We gave Big Gedaliah Goomber a few more Erev Shabbos sagas, but he always made it to the finish line before shkiyah

When I think about all the fun times we had doing children’s concerts over the years, the most memorable character to grace our stage was surely Big Gedaliah Goomber. The iconic song “Big Gedaliah Goomber” was composed by Yosaif Silverman a”h in Toronto back in 1962, but wasn’t released until 1969, on a record he called Big Gedaliah Goomber and Other Songs. Ten years later, we had the pleasure of featuring Yosaif’s beloved character on our first Uncle Moishy album. We found that the character who declared, “Ain’t gonna work on Saturday,” was still a magnet for children (and for children who had in the interim become adults).

As soon as we began doing Uncle Moishy concerts, the song took on a life of its own and suddenly became a major part of every concert we did. We would act out each stanza, describing all of Gedaliah Goomber’s peculiar Erev Shabbos episodes. This would always be the song that followed intermission, and when the curtain went up, the audience would see a huge barbell sitting center stage. To much cheering from the kids in the audience, the performers would come on stage and take turns attempting to lift this “very heavy”’ barbell, to no avail. When all the characters finally gave up, Zale Newman would address the audience and plead, “Is there anybody out there who can help us lift this off the stage?” And suddenly, the music would begin, and Gedaliah Goomber would come onto stage, wearing his trademark “Think Big” T-shirt, walk over to the barbell, and casually lift it with one finger. The audience cracked up, even though they already knew full well that the barbell was actually just a piece of plastic.

When we recorded Uncle Moishy Volume 2, we decided to write two brand new verses to the Gedaliah saga: One was Gedaliah Goomber as a fire chief, a.k.a. Chief Goomber, and the other was Gedaliah as a baseball player on a team called Shomer Shabbos, where we had Goomber standing ready and then hitting the ball, while the umpire would shout, “foul ball,” and Goomber would argue, “but I hit that ball to Mexico!” to which the umpire would reply, “Mexico is foul!”

On Volume 3, we wrote a few new verses: One was about Native Americans meeting up with Gedaliah just before Shabbos. When Gedaliah asked the American Indians to come for Shabbos, they would reply, “We have no reservation.”

And every time we reached the words, “Ain’t gonna work on Saturday,” and Goomber would turn to the audience and shout, “WHY?!” and the entire audience would shout back, “It’s Shabbos Kodesh!” we knew we hit the mark.

We were once flying to Toronto to do a concert and we were going through customs. We’d always carry a huge duffle bag of props just for the Goomber part of the concert, and the nametag on the duffle bag said “Goomber” in big lettering. When we got to the customs agent, he asked us what was in the bag. One of our guys answered that it was religious articles. You had to see the agent’s face when he opened up the Goomber bag and pulled out a huge baseball bat, a barbell, an Indian headdress, a fire hat and various huge props. He looked up at us and replied, “Boy, religion sure has changed over the years.”

When we started putting Gedaliah Goomber on video, we had one person in mind for the role, and we were only hoping he would be game to play this tremendous character. In the end, Nachum Segal wholeheartedly agreed to go for it. We couldn’t have been happier (and hope he was, too!).

Now, I’m not making this last part up, so feel free to do your research: A few weeks back, on a Friday evening, the New York Yankees were playing the Colorado Rockies, and the pitcher for Colorado was Gomber. And his nickname? “Big G.” So the question arises, how did Gomber play on Friday night? After looking into the matter, I discovered that the game began at 6:40 Colorado time, and sunset was not until 8:34. And what time did they take him out of the game? They took him out at 8:26. WHY? Cuz it’s Shabbos Kodesh!

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 973)

The post Double, Double, Triple Pay first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

In honor of Rav Pam, whose 22nd yahrtzeit is 28 Av

It was over 40 years ago, yet I recall the incident as if it was yesterday.

I am sitting across from Rav Pam ztz”l, and I could not contain my feelings of hurt and resentment.

“But Rebbi, why didn’t he come to my chasunah?” I asked for the third time. Shloimke Furman*, who I considered a very close friend, was a no-show at my chasunah. When I asked why he wasn’t coming, he responded, “I’m sorry. I can’t make it. I have a conflict.”

That was it.

