How to recalibrate when one spouse feels like they’re doing too much

Sometimes, it can feel like you’re doing all the work and your spouse isn’t chipping in as much. But is that an accurate perception of your household split? And if too much is resting on your shoulders, what can you do about that?

Faigie comes home from her job after stopping at the grocery and picking up the baby from day care. She barely has a minute to throw in a load of laundry and start boiling water for pasta before her three other children come bursting through the door.

Her husband, Shimmy, started working last year. By the time he gets home from his job, it’s often seven or later. By then, she’s putting the baby to sleep, starting bedtime, and finishing homework with the older ones. Shimmy enters in the middle of this. Between tasks, she makes him a plate of pasta and salad and eventually sits down to join him.

It doesn’t last long. Shimmy jumps up after 15 minutes. “I’m going to Maariv, and I told Yanky I’d play basketball with him after that,” he says.

Faigie smiles wanly. “Have a good time,” she says. As he exits stage right, she looks at the toys scattered everywhere, the dishes piled next to the sink, and the washing machine ready for its second load, and she bursts into tears.

Things come to a head on Sunday. Faigie is trying to clean up the post-Shabbos mess, keep the kids busy instead of destroying the house, and hoping that Shimmy can watch them for a couple of hours so she can do the weekly food shopping in peace. But no such luck. Shimmy is sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone when she asks him to babysit. “What — just me with all the kids?” he says. “You know I don’t do diapers. Anyway, I have a shiur before Minchah!”

Faigie explodes. “You don’t do anything in this house, EVER!” she yells. “I work, too, in case you hadn’t noticed! And I also take care of everything else — the house, the kids, the laundry, the cooking, the shopping! This just isn’t fair!”

A Vicious Cycle

Does any of this sound familiar? When a husband allows his wife to become the sole caretaker of the home and children, the wife grouses that he can’t, or won’t, pull his own weight. He doesn’t pitch in, or he does the job so poorly that she feels it would be better if he stopped trying. “I thought I married a grown-up,” she grumbles. “I’m his wife and partner. I’m not his maid or mommy!”

Mishpacha columnist and therapist Sarah Chana Radcliffe runs a workshop entitled The Unbalanced Marriage to help women address these issues. “When one partner is left with too large a load, she will feel exhausted, uncared for, unloved, and resentful,” she explains. “Eventually, that leads to rage.”