’s on a totally different page — I wonder why?’ ”

Shira finds that trying to understand the underlying values, rather than simply each spouse’s desired outcomes, is key. “Often, the issue is one of different values, but we don’t realize it. Let’s say it’s about the budget — instead of arguing over whose expenses are unjustified, try to ask, ‘Why do you feel we need to cut the budget by $500? Why is that so important to you? What’s really at stake here?’ Instead of focusing on the nitty gritty, we go back to the value system.” Once she understands the backstory underlying her husband’s stance, she finds it easier to reach a compromise that satisfies both.

If an issue repeatedly causes explosions, Ahuva, married 27 years, says she’s learned from experience that it may be time for outside help. An objective third party, whether a rav or therapist, can help couples learn to communicate more calmly without flying off the handle.

Roadblocks to Recovery

Negative self-talk often holds women back from improving their relationships. This is a common problem for Naomi, who often thinks, “I married the wrong person, he’ll never understand me!” or “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I said that.” Thoughts like these, says Naomi, encourage useless ruminating and discourage action. To cut the cycle, she finds that awareness is key. When she pays attention to her brooding thoughts, she can consider them logically and reject the ones that weigh her down.

Women are also susceptible to self-blame, says Rebbetzin Cohen. “People think subconsciously, ‘If I did something wrong I’m terrible,’ so they do everything to ensure they’re not wrong. People get very stuck in needing to blame somebody. It’s easier than looking at yourself, and it’s easier to be angry than to be scared.”

As with any marital communication, waiting for your husband to initiate a truce or to intuit what you need is often a bad idea. While some women resent always being the one to extend the olive branch, reaching out to make peace doesn’t necessarily mean admitting you were in the wrong.

Rebbetzin Cohen advises not focusing on right and wrong, but on the way forward: “I really want us to get past this, and I’m not sure how to do that.” Then, if each spouse offers a clear suggestion for improvement, they can make real progress. “A woman might tell her husband, ‘These are the two thing I’d love for you to do for me to help avoid our common fight triggers,’” says Rebbetzin Cohen. “Sometimes it’s shocking. ‘You want that? I had no idea.’” Assuming that men don’t want to talk about their feelings is a mistake, she cautions. While some men may be naturally less fluent in the language of the heart, their emotional needs are real, and their wives should listen with sensitivity and encouragement.

At other times, it’s not the wife waiting for her husband’s apology — it’s she who’s climbed a tall tree and doesn’t know how to get down. Shira remembers a particularly dramatic incident that ended in an abrupt departure from her house. Closing the door behind her, she thought, “Where am I going now? This is really silly!” Eventually, after a long talk with her rav, she was ready to go back. “I asked, ‘What do I do now?’ and he said, ‘Go home!’ ‘How?’ ‘Don’t you have a key?’ he responded. But what do you say to someone after marching out for four hours? I didn’t know how to reenter my house. It was really hard because I’d made it into something big. I had to slink back into my own house and offer an elaborate apology.”

What if a woman attempts an apology, only to be rebuffed? It’s the 14th time she apologized for the same issue — why should he accept it? Mrs. Richeimer says it’s actually fairly common that when women begin to master apologies, their husbands respond with accusations. “The answer to that is, ‘I’m a work in progress,’” says Mrs. Richeimer. “I know I haven’t always controlled my tongue. This year I lost it 40 times, but I hope by next year it’ll be down to 35.”

Dr. Wile describes a related phenomenon he terms “nice-guy backlash.” If your husband’s overtures are repeatedly rebuffed, he’s likely to respond by feeling spurned, taken advantage of, and just a little foolish, which will spark a new round of hostilities. To avoid prolonging the discord, if you don’t feel ready to accept your husband’s gestures, she should say so respectfully rather than stonewalling him. “I need a little more time to be by myself,” will show him you’re still on the same team, while “Who asked you to come in here anyway?” is a rejection.

What about when your husband is the one who rejects attempts to discuss the issue? Quoting educator Rabbi Manis Friedman, Shira shares an idea she found eye-opening. “We have this cultural notion that you need to know your spouse’s deepest secrets. But we don’t — sometimes we need to accept that there are parts we won’t change, fix, or even get into, and we need to be okay with that.”

Realizing that she can’t force a reconciliation that the other party isn’t ready for takes a degree of surrender, but learning to let things slide will help a wife accept bumps more graciously.

The Long Haul

A strong relationship is the best guarantee that couples will successfully rebound from fights.

Ahuva points to the time and effort she and her husband invest in their relationship as the factor that most contributes to their relatively easy reconciliations. “We spend a lot of time together. We go for walks often, four or five times a week, with no other disturbances. We talk a lot about what worries us. It really nips most problems in the bud.”

Shira says her secret glue is the light-hearted atmosphere in her home. “We make jokes, we’re silly, we laugh together, especially when we’re recovering from a fight. I try to get back to being light-hearted as soon as I can. Emotions can really weigh on the heart. The light-heartedness restores balance, a reminder that we’re all okay here.”

Above all else, experience is the best teacher. Rebbetzin Cohen says age and maturity work wonders on couples’ dynamics. “At a certain point, people become more mature about understanding the fight. It’s no longer about who’s right and wrong, but about understanding each other. It’s a long growth process, and it takes time. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a world that has a lot of time for anything.”

Shira points out that with time couples also learn which fights are simply not worth having, because no one will ever concede the point. Once a person knows the hot-button issues to avoid, discourse becomes more civil.

There may be one thing — money — that triggers all Chava’s fights. But there’s also one thing that can change her argument pattern and overhaul her entire shalom bayis: communication.
Communication, says Mrs. Richeimer, is not about two people talking; it’s about two people listening. By listening carefully and sympathetically, we can find the way forward toward building stronger marriages on the wreckage of earlier fights.