Now, four months later, try as I might, I couldn’t get rid of my hurt and resentment.

Rav Pam looked at me with his soft and understanding eyes. He listened as I poured out my heart.

“Tell me something. You are now married four months, correct?”

I nodded.

“Did it ever happen that your wife called and asked what would you like for dinner?”

I nodded again.

“And did it ever happen you answered that you would enjoy a fleishig supper, and when you arrived home, she had prepared milchigs?”

How did he know that’s what happened tonight at dinner?!

“And how did you react? Are you resentful of your wife?”

“Oh no, not at all.”

“Do you think she did it to hurt you?”

“Of course not! I’m sure she had a good reason for switching. She would never do anything to hurt me.”

Rav Pam smiled. “I think you understand. Just replace your wife with your friend. I’m sure he had his reasons and never intended to hurt you.”

I thanked Rav Pam and left with a (somewhat) lighter heart.

Fast forward 41 years.

It’s August, and I am with my wife at the Kosel.

Someone taps me on the shoulder, I turn.

I am face to face with Shloimke Furman.

He has aged; however, his voice is the same. He is also with his wife.

He asks, “How are you? Don’t you have your anniversary coming up? I remember you got married in Elul.”

The next words exploded from my mouth as if they had been waiting to be said for over 40 years.

“How would you know? You weren’t there!”

I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth.

Shloimke was hurt. I was hurt. Our wives were embarrassed.

We said our goodbyes and headed in our separate directions.

The next morning as I was returning from Shacharis at the Kosel, Shloimke Furman was waiting for me.

“Can I speak to you for a moment?”

We found a quiet spot on a bench. The cool Yerushalayim breeze felt wonderfully refreshing.

“I see you’re still upset about my missing your chasunah 41 years ago. I had just begun a new yeshivah zeman and felt I couldn’t afford to miss seder during Elul.”

“Other friends came. Somehow they managed to take off. Why couldn’t you?”

“I’m not trying to convince you that I was right. I just want you to know that I had reasons and never intended to hurt you.”

As those words — “I had reasons and never intended to hurt you” — rolled off his tongue, I was no longer in Yerushalayim of Eretz Yisrael, and it was no longer 2023.

I was transported to Yerushalayim of Kensington at 425 East 9th Street, and the year was 1982.

I am sitting with Rav Pam as he reminds me for the umpteenth time, “I am sure he had reasons, and he never intended to hurt you.”

I return to the bench in the shadow of the future Beis Hamikdash and look into the face of Shloimke Furman.

Simultaneously, we reach out and hug each other.

As the tears run down our cheeks, 41 years of needless resentment are finally washed away.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 973)

The post Everyone Has a Cheshbon first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

This past year, my birthday fell out on Shabbos. My kids decided to do a Kids with Lids/Tots with Pots version of Man with a Pan. They had no intention of getting written up, and they didn’t take on any of the challenges we officially attach to Man with a Pan, but their goal was so sincere that it brought me back to the birth of our Man with a Pan column four years ago.

The husband of our graphic designer, Devorah Cohen, is a rebbe 10 months a year. When the school year was over, he offered to step in to help her make Shabbos. He happens to be savvy in the kitchen, and Devorah’s favorite sport is not cooking, so it was the perfect treat for her.

We followed his lead in our subsequent columns, along with the stipulations he set up for himself. He wouldn’t ask Devorah for advice, help, or even recipe directions. He called his mother to ask how to make challah, and searched through cookbooks so as not to trigger a wife’s natural “I’ll just do it” reaction.

My kids had the same drive to give me a break, and I loved the way they galvanized to make such a meaningful statement together. It was a labor of love for them, and they really felt proud of themselves.

I’d like to thank all the husbands and sons who stepped up to the plate to give their mothers and wives a well-deserved break week after week. I hope we can say that we started a revolution of more help in the kitchen, or just of taking notice of the ways our families can chip in to make our lives easier. Sadly, we’ll be saying goodbye to Man with a Pan, and welcoming a fun new competition column, Feel the Heat, which is debuting this week. A pair of you will go head-to-head to create two unique versions of one base recipe. Lots will happen along the way, and we can’t wait to hear about it!

CHANIE NAYMAN
Food Editor, Family Table
Editor in Chief, Kosher.com

Simple Barbecued Chicken

This is my version of a quick homemade barbecue sauce, but calling it that feels like I’m adding the step of actually making a big batch of barbecue sauce (which would be smart, btw). Instead, I throw the elements of a barbecue sauce into a ziplock with some cutlets and do the same thing again the next time.

• ¼ cup ketchup
• 2 Tbsp brown sugar
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 2 Tbsp soy sauce
• ½ tsp salt
• ⅛ tsp pepper
• ½ tsp coffee granules
• 2 lbs (910 g) dark meat chicken cutlets

Dark meat chicken cutlets really absorb the flavor best because they can withstand a longer, slower grilling time. I flip them regularly to prevent overcooking.

For the Flip

I use two pairs of tongs when I grill to avoid cross-contamination — one for placing the chicken on the grill and one for flipping and taking it off.

Afternoon Recharge

Our mid-afternoon dip into the freezer has been repeatedly to look for the Mehadrin Chocolate Leben Ice-Cream Pops! They’re so creamy, soft, and refreshing, and not too sweet, which I really like. As expected, the kids love them!

(Originally featured in Family Table, Issue 855)

The post From my Table: Simple Barbecued Chicken first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

I swung lazily back and forth and looked at Avi, manager of a large not-for-profit organization that guides parents toward a diagnosis for children with learning differences. He’d reached out to consult with me about revamping the organization’s software, and had asked me to come in.

“I’ve never started a meeting off on a swing,” I said to him.

“I wanted you to really get a feel for how we work, and I figured this is the best way to do it,” he said standing next to several stuffed bean bags.

I appreciated that. Taking one last look at the colorful room, I let the swing slow to a stop and followed Avi to his office.

Once settled in his office, I got down to business.  “At our last meeting, you described to me what you’d like your software to be able to do. Have you thought about it anymore?”

Avi pointed to his colleague, who had just walked into the room. “Boruch is our director of clinical services. I’d like him to be involved in the final decision.”

“Great!” I looked over at Boruch. “So, just a quick recap: At our last meeting I got a sense of the software you need to fill your needs. It seems pretty clear there’s nothing on the market that works, and we discussed the options going forward for creating software tailored to your exact needs.

“Option A is ‘semi-custom.’ It’s when you use a premade base and add additional functions as needed.

“Option B is ‘no-code.’ It’s software that allows you to drag and drop elements to create software with minimal or no code.

“Option C is ‘fully custom.’ That’s when a software expert uses code to write the software from scratch.”

Boruch looked up. “I’m no software expert, but it seems like a no brainer to me — of course we want no code. But honestly,” he added, after pausing for a few seconds’ thought, “it sounds too good to be true. Can anyone who wants to create software really do it himself?”

Do you need to know code to use no-code?

Recently there’s been a lot of talk in the software world about no-code. This new development makes software creation so much faster and cheaper, and seems to preclude the need for experts. It’s an exciting and tempting concept.

The question is: Is it as easy as it sounds? Can you actually create any type of software, or are there still some advantages to creating software using plain old code?

We need to distinguish between different platforms, all ostensibly no-code. Now that no-code has become a buzzword, every platform has started identifying themselves as such, even though some just have limited no-code functionality.

Let’s break it down:

>Off-the-shelf platforms that have a “no-code option.”  Many ready-made platforms started advertising a no-code option. That does not mean that you can create software using it. It means that within the main function of the platform, like project management or a CRM (customer relationship management), you’re able to customize certain elements.

Examples include: SmartSuite, Monday.com

>Purely no-code platforms: These are platforms that are exactly what people mean when they refer to no-code. These platforms have a bar at the side with different elements that users might want to use in their software. Those elements can include a button, text, a link, a chart or table, a database, a navigation bar, etc. There’s also an option to add code when there’s something needed and there’s no premade element doing it.

You don’t need a computer programmer to create software with this kind of platform, but generally you need to be very technologically savvy to navigate it. You also need a deep understanding of the logic behind software.

Example: bubble.io

>“Low-code”: Some no-code platforms are better referred to as “low-code.” They have many of the same pre-made elements as a no-code platform, but some code is needed to make the system work.