Post-Fight Cheat Sheet

You’ve had a fight, maybe even a huge one. But don’t despair. Here are some of the most important tips to help you rebound, stronger than ever.

Don’t:

• Give the silent treatment. If you need a little time and space, you can request those, but never use silence as a punishment.
• Beat yourself up. Fights happen; be prepared to move on.
• Say “I didn’t mean it.” You did. You made a mistake; you need to own it and clean up the mess.
• Share details with friends or family.

Do:

•  Plan ahead. When and how can you reintroduce the issue without causing an explosion?
• Own up to anything you’ve said or done to make matters worse

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 621)

The post After the Storm first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

To Adam it was perfectly clear that a husband and wife are two parts of one neshamah that Hashem separated into two bodies. Hashem then stood Adam and Chavah under a chuppah in Gan Eden and married them saying ‘Now do it again. Recreate that sense of oneness that you experienced in Gan Eden.’ That’s the goal of married life”

The post Balancing Act first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

"Therapy helped me stabilize myself and eventually I started dating but reasonable suggestions were few and far between."

The post The Courage to Start Again first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

“It’s a matter of respect and teamwork. You’ll hit life challenges and if you don’t have respect for your partner the marriage can fall apart. A marriage is a contract. Someone has to give in sometimes or else you’re always at odds and disagreeing with each other. And of course it’s a mazal and brachah to have a healthy spouse and children”

The post Secrets of Half-Century Marriages first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

“It’s hard work” admits Epstein “But once you have that connection all the rest — money issues family issues housework issues — become details that can be worked out between you” (Photos: Amir Levy)

The post Make Marriage Great Again first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

S hortly after my parents’ divorce I happened to meet the woman who had made their shidduch.

The post The Opposite of the Wrong Thing first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

“Here’s the bottom line — and it’s nothing new: We can only change ourselves. If you want your marriage to change you have to find ways to endear yourself to your wife. Instead of finding a topic of conversation that interests you and then being disappointed that she can’t follow or appreciate the thread find a topic that interests her. Become a listener. Explore her world even if it’s a very concrete non-intellectual world ” explains Dr. Shula Wittenstein

The post I Can’t Respect My Wife first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

R

abbi Ben Tzion Shafier was a “mild-mannered, innocent high school rebbi” when his rosh yeshivah, Rav Henoch Leibowitz ztz”l, tapped him to start an outreach program for working guys. Almost overnight, “The Shmuz” was born — a series of lectures on a wide variety of topics in Yiddishkeit, presented with trademark humor, wit, and Torah wisdom, and it quickly took off, reaching a depth and scope that left its creator stunned.

But as his base of listeners grew, the questions they asked started getting thornier and more complex, revolving around shidduchim, marriage, and shalom bayis, and it didn’t take very long for Rabbi Shafier to realize that the nice and easy newlywed challenges were a thing of the past. Now things were more complicated than ever, and the picture was looking precarious.

“I realized that had there been some groundwork set at the beginning, in the early stages of marriage and dating, then a lot of pitfalls would have been avoided later on,” says Rabbi Shafier. He reveals that the burgeoning divorce rate among frum couples was the impetus for his newest free lecture series, “The Marriage Seminar,” which includes 12 hour-long sessions on such germane topics as gender differences, the Torah view of love, changing habits, and why couples fight.

From his vast experience counseling couples during both engagement and marriage, Rabbi Shafier has a unique vantage point on relationships today and the forces that dissolve them. “We’re seeing significantly more divorces today than in previous years, and I attribute it to three reasons. Firstly, people are more fragile today; they lack a certain ‘wholesomeness,’ a sense of being comfortable with who they are and where they fit in the world. There are also many psychological issues that people struggle with today. Generally speaking, when these factors are brought into a marriage, they get magnified. A healthy relationship requires a solid, healthy human being because it requires a lot of give-and-take, flexibility, and reasonable expectations. If you yourself are fighting demons — emotionally, psychologically, or socially — then there’s very little bandwidth left over to let another person in and to give to that person.”

He cites the “age of consumerism” as the second biggest factor in many divorces today, the premise of which is that there’s always a better, newer model out there. “Marriage is a disposable commodity in today’s culture, where we’re all about chewing things up and spitting them out. Twenty years ago, the question was, ‘Can this marriage be saved?’ Today, the question is, ‘Should the marriage be saved?’ I spent two and a half hours with a woman trying to convince her that her marriage could not only be saved, but she could be happily married. And she got back to me and said, ‘Nope. I want out! It’s not worth it.’ That was the first time in recent history that I actually broke down crying. What a tragedy.”

The third and perhaps the most familiar issue Rabbi Shafier identifies is one that may make us squirm a bit uncomfortably — if we can stop texting long enough to pay attention. “Ten years ago, I called us the ‘busy generation.’ Now that label is so outdated that at best I could call us the ‘indescribably distracted generation.’ What happens in a marriage is that by the time the kids are school age, the couple spends no time together at all. Take this challenge: Log how much time you spend as a couple, enjoying each other’s company — without your BlackBerry.

“A marriage, by definition, is a relationship that’s built on love and affection and a common identity. If you don’t work on the marriage, the bond starts to weaken and the couple drifts apart.”

He says the couples who begin bickering as their connections wane are actually in a better position than the couples who simply become married strangers, because at least the former have a wake-up call that may spur them to action. “I just had a couple here, married 30-something years, and they want a divorce because they have no emotional connection. They literally share a house, bills, and kids, and nothing else. That’s what happens when you spend zero special time together.”

His straight-shooter style and practical advice have been instrumental in helping save countless marriages, but Rabbi Shafier cites two particular examples of recent success stories that are just the tip of the iceberg in the amount of work that begs to be done.