Example: Retool

“I hear what you’re saying.” Boruch looked disappointed. “I was hoping to create the software myself, but it sounds like the program we hope to create will need some code. Just no-code isn’t going to cut it.”

I laughed. “Don’t worry, making software yourself is not as much fun as it sounds.”

Boruch still seemed to be thinking, “Why did you even mention fully custom software at all?” He finally spoke up. “If no-code or low-code is an option, why would anyone go fully custom?”

“Good questions!” I told Boruch.

No-Code vs. Fully Custom

In theory, it sounds like you can do anything with no-code. If there’s a pre-made element for what you need, you use it, and if not, you just add code. But while it sounds simple, in reality it isn’t. Although technically most things are possible with no-code, it’s sometimes easier to create the software from scratch.

“What?” Boruch looked horrified. “That makes no sense at all!”

“You’d be surprised.”  I smiled.

While someone not acquainted with programming might assume that the less code used, the better, developers know that when they set up more complex software, they often find themselves needing to work around the preexisting settings of the no-code platform.

In other words, the no-code platform has a certain method for getting things done (i.e., how it authenticates users), but the company may need something more complex.

If the platform’s methods don’t work for your needs, then the workaround can be more complicated than writing the software yourself in the first place.

“How do we know if we’re in that category?” Avi jumped in, getting practical.

“Whether you’re going no-code or fully custom is a choice the person setting up your software — in this case, me — needs to make. It isn’t something you would know on your own.

“But there’s another major factor in this decision, aside from the settings, that I need you to be involved in.”

I stood up too quickly at the end of the meeting and was dizzy for a second, the way I’d felt when I got off the swing before.  Small price to pay for the joy of helping them reach clarity on their needs instead of swinging back and forth with their options.

The platform’s look and feel (UI/UX)

No-code uses pre-made blocks, resulting in a certain “look.”  There’s no way to work around that. The design of your platform needs to fit in with the general template that no-code offers. If you need your platform to have a particular UI/UX feel, then it might be worth going fully custom.

Once set up correctly with proper controls, you’ll see just how much of your work automations can do risk-free!

Liora Waxman is the Director of Content Strategy at TidyStack, a company that creates and sets up software/automations for businesses to perfectly fit their needs.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 973)

The post No Code or Low Code first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

This marinade combines just the right amount of each ingredient to produce the juiciest, most tender cutlets. It’s seasoned to perfection, with just the right balance of sweet and savory!

SERVES 6–7

• 1½ lbs (680 g) chicken cutlets (9 cutlets, pounded thin)

Marinade

• ¼ cup avocado oil (or other mildly flavored oil, such as sunflower oil)
• 2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
• 1 Tbsp regular vinegar
• 2 Tbsp soy sauce
• 2 Tbsp teriyaki sauce
• ⅓ cup brown sugar
• 1 Tbsp honey
• 1 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
• ½ tsp paprika (preferably in oil)
• ½ tsp onion powder
• pinch oregano
• 1 Tbsp mustard, preferably Dijon
• ½ tsp kosher salt
• pinch black pepper, or to taste
• 1 clove garlic, crushed

Combine all marinade ingredients in a large bag or bowl. Remove ¹⁄₂–³⁄₄ cup of the marinade and set aside. Add cutlets to the bag or bowl and marinate in the fridge for an hour (up to 4 hours).

Preheat oven to 400°F (200°C).

Place chicken cutlets on a Palisades Parchment Paper-lined pan sprayed with cooking spray. Bake for 12–15 minutes on one side, then flip over and bake a few minutes on the other side. (It should be a total of about 18 minutes. Since every oven works differently, be sure to test for doneness before the time is up.) Cover loosely with parchment paper when removing from the oven.

Alternatively, preheat a grill pan. Spray with cooking spray and drizzle with a little oil. Grill each cutlet for approximately 5 minutes on each side or until done.

The reserved marinade can be used as is, or brought to a boil in a small pot and simmered until slightly reduced and thickened. Pour over cutlets for extra flavor, or over a side dish like rice, bulgur, or quinoa.

Tip: Once the cutlets are cooked, you can slice them into strips and add to a lettuce salad for added protein. Dress with a Caesar or garlic lemon dressing.

(Originally featured in Family Table, Issue 855)

The post Best Bold Grilled Chicken Cutlets first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Photos: Ap Images

Hunter Biden has proven the most fecund source of scandals of anyone in recent memory. Or at least, he should be — if not for all the major American institutions that have been caught trying to cover his tracks. The Department of Justice (DOJ), the FBI and CIA, the US intelligence community, the mainstream media — all of these formerly trusted entities have seen their image tarnished in the eyes of the public with the revelations of Hunter’s wrongdoing.

So numerous are those scandals that it is impossible to tell the players without a scorecard. Those scandals begin with the revelation, weeks before the 2020 presidential election, of the laptop Hunter left in a Delaware repair shop. But the laptop has proven to be only the tip of the iceberg.

The questions that are emerging now pertain to: how personally involved Joe Biden was in his son’s business dealings; why Attorney General Merrick Garland’s Justice Department ran interference for Hunter when questions of criminal culpability arose; and what Chinese and Ukrainian firms thought they were acquiring when they gave money to the Bidens.

Exhibit A: The Laptop

Why did the suppression of the Hunter laptop story reach so high into US intelligence echelons?

The laptop abundantly documented Hunter Biden’s dissolute lifestyle, involving multiple addictions. But far more relevant both to the 2020 election results and to the security of the US was what it revealed about the Biden family influence-peddling business.

Even before the first New York Post story about the laptop appeared, the FBI and other government agencies leaned hard on both Twitter and Facebook to not allow dissemination of the Post stories. (See “Beware the Government-Industrial Censorship Complex,” Mishpacha, Issue 965). The night before the first Post story, FBI Special Agent Elvis Chan sent ten messages to Twitter executives and almost certainly did the same with Facebook, implying that it was likely Russian disinformation.

Amazingly, even as the FBI worked feverishly to suppress reporting of the laptop, it knew that the laptop was not Russian disinformation. The FBI had possession of the laptop from late 2019. Laura Dehmlow, the current chief of the FBI’s Foreign Influence Task Force, related in an interview with the House Judiciary Committee that when a Twitter executive asked whether the FBI knew the laptop was real, when the first Post story broke, a junior FBI officer on the call started to answer affirmatively, when he was cut off by a more senior official, who said, “No further comment.”

(As a consequence, inter alia, of the suppression of New York Post reporting of the contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, Federal District Court Judge Terry Doughty has now entered a preliminary injunction, in Missouri v. Biden, against any further government involvement in what is posted on social media platforms.)

But the efforts at suppression of the Post story were not confined to the FBI. No less shocking is the signing of a letter attesting that the story of Hunter Biden’s laptop bore “all the earmarks of a Russian information operation,” by 51 former senior US intelligence officials, including Obama’s CIA director John Brennan and his director of national intelligence, James Clapper.

That letter was solicited by the Biden campaign as a talking point to deploy if Donald Trump raised the laptop issue in the upcoming presidential debate. Predictably, Trump did point to the contents of the laptop, including Hunter Biden’s lucrative position on the board of directors of a thoroughly corrupt Ukrainian energy company, Burisma, at a time when his father held the Ukrainian portfolio in the US government. And Biden pointed to the Letter of 51 to dismiss the laptop as completely debunked.

According to Mike Morell, the former acting director of the CIA, who drafted the letter, the solicitation came from current secretary of state Anthony Blinken, who was then a senior Biden campaign advisor. (Blinken denies it.) The 51 senior intelligence officials lent their prestige and aura of expertise to a purely political gesture, without a scintilla of evidence linking the laptop to Russia — even though Hunter Biden never denied that the laptop was his.

And, even more troubling, this letter had input not only from retired intelligence officials, but from currently active CIA personnel — ostensibly part of the executive branch, headed by President Trump. Mike Morell took the trouble to submit the letter to the CIA’s Prepublication Classification Review Board on October 19, 2020, and received immediate clearance. Within hours the letter was published by Politico.

Another ex-CIA official, David Cariens, also revealed the assistance of active CIA employees. Cariens had an unrelated matter then pending before the same Classification Review Board; he was seeking security clearance from the board for a book he had written. A CIA official called him to convey the message that his book had been cleared, but also took the opportunity to ask Cariens whether he would like to sign the Letter of 51. He did. In short, a CIA employee, at a time Donald Trump was still president, acted to aid the Biden campaign.