“I have a close talmid who I can call on, day or night, and he’ll be available for me at the drop of a hat. Except for Tuesday nights. Because Tuesday nights, he’s on a date with his wife and there’s nothing in the world that comes before that commitment,” Rabbi Shafier notes, with a proud smile. “Another time, a newly married guy called up and he was very distraught. What should he do? His wife wears skirts that barely cover her knees. What should he tell her? I said, ‘She went to 12 years of Bais Yaakov where all they did was talk about skirt length. You think she doesn’t know what’s tzniyus and what’s not? If you say something, she’ll feel awful and you’ll damage your relationship with her. Instead, say not a word and just work on your marriage. As a result, she’ll become secure and confident, she’ll feel strong enough to resist societal pressure, and the skirts will get longer.’

“This is a real success story because undoubtedly, this couple’s marriage will be dramatically different, just from having the right perspective from the beginning.”

 CASE 1 >> Combat Zone?

Dovid and Batya are hitting it off and the shidduch is serious, but Dovid senses something subtly wrong. During their fourth date, he gives over a vort with passion and pride. When he glances up at Batya for approval, she smugly replies, “Really? My rav in seminary said exactly the opposite.” Finally, Dovid pinpoints what’s bothering him as he wonders: Is she overly combative? Will I be able to set the tone for halachah in the home or will everything I say be challenged?

Before I answer, let’s put this into perspective. If this is the first time Dovid has seen this type of response, it should be clear that he can’t draw any conclusions yet. To take one incident and create an entire “personality portrait” from it wouldn’t be wise. But let’s assume that this wasn’t the first time Dovid feels that Batya was combative. Let’s say he’s seen this type of reaction quite a number of times and he feels that it actually represents who she really is. In that case the real question Dovid has to ask himself is this: What criteria will I use to determine who I’m marrying?

Unfortunately, most people use the “shopping list” approach. They think through various attributes and traits and come up with a list of what they “need” to be happily married: “This is what I would like, this I can take or leave. But this, under no circumstances, am I willing to accept.” I call this the “Mr. Potato Head Method,” where a person isn’t looking for what Hashem has designated, but rather has a clearly defined list of what he thinks he needs, and he looks for the person who comes closest.

If Dovid is using the Mr. Potato Head Method, he might well decide Batya isn’t what he’s looking for. After all, who wants a woman who is domineering?

If, however, Dovid is dating from a Torah and bitachon perspective, then his only criterion will be to find the girl Hashem has designated as his bashert. In this approach the person is looking to find his bashert, not make his bashert.

There are two components to this Torah-true method: the Paper Test and the Bashert Test. The Paper Test involves looking at the proposed match on paper to see if it looks like a potential marriage partner — that there is enough similarity between the boy and the girl to give it a reasonable try. If a shidduch passes the Paper Test, then the boy and girl go out.

Next comes the Bashert Test. Both parties need to ask themselves a very essential question: Do I instinctively feel that this is the right person for me?

Many times, I heard my rebbi, Rav Alter Henoch Leibowitz ztz”l, say that Hashem has given each person a “supercomputer” — your seichel, your intuitive wisdom that can be trusted to judge if this is the right one for you. You tap into that by asking yourself, Do I feel comfortable with her? Do I enjoy the dates? Do I look forward to seeing her again? If this is not the right shidduch, you’re not going to enjoy this particular person’s company. If, however, you went out a number of times and you are enjoying the dates, and you feel warmer feelings each time you go out, that’s the sign that this is the one Hashem has chosen for you. Even so, it might well be that the girl or boy has qualities that you wouldn’t have chosen, had you been given the task of making your bashert. But you aren’t — that’s Hashem’s job. And part of bitachon is trusting that Hashem knows better than you what is for your best.

In Dovid and Batya’s case, the Paper Test has presumably checked out, which is why they agreed to date in the first place. Now they are at the Bashert Test. When he hits this snag involving Batya’s outspokenness, Dovid can ask himself the essential questions: Do I enjoy Batya’s company? Do I like her? If the answer is, No, I’m not comfortable with her, then it’s clear that she is not the right one for him.

If, however, Dovid’s answer is, Yes, I’m comfortable with Batya. I enjoy her company, it just feels right, then essentially he has his answer — she is the right one for him, even though there is an aspect of her personality that he doesn’t appreciate. The basic premise is that Hashem knows what he needs to be happy in life and both Dovid and Batya, like every other couple, will need to work on certain things in their marriage until 120.

If this perspective is important in dating, it is absolutely vital in marriage. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a husband or wife say anxiously, “How do I know? Maybe I married the wrong one!” And there is only one answer: If you did a normal hishtadlus, including the Paper and the Bashert tests, then you have every right to assume that the person you married is the one Hashem intended for you. Hashem directed you to this person and He designated specific challenges for the two of you. The “right one” may not look like your perfect vision, and there will be adjustments that both of you will have to make. Every marriage has challenges. There is no such thing as a “perfect couple.” And if you a find a couple who say, “We never had any issues” — you have to question whether they are being honest with you. Part and parcel of a good marriage is growth and change. Recognizing that Hashem knows what’s best for you, and has brought you to the right person, is essential to then go through the difficult growth process that a successful marriage requires.

 CASE 2 >> Picture Perfect

Shimon likes Chaya and after three dates, he would consider marrying her, but there is something about her appearance that isn’t that perfect look, and this is holding him back. Should Shimon continue with the shidduch?

Being physically attracted to one’s spouse is important, so if Shimon likes Chaya but isn’t attracted to her, it might well be a sign she isn’t the right one for him. But here is where things get complicated. Many times, what holds a person back isn’t the intuitive sense that “she’s not for me,” but his preconceived notion of what he thinks he needs or wants. The way to tell is to ask himself: What’s holding me back here? If, after honest introspection, Shimon determines that he’s secretly hoping to marry a girl whose looks will earn the admiration of his friends and family, then he has to work through this realization and see where he truly wants to be in his dating hashkafos. Is he going to force his will on the Ribono shel Olam? Or will he take a step back and admit that ultimately it isn’t his decision whom to marry, but rather, Hashem chose a woman for him, and all he needs to do is find her?

Chazal tell us that a bas kol goes out 40 days before a person is conceived, saying, “ploni l’plonis” — this boy is designated for that girl. Many people in shidduchim express their sincere wish to hear what that bas kol said. Rav Wolbe ztz”l writes that today, the bas kol is actually the feeling of comfort and “rightness” that two people get when they date each other.

In a case where Shimon is perfectly comfortable with Chaya but he is worried about what his friends and family will say about her appearance, he has to acknowledge a basic truth: If he does not marry Chaya and instead pursues a girl who fits his “dream wife” profile, then ultimately, he may not end up being happy.

In a situation like Shimon’s, if he discovers that Chaya is the right one for him, he can either accept Hashem’s vision of his future, or he can try to concoct his own. The problem is that it’s highly unlikely that any human being can choose better than his Creator.

 CASE 3 >> What a Surprise

One day a few months after getting married, Gila is blissfully doing a load of laundry when she suddenly discovers … a pack of cigarettes in her new husband’s shirt. Gila has always had strong feelings against smoking, ingrained in her since she was a young girl. Now she is appalled. How can I tolerate — never mind respect — Shloimy now that I know he smokes?!

The first reality that a couple must come to terms with is that in any marriage, issues will arise. The success or failure of their marriage is often based on how they deal with them.

In this situation there are two distinct issues: the smoking, and the lack of respect.

Let’s deal with the smoking itself first. Shloimy is going to have to deal with Gila’s outrage, and Gila will have to deal with Shloimy’s addiction to cigarettes.

Change is very difficult under the best of circumstances, and in the scenario above, the situation becomes more dicey because Gila came into the marriage thinking Shloimy was not a smoker. Shloimy needs to understand where Gila is coming from and do everything in his power to try to quit smoking. Shloimy is not allowed to be dismissive of Gila’s concerns, or turn the problem onto her, as in, “What’s the matter with you? What’s the big deal?”

For her part, Gila has to understand that smoking is a major problem for Shloimy and the fact that he continues to smoke does not mean that he doesn’t love and respect her. Perhaps Gila can picture being asked to stop speaking lashon hara. Can she do it? Maybe for an hour, but for a whole day? And this is a halachic requirement that encompasses approximately 35 aveiros with each forbidden word uttered! Gila can focus on realizing how difficult change is, even when one knows that a behavior is assur, dangerous to oneself, and harmful to others. She would do well to acknowledge that change is slow and difficult and she needs to learn how to live with Shloimy’s smoking habit until he breaks it. If he doesn’t succeed, then it’s something that both he and Gila will have to deal with in a mature, rational manner.

And it is at this point, when one spouse is unable or unwilling to change, that major shalom bayis problems often develop. It’s clear that the behavior isn’t going to stop and the other spouse is forced to make a decision: Do I want to be happy, or do I want to be miserable? If she wants to be happy, she will need to accept him, nicotine and all. Yes, he really should quit, but chances are he won’t, and what does that mean for them as a couple for the next 60, 70 years? To help her make the right decision, Gila can remind herself that Shloimy probably also has issues with some of her behaviors — no one is perfect, and it is still okay to respect and love someone who is flawed. This will enable her to empathize with Shloimy instead of resent him for his fault. She can reframe her thoughts: It’s so hard to change, especially with a substance as addictive as nicotine. Wow! I can only imagine what a challenge this must be for him.

But even after they solve the smoking, there is still the issue of respect. Interestingly, though, this isn’t Shloimy’s problem — this one belongs to Gila alone.

Any time a spouse says, “How can I respect him if he does such-and-such?” it means that she has the problem of distilling the totality of Shloimy’s essence to a tiny flaw. He is probably a ben Torah, a fine husband, a good person — and he has a problem. When we look at a diamond that has a tiny imperfection, we don’t call the diamond “a flaw” — it’s still a diamond. If Gila no longer respects her husband, then she’s reduced him to a cigarette! To break out of this dangerous tunnel vision, Gila can realize that if anyone were to judge her by her weaknesses, it would be unfair and unflattering. Developing a broader, more mature outlook on people is going to be Gila’s avodah if she is to nurture and develop a healthy, happy marriage.

Now, in case Shloimy’s approach is I have every right to smoke and no one can tell me to stop, here too it really depends on their attitude. Studies show that 70 percent of successful marriages have major irreconcilable differences. If he has a thriving business in New York City, and for medical reasons she needs to live in San Diego, there’s no middle-ground. If she wants to send the children to a chassidishe cheder and he only wants his kids in litvishe yeshivos, you can’t send the kids to school with peyos behind one ear. There is no compromise position.

Nevertheless, these differences don’t destroy a marriage, as long as the two partners come to an understanding that by definition, two different people will have differences of opinions and irreconcilable differences are an inescapable part of marriage. The  couple that accepts and understands this from the start won’t find themselves shocked and overwhelmed when these inevitable differences rear their head.

 CASE 4 >> No Comparison

Sarah really admired and liked Chaim, but after two dates, Chaim’s mother nixed the shidduch. A few months later, Sarah met Boruch, but there was one thing standing in the way of the relationship — she found herself constantly comparing Boruch to Chaim. Sarah’s mentor told her that the comparison would naturally fade as she grew to appreciate and focus on Boruch, and the two soon became engaged. But now, a few months into her marriage, Sarah still finds herself comparing Boruch to her perception of Chaim — especially when Boruch’s middos or behavior come up short. How does she fight the feeling that she “could have done better”?

Actually, this theme tends to come up in various ways throughout our lives — most of us constantly compare ourselves to others. “If only I could be like her or have a job like him.” So when Sarah asks herself if she could have done better, what’s the answer? There are really two answers: The first is that everyone is on best behavior during a date, and you hardly get to meet the real person, even after ten or twenty dates. So Sarah is basing her assessment of Chaim on the beautiful image he portrayed on their dates together. She has no way of knowing what it would be like to live with Chaim — she is just conjecturing that he would be the perfect mate, compared to Boruch, with all his faults.

But in reality the question is based on a mistaken premise. Sarah assumes that because (at least in her mind) Chaim has beautiful middos, she would be happier had she married him. And that is a fundamental error. I think it would be easier for me to explain this with a mashal.

Imagine you have a wedding coming up. It’s a big affair, and you want to look your best. You go shopping and find the perfect outfit. It’s affordable, it looks great — it’s even tzniyusdig. You buy it. There’s only one thing missing, the right pair of shoes. You start looking, but you just can’t find the right pair. You start to get desperate. Finally, the day before the wedding you stop into Macy’s, and in the clearance section you see the most gorgeous pair of shoes. “Oh, my goodness, they’re perfect. The leather is exquisite. The workmanship is outstanding. And the best part — it’s on clearance. Fifty percent off. Wow!”

There’s only one problem — the shoes are two sizes too small. “But look, I can’t just leave them — they’re so cute.” So you buy them, take them home, and wear them to the wedding. After the wedding (and two hours of dancing) you come home, take them off, and your feet are killing you! Because the leather can be great, the workmanship fantastic, but if the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s going to hurt.

This is analogous to marriage. Before you were born, Hashem chose the perfect counterpart for you — with his strengths balancing against your weaknesses, and your strengths balancing against his.

A marriage is a complex weave of needs, emotions, and temperaments. Some personalities mesh, some class. To find the right match of two individuals who come from different homes, and have vastly different natures and dispositions, requires the wisdom of — well, the wisdom of our Creator. And that’s the point. Hashem chose the right one for you. You fit together hand-in-glove. And while he may not be the best bochur in Lakewood — he is the best one for you. Could you have done better? Maybe — but better doesn’t mean a better marriage, and better doesn’t mean that you would be happy together.

 CASE 5 >> Getting the Spark Back

Adina holds a part-time job while finishing her degree in the evenings, in addition to caring for one-year-old Chezky. Her husband Shimmy is learning in two kollelim and also tutors in the evenings, often coming home after 10 p.m. One day Adina comments, a bit ruefully, “We’re like passing ships in the night — a far cry from dating and shanah rishonah. And what happens when our family grows?” Shimmy agrees that they’ve lost a certain spark. With their busy lives, is it even practical for them to recover it, or do they wait till middle age to nurture their relationship again?

If I had to pinpoint probably the biggest problem in young marriages, this scenario would be it. As life gets hectic, very often the relationship falls by the wayside. Many people think this is normal and expected, but they’re wrong. If Adina thinks her relationship can be put on hold until middle age, she’s making a fatal mistake — one that might cost her marriage.

The glue of marriage is love. Humans have such varying temperaments that it takes a major force to keep them together; without that superglue, they could never stay together. If there is a climate of love in the marriage, then whatever life throws at them, they can find a way to get through it. If there isn’t that climate, then in the heavy traffic of life, feathers get ruffled, feelings get hurt, and each one feels like the victim of a raw deal, and inevitably the bickering and bitterness takes over.

But even more pointedly, if there is a bond of love between them and he does something wrong — it’s okay. He’s a good guy with a flaw. But if there isn’t a bond of love active and vibrant between them, then he never did anything good in his life. And even the one thing he does half well he can’t get right.

Therefore, it’s paramount for a marriage to have love, and the only way to achieve it is by spending time together as a couple. At the very minimum, there should be special time allocated once a week, no matter what. This has to be a priority. If the couple doesn’t nurture the spark, it will fizzle out.

We don’t say we’re too busy to sit in a succah, or eat matzah. In the same way, we can’t say we’re too busy to spend time with our spouses. If you think this is an exaggeration, just take one small fight between a husband and wife and analyze how many aveiros occur in that short space: ona’as devarim, lashon hara, not to mention throwing the Shechinah out of the home — and that’s just during a small tiff. A couple has a chiyuv to work on their marriage, even if they are excessively busy. There is no substitute.

But I want to make one thing clear: When a couple spends time together it means that the couple preferably goes out, alone, with no agenda. No discussions about the kids, or finances, or in-law problems. They just go out to have a good time and enjoy each other’s company, recapturing that feeling of when they were chassan and kallah.

In shanah rishonah, there’s lot of talking and connection-building, but it shouldn’t stop afterwards. Marriage is about constant work, and a huge part of it is working on the attachment and the bond between the couple. This is, in fact, the easiest fix for so many marriages. I have personally seen marriages turn around completely just from the couple committing to a fixed date night.

 CASE 6 >> Money Counts

If you ask Golda and Shmuel what the worst word in the English language could possibly be, they’ll simultaneously tell you, “Money!” While they see eye-to-eye on most other issues, when it comes to money they are polar opposites. Golda is as thrifty as they come, while Shmuel likes to “live a little.” Living on a tight budget, the tension sometimes stretches so much it threatens to snap altogether. “I never get my needs met,” Shmuel sulks. “Neither do I,” Golda says glaring, pointing to their overdraft.

Most people think that couples fight about issues: money, in-laws, or the setting on the thermostat. But it isn’t true. Couples never fight about issues. All they fight about is one thing only: their feelings behind the issue. The real problem is what Golda feels about Shmuel spending a lot of money — and vice versa. This is a key point, because in truth, reasonable people can find reasonable solutions to any type of problem. So why is it that very often in a marriage, otherwise reasonable people fail to act reasonably? It all goes back to this principle: it is about the feelings, not the issue. And when we’re hurt, we become very unreasonable.

In this case, both Golda and Shmuel are hurting, and not because of the money. Rather, it’s the feelings they harbor: You don’t care about me. You’re not considering my needs.

Of course, the second part of the problem — the actual money — also needs to be dealt with. Any couple that doesn’t budget is making a big mistake, even if they have a million-dollar annual income. A couple that has difficulty in this area should seek guidance from the various organizations available today, or from older, wiser friends or family members who can give them the tools for achieving financial awareness and stability.

But back to the key issue: Once Golda and Shmuel understand that it’s not about the money, but rather about their feelings behind it, each needs to focus on where the other spouse is coming from. Here I introduce the two most important words in a marriage. No, it’s not “Thank you” or “You’re wonderful.” It’s these words: “That’s strange.”

Golda needs to say to herself, “Shmuel spends considerably more than we earn, all the while knowing that we will have an overdraft. That’s strange. He’s a very smart, savvy person in other areas.…” This enables her to open her mind to try to understand Shmuel’s conspicuously erratic behavior. For his part, Shmuel needs to look at his wife and say, “Hmm … she’s usually kind, sweet, and happy, but when it comes to spending she flies off the handle. That’s strange. Why does she react so strongly? I wonder what’s going on with that.…” This will help each of them understand where the other person is coming from. It will also prevent the dismissiveness that causes hurt feelings to fester, prolonging fights and resentment.

When Golda and Shmuel allow each other to speak openly and respectfully about their feelings behind money, they can work toward a mutually beneficial solution. They might not always get their way, but at least they’re working from a place of reasonableness, amicability, and mutual validation, which allows for much more flexibility and compromise.

CHANGING YOUR LIFE

Every wedding begins with the signing of the tena’im, and then the kesubah. There is, however, one more document that has not yet been instituted — a shtar hachlafah, a “document of change.” In Rabbi Shafier’s view, it would go a long way toward helping marriages succeed.

I, the undersigned, do hereby proclaim the following:

1. I recognize that the basis for a successful marriage is my ability to change.
2. I acknowledge that my spouse will be different from me in temperament, inclinations, attitudes, desires, backgrounds, and interests.
3. I accept that for any partnership to exist there must be compromise, and that I must be willing to change in many areas.

By signing, I hereby acknowledge that I am ready, willing, and able to change, grow, and compromise in all areas.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha Issue 484)

The post The Before and After of Great Marriages first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

H

ere’s news that may not surprise you: Children thrive when their parents are in a happy marriage. Among other things, they grow up feeling emotionally secure, and leave home with a positive marriage model.

How much are kids impacted if their parents don’t fall into this happy matrimony category? The equation, say researchers, looks something like this: The greater the conflict between parents (married or divorced), the greater the dysfunction in their kids both during childhood and when they mature. As a result of marital discord, children typically exhibit more emotional and behavioral problems, more learning problems, and more relationship problems (see sidebar, “The Consequences of Conflict.”). The general hierarchy of repercussions can be broken down as follows:

1. The best developmental outcome occurs when children grow up with happily married parents. These kids have the greatest emotional stability and least social, intellectual, emotional, and behavioral problems throughout life.
2. The next-best scenario for children is an intact home that’s stable, functional, and respectful, if not exactly warm and loving.
3. A child’s development is compromised in the presence of regular marital friction.
4. Divorce presents a serious developmental challenge, particularly when it’s antagonistic.
5. A home that’s intact, but violent, poses the greatest threat to a child’s development.

An increasingly popular parenting belief today is that “the kids are happy when their parents are happy.” But, as these findings reveal, the parents’ happiness is not the most important factor for a child’s wellbeing. Fact is, kids are usually less concerned about their parents’ emotional state than they are about figuring out their own lives and facing their day-to-day challenges. Growing up with stability and security, even in a home in which the parents are not particularly thrilled with each other, does more good for a child’s development than swapping homes between two separate, but happier, parents (provided that the marital home was not characterized by physical aggression).

Even in intact frum homes, the unfortunate reality today is that trouble in marriage is becoming increasingly common. And “troubled marriages” — which are defined as ones with high levels of interpersonal stress — are relatively common as well.

It’s not always possible for a person to give his or her children the gift of growing up in the midst of a wonderful marriage because a relationship is not totally within one person’s control. You have a spouse to contend with — and also yourself, with all of the baggage and childhood wounds that often dictate how you instinctively act and react to stressful situations.

Nonetheless, there are certain things that you can do to minimize the damaging effects of a troubled marriage — and maximize the positive potential of your relationship.

Love Is a Verb

Let’s say you’re in a “lukewarm” marriage (the second category). There’s basic respect between you and your husband, but little or no true affection. You each care intensely for the children and shower love and affection upon them, yet you hold back from acting in loving ways toward each other. Whereas you buy lavish presents for your children’s birthdays, you often fail to acknowledge each other’s, except to give token gifts that lack thought.

Your kids can tell; they feel the emptiness. In such a situation, children might fail to learn the mechanics of building and maintaining strong, loving bonds. When they enter into marriages of their own, their partners may complain that they’re cold and distant.

Even in this type of “lukewarm” marriage, your kids can still learn essential interpersonal skills and positive concepts about marriage. How? In order to teach your children how to love, you don’t actually have to feel strong affection for your spouse. Love, after all, is not just a feeling you experience inside your head and heart. It’s also a verb. It means doing actions of love.

It seems counterintuitive, but even if your husband never responds to your loving gestures, your own behavior can still provide an adequate educational model for your children. This holds true even if your spouse is completely dysfunctional or disturbed. If your kids can see at least one good parenting model, they have a very real chance of growing into healthy adults. On the other hand, if your kids see two dysfunctional, disturbed parents, those chances are far more compromised.

To show your children how love is conveyed, focus on verbs. For instance, to show kindness to your spouse, look for small ways to help out. “You look tired; do you want me to finish putting the kids to bed?” Whether you’re feeling it or not, act with generosity. When your husband randomly mentions how a small item would make his life easier, buy it for him as a “just because” gift. Be an attentive, empathetic listener when your spouse relays stories of aggravation or pain. To express appreciation and/or admiration, offer praise to your husband out loud.

Despite cool feelings, find ways to show affection. This can include anything from smiling to making an occasional reference to happier moments, such as “Remember that trip we took after we got married? I loved that place we stayed at.” Finally, focus on making a good impression. Dress and groom yourself nicely at home, and try to conduct yourself in a pleasant, respectful way, as you might do in a work environment.

By acting in these loving ways, you’ll provide a good model for your children and, at the same time, increase the likelihood that your spouse will act in more positive ways toward you.

Be the Role Model

What happens when parents (whether married or divorced) regularly bicker, argue, and fight? Certainly, their children are exposed to a skills deficit. When spouses raise their voices, insult each other, make ugly threats, and throw fits of temper, they fail to teach their children how to respectfully negotiate differences of opinion, accidental wounding, disappointment, frustration, and other routine marital challenges.

Every couple will be constantly bombarded with issues that require resolution: decisions regarding the daily activities, problems with division of labor in the house, parenting dilemmas, and challenges connected to finances, in-laws, religious activities, communal affairs, guests, vacations — you name it. The list of potential areas of disagreement, difference of opinion, and conflict is endless and continuous. And when parents fight about these issues, they teach their kids how to fight.

If your spouse is the combative one in your relationship, you can still make a big impact on your kids by teaching them how to quickly quell conflict. You have the ability to demonstrate how to successfully avoid, end, or redirect an invitation to fight. As an example, consider these two dialogues:

Angry husband to wife: “Why do you have to argue with everything I say?!”

Wife’s retort: “You’re the one arguing all the time. You just don’t know when to stop talking!”

Versus:           

Angry husband to wife: “Why do you have to argue with everything I say?!”

Wife’s response: “You know what, you’re right. There’s no need for me to argue. I’m sorry. I hear what you’re saying and you’ve actually got a point.”

The second dialogue illustrates the Torah principle of “run from conflict as you would flee from a fire.” The main goal is to end the fight. Issues of who’s right and who’s wrong become irrelevant in the face of an agenda to seek and pursue peace. This doesn’t mean, however, that deflection is always the appropriate response to a partner’s abusive behavior. Another possible ending to the above scenario could be this one:

Wife’s response: “I’d like to finish this discussion another time. Let’s take a break for a bit.”

This form of exit is most appropriate when a spouse is escalating to a point that any further discussion could only become more toxic. Even if (in the above scenario) the upset husband just screamed louder in response to being “shut down,” the children would learn from their mother how important it is to refrain from participating in a fighting match.

Also note that the wife lets her husband know that she does want to finish the discussion, but at another, presumably calmer, time. She’s not ignoring him. By so behaving, the children learn that “discussions” should never occur at high volumes.

At times, the most appropriate way to handle conflict is to say nothing at all in the moment. This is most suitable when a spouse has become verbally abusive. Refraining from answering back to — or fanning the fires of — provocation then becomes the technique that is imparted to the children.

If the children have overheard or witnessed abuse, it’s imperative for them to learn that the parent on the receiving end of this sort of treatment is taking active steps to address the situation. This can be accomplished in several ways. One example is approaching a child later, saying something like, “You heard us fighting before, right? That must have been scary and uncomfortable for you. I just want you to know that we’re sorry to have upset you and we’re in the process of working on this. Hopefully, things like this will happen less and less until they stop happening altogether.”

Suppose you’re not the victim in a conflict scenario, but rather are the perpetrator. What if it’s you who’s always issuing the invitation to fight? This could happen because of the way you were raised and might just be a programmed response to inner stress. If so, you can still be the one to show the kids how to end conflict. It might sound like this:

Angry wife to husband: “Why do you have to argue with everything I say?”

Angry wife, catching herself in the moment: “I’m sorry. Please let me take that back. I’m just upset right now. I’ll talk to you about this later.”

In this example, kids learn that mistakes can be corrected. They learn that people can monitor themselves, repair their behavior, and choose a path of growth. Most importantly, they see that pursuing peace is far more important than proving one’s point.

Violence Is a Red Line

Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, and blocking movement are all obvious acts of violence. But there are more subtle forms of aggression, too, such as angrily speeding out of the driveway, slamming the door, banging down the phone, throwing things, and even raising a hand as if to strike.

In homes where violence is a routine fact of life, children tend to be traumatized. Many suffer lifelong negative effects including severe emotional and relationship challenges. Children may become violent adults themselves and/or passive victims of abusive partners. One must do everything possible to prevent the disastrous consequences of growing up in an abusive household.

Even rare occasions of aggression can be damaging for children to witness or experience. Learning that a parent is capable of violence erodes the sense of trust and safety that is necessary for a child’s healthy development. When a child sees one parent assaulting or frightening the other, healthy feelings toward both parents may be compromised: the child can lose positive regard for the perpetrator and lose respect for the victim. Feelings of anger, desire for revenge, sadness, and fear may all follow exposure to parental violence.

That said, just as we’ve seen in less severe styles of dysfunction, one healthy spouse can make all the difference. Such a spouse can show children that violent and aggressive behavior is never acceptable in family life. He or she can also demonstrate regard for one’s own safety and value by refusing to accept mistreatment.

Ideally, the healthy parent will be able to take action at the first sign of abusive behavior. But even if that’s not the case, the mother, say, can still make a huge impact by standing up for herself (and ultimately, the children). For instance, in the midst of a violent act, she can say out loud: “This has to stop right now. We’re not solving our problems this way.” She can also give warnings: “If you don’t stop right now, I’ll have to leave the house with the children until you let me know that it’s safe for us to be here,” or “If you don’t stop this right now, I’ll have to call for help.”

You should also set limits in whatever way is appropriate in your situation. For instance, “I will no longer accept this sort of behavior in this house,” or “If this ever happens again, we (or you) will have to get help,” or “If this happens again, I’ll have to let your parents/rabbi/siblings know what’s going on.” The most important thing is for your children to see that violence is not to be tolerated.

It may not be possible to suddenly put an end to unhealthy marital cycles. What is possible, however, is to acknowledge to oneself that there is inevitable damage occurring to the children as long as there is excessive tension, negative energy, aggression, or violence occurring within the marriage. To help your kids thrive, it’s tremendously important to get professional help for yourself — and your children. If your kids are very young, an art therapist or play therapist might be more appropriate. (See sidebar, “Getting the Right Help.”)

For the Sake of the Kids

Parents who choose to sacrifice their own personal happiness to remain married “for the sake of the children” need to understand that just staying together — while a good beginning — is not good enough for your kids’ development. You also have to commit to being the “healthy” parent.

Your kids may not thank you right away for your hard work (nor even be aware of it), but they’ll be immensely grateful down the line. Take the case of a woman named Shifra*: “My father has always been a very difficult person. Now that I’m married myself, I often think about how hard it must have been all those years for my mother. In their day, couples didn’t go to counseling and very few people got divorced — people just ‘toughed it out.’

“But my mother did much more than that. She taught us so many valuable lessons. For instance, she never became bitter. You’d never hear her say things like, ‘I deserve better. Why did Hashem give me this to deal with?’ On the contrary, she’d say things like, ‘Hashem has a plan. Everything is for the good.’ And you could tell that she believed it. There was no physical abuse, so Mom never felt she had to resort to leaving the marriage. She felt that divorce was hard on children and wanted us to have a home. So she worked really hard to make it the best it could be despite everything.

“My parents worked with a rabbi for many years and things got calmer in our house. My mother showed us that with patience, courage, fortitude, trust in Hashem, and hard work, you can handle difficult situations. I learned from my mother what to do in marriage, and, from my father, what not to do. But I also learned from my father that people can change and improve all throughout life. Although I wish that Hashem had given me an easier childhood, I can see that — like my mother says — it’s all for the good. I use everything I learned in my parents’ house to make my own home the beautiful home it is today.”

Some people are blessed with an easy partner and an easy marriage; others are not. Since no one sets out on purpose to have a difficult life, the difficulties are obviously orchestrated by Hashem. Your job is to do the best you can given the circumstances. This may mean that you end up doing all of the hard work in your marriage. Admittedly, it seems a little unfair. You might wonder, “Why should I work so hard on my marriage when my husband does nothing?” Look into your children’s eyes and you’ll find the answer.

The Consequences of Conflict

Growing up in a home with strife, children typically endure a host of short- and long-term problems.

First, living in any kind of dysfunctional family is a shameful experience for a child. The kid always longs for a “normal” home, by which he means a happy, loving, healthy, safe, emotionally stable environment. A child tends to assume that everyone else has a normal home (which, of course, is not true) and, as a result, he feels isolated, alone, different, and even tainted. He keeps his situation a secret, never daring to reach out for help or understanding. He carries a private burden that nestles deeply inside his psyche, affecting his behavior, health, and emotions throughout the rest of his life — or until he actively heals the wounds through a therapeutic process.

Children in troubled marriages also experience high doses of stress. Chronic fighting, intense fighting, or any kind of fighting in earshot of a sensitive kid can overwhelm the child’s nervous system. This can manifest in behavioral problems, emotional “nervous” problems, health problems, sleeping problems, and academic problems. Sometimes, so much of a child’s mind is occupied with the tension at home that he cannot concentrate well at school. His teachers assume he has Attention Deficit Disorder when, in fact, he is highly distracted by internal psychological stress.

Worse, the kid himself feels flawed. He cannot understand why he feels sad, anxious, and overwhelmed. He knows that he’s not being beaten, that no one is drunk, that no terrible abuse is being perpetrated — yet he blames himself for being miserable because he doesn’t understand that he’s suffering from the normal effects of living in an emotionally toxic environment.

Kids living amidst a troubled marriage often work hard to distract or rescue their parents from conflict. They may become “parentified” — little parents to their own parents, trying to help them solve their marriage problems. This backward dynamic puts excessive strain on the psyche of children, one that is only aggravated by the parenting deficits that might already be in play.

Spouses living in a troubled marriage often have insufficient attention or energy for parenting tasks. In pain themselves, they cannot always meet the emotional needs of their children. Sometimes the kids respond by trying to be “perfect.” They hope to receive some attention and validation for being helpful, for doing well in school and sometimes, for offering help and support to their battle-worn parents. All of this striving is unnatural for a child, straining his own emotional resources.

Young children are particularly prone to taking responsibility for the tension in the home; they reason “it’s my fault,” or “it’s because I didn’t go to bed on time.” If the parents are fighting about parenting issues, it’s all the more likely for kids of every age to feel responsible for the trouble in the marriage. Very often, a child reaches adulthood before he realizes that he wasn’t to blame for his parents’ difficult relationship.

Getting the Right Help

Did you know that many social workers, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists have absolutely no training in marital counseling? Although well intentioned, such people may actually harm your marriage rather than strengthen it. Similarly, not all marital therapists feel strongly about the importance of maintaining marriage for a lifetime. So before signing up for marriage therapy or individual counseling to discuss relationship issues, find out what sort of training the therapist has.

 (Originally featured in Family First Issue 267)

The post A Home without Harmony first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.