Between the Letter of 51 and the suppression of the New York Post reporting on Twitter and Facebook, senior US security officials and the FBI managed to tilt the 2020 presidential election to Joe Biden. Prominent atheist talk show host Sam Harris approvingly described their skullduggery as “a left-wing conspiracy to deny the presidency to Donald Trump.” And Daily Beast national security reporter David Rothkopf wrote a laudatory book, American Resistance, with the subtitle “The Inside Story of How the Deep State Saved the Nation” — from a second Trump term.

The mainstream media soiled itself once again in studiously avoiding all comment or attention to the contents of Hunter’s laptop being reported in the New York Post. Even when Tony Bobulinski, a former business partner of Hunter’s, confirmed an email specifying the allocation of profits from a deal between Hunter and friends and a Chinese energy company with close ties to the ruling Communist Party, and identified “the big guy,” who was supposed to receive 10 percent of the proceeds, as former vice president Biden, not one MSM outlet followed up with Bobulinski or pursued the story.

The post The Hunter Scorecard first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Heart to Heart

Shoshana Schwartz

Balance, coordination, strength… it’s easy to understand how horseback riding can be an effective aid for physical disabilities. But therapeutic horseback riding isn’t just for physical issues. In Israel, the health funds subsidize therapeutic riding lessons for kids with ASD, ADHD, and many other social, emotional, or behavioral issues. Besides the empowerment of directing a creature that’s ten times your size, you immediately begin practicing frustration tolerance, delayed gratification, obeying rules, paying attention to social cues, and more.

In other parts of the world, equine-assisted therapy (or hippotherapy) generally takes place on the ground, not up on the horse. Studies have demonstrated that interacting with horses can reduce blood pressure, heart rate, anxiety, stress levels, and feelings of anger, while increasing feelings of trust, empowerment, and self-efficacy.

The question is, how does interacting with a horse help you heal? Science may have the answer — and it begins in your heart.

If your pulse is 60 beats per minute, that doesn’t mean your heart is beating exactly once every second. The interval between beats actually varies, hence the term heart rate variability, or HRV. When there’s more variability between beats (as can easily be seen on an electrocardiogram, or ECG) you have high HRV; when there’s less variability, you have low HRV. Sustained high HRV typically indicates greater physical resilience and emotional regulation.

Like the brain, the heart has its own electrical system, which produces an electromagnetic field. According to the HeartMath Institute, the heart’s field is over 100 times stronger than that of the brain, and it extends out three feet from the body. When another person is close enough to this magnetic field, it can affect them, whether or not they’re consciously aware of it. This might explain how we can sense other people’s moods and emotions without consciously analyzing their body language or expression.

On an ECG, when the graph of the heart rhythm looks smoother, the heartbeat is more “coherent” (ordered); when it’s less smooth, the heartbeat is less coherent (erratic or disordered). Coherent rhythms are associated with joy, calmness, love, and other positive emotions, along with resilience — the ability to quickly recover from stressful situations and be restored to calmness.

A horse’s HRV is generally higher than that of humans, and is also more coherent. Horses are highly sensitive to their surroundings. They are extremely quick to flee from danger, and they recover quickly as well, reverting back to their general state of calm.

Because a horse’s heart is roughly five times the size of a human heart, their electromagnetic field is proportionally that much larger. Therefore, the horse’s calm, coherent, resilient state of being can influence that of humans (imagine a large energy field subsuming a smaller one), enveloping you in their soothing aura.

Not everyone is cut out to ride a horse, but just spending time around horses can regulate your emotional state, leaving you calm and present.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in addiction and codependency. She gives in-person and online addiction prevention lectures and workshops to education and mental health professionals, community leaders, and parent groups, as well as 12-Step workshops for non-addicts.

The New Normal

Hadassah Eventsur

Do you ever feel like you just can’t manage daily tasks? Are you always running late and have difficulty remembering appointments? Are you easily distracted? Do you tend to react, blurt things out, or easily lose your temper? Do you mask these symptoms, trying to put up a front that “you have it all together”? You may be neurodivergent, the term used when someone’s brain processes, learns, and/or behaves differently from what is considered “typical.”

There are many different types of neurodivergence, and they are typically, but not always, associated with some of the following diagnoses: ADD/ADHD, dyslexia, autism, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression.

When someone is neurodivergent, they likely struggle with their executive functioning skills, a toolkit which includes skills like emotional regulation, working memory, planning, regulating attention, and impulse control.

Let’s look at the executive functioning skills required for the “simple” task of taking a shower: Keeping track of how much time is available to shower (time management); remembering to get a towel (working memory); feeling overwhelmed by having another task to do (emotional regulation); getting sidetracked with a different task (regulating attention). All that for a shower!

Until now, the neurodivergent brain was thought to be an abnormality. But more current research has led to the understanding that there is no such thing as an average brain. If you build a theory about thought, learning, or personality based on an average brain, then you have created a theory that applies to no one.

Instead of viewing neurodivergence as an illness, experts are now viewing it as a different way of learning and processing information. This idea is called neurodiversity, and it recognizes that both brain function and behaviors simply show how diverse the human population is.

People with neurodivergence have many strengths, and can accomplish so many things by using their creative and out-of-the-box thinking. But the truth is that our heavily scheduled and time-based culture make things more challenging for people with neurodivergence.

To help you understand why you struggle with daily care tasks, begin by choosing a specific chore, such as showering, packing your kids’ lunches, dishes, laundry, etc. Now, break the task down into steps. Doing this can give you important information such as which step causes me to feel resistance, overwhelm, or anxiety.

It can also bring recognition as to the complexity of the myriad of daily tasks, so you can be more compassionate with yourself as you learn new strategies in your journey to growth.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L is a licensed occupational therapist with over 20 years of experience, and a certified life coach in the Baltimore, MD area. She is currently working on creating support groups to provide community education and strategies for frum women who struggle with executive functioning and managing the care tasks of life. She can be contacted through Family First.

Savoring Summer

Zipora Schuck

Can’t get away this summer? Work schedule the same? Feel like the day-to-day routine doesn’t seem refreshing?

Practice summer mindfulness.

Do one thing every day that makes you feel summer — drink an iced coffee, make a barbecue, serve supper outside picnic-style, stop and smell the roses, swim, enjoy the sensation of the sun warming you when walking outside, take even ten minutes to do something that feels relaxing, or just enjoy the kids’ excitement about day camp.

Each evening, jot down how you summered that day. When fall comes around you’ll have that list to give you wonderful memories of how you enjoyed and relaxed, without leaving home.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 855)

The post Heart to Heart first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Since the summer began, we’ve been running a “Savor that Summer” series in the Mix section of the magazine, where writers take turns sharing their summer memories. Rachel Bachrach, the editor who coordinated this series, has worked hard to bring you a mix of styles, locations, and experiences, with that magic thread of nostalgia weaving the whole project together.

You may have noticed something interesting: most of the pieces celebrate the fun that comes with long, unstructured days, and the bespoke activities and entertainment that kids concoct in the absence of firm schedules.

My summer memories do include that unstructured element — blueberry picking and salamander hunts and Stratego games on bungalow porches — but in hindsight, what I appreciate most about those months in Bayit V’Gan bungalows is the very professional, invested, and structured day camp.

Most of my years at Bayit V’Gan (BVG for short), the day camp was run by Rabbi Binyamin Schubert, and it began each morning with clockwork efficiency with a “modeh ani” serenade over the PA system, followed by a hearty “good morning…to a bright, beautiful, sunshiny Bayit V’Gan day.”

The day then unrolled to a predictable rhythm of calisthenics, davening, and tightly scheduled activities, with each bunk directed to a specific spot.

Every day, there was a shiur. I’m not sure if it was the unusual setting or the masterful delivery, but I still associate Tishah B’Av with the shiurim of Rebbetzin Yehudis Karelitz, who retold the accounts of Rabban Yochanan ben Zakkai, Abba Sikra, and Aspasyanus with thrilling drama and detail as we sat on the benches and floor of the colony’s gazebos.

Swimming in the colony’s pool, under the direction of Mrs. Fraidy Jankelewitz and her various assistants over the years, was the closest most of us would get to boot camp. Just getting into the pool grounds required that we recite a rhyming ditty following by a precise buddy call, and woe to the girl who couldn’t find her buddy when the whistle shrieked during free swim. Under Mrs. Jankelewitz’s expert fusion of firm commands and gentle coaxing, we all became proficient swimmers and divers.

The BVG day camp boasted official sports leagues for the boys and a yearly performance for the girls (some years the boys even put on their own performances too!), with mothers volunteering for the costume, makeup, and hairstyling crews. (My mother was the volunteer orchestra at her trusty keyboard.)

Shabbos afternoon had its own programming, beginning with a choir or play on the little stage (these days I feel compassion for the mothers who had to rush down the hill mid-Shabbos nap, rubbing the sleep from their eyes as they cheered on their little performers).

Every Friday afternoon, Rabbi Schubert would conduct a raffle for the entire camp with great pomp and theatrics. We all scrutinized our tickets carefully as he enunciated the chosen numbers with steadily increasing volume, and then the winners would be invited to choose a prize from the prize closet before heading home to prepare for Shabbos.

Campfires were official events, with campers spending at least a week foraging the surrounding woods for the perfect campfire stick (when you peeled back the outer layer of the wood, it had to be a springy light green underneath).

And rainy days meant everyone crowding into the shul, where tables were turned on their sides to create goals for a rousing indoor hockey game (favorite names included Team Cholent, Kugel, and Kishka).

Maybe the kids in other colonies enjoyed hour after hour of “figure it out yourself,” but for us BVG campers, the summer’s magic didn’t stem exclusively — or even mainly  — from aimless wandering or spontaneous ball games. It came from a structure that melded fun with purpose, and excitement with firm expectations.

And while I’m no chinuch expert, I can attest that it worked. I don’t know any BVG veteran who doesn’t get starry-eyed remembering our summers trekking from the day camp house to the gazebo to the pool to the paddleball court to the shul, in keeping with our daily list of activities, times, and locations. We knew that list, and the firm camp structure, formed the surest path to a summer of boundless fun.

—Shoshana Friedman

Managing Editor

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 973)

The post A Vote for Structure first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Kayla is crying her little heart out. “I want it!” she chokes out between her heavy sobs. “He had it already,” she explains desperately to Mom.

Kayla’s brother Daniel is soaking it up, playing with the yo-yo with renewed vigor, celebrating the fact that he has it and his sister doesn’t! Mom sees Kayla’s anguish. She wants to save her little girl from childhood trauma. She tells Daniel, “You’ve been playing with it for ten minutes already. You need to give Kayla a turn. I’m going to count to 20 and then you have to hand it over to her.”

We won’t discuss what happens next, except to say that it isn’t pretty.

Before we go further, I just want you to pause for a moment: How old are the children in the above scenario? What if Kayla is two years old? Would you insist that her brother give her the toy so she’ll stop crying? Would it make a difference if she is six or eight or ten years old? If so, how? What if Daniel is just four? Or what if he is 12 or older?

I ask these questions because I want you to think about your parenting philosophy. There are a lot of possibilities. Perhaps you feel that a two-year-old should always be given what she wants because she’s not old enough to understand why she can’t have it, and/or because she has serious problems with the word “no.” And maybe you feel that it’s only fair that your kids take turns playing with a toy that each of them wants at the same time.

If so, I’m wondering why. Is this the only toy in the house? What would happen if you told the nine-year-old to just go find some other toy? I’m imagining that the nine-year-old would insist that this is the one and only toy he wants to play with. Would you find his argument so compelling that you would then capitulate and insist the older one hand it over when the timer goes off in five minutes? If so, why?

The Power of No

Although kids act like the tragedy of the century has occurred when they can’t have what they want, and we loving parents naturally want to protect them from pain and suffering, we aren’t doing them any favors by ensuring they always get what they want. We may, in fact, be causing them harm.

(Having said that, there are definitely different standards for babies and toddlers than there are for school-age and older kids. This is because yes, babies and toddlers lack comprehension of the relevant factors.)

However, even preschool kids can understand that another child is busy playing with the coveted toy and therefore the toy is temporarily unavailable. Parents can either communicate that the unfortunate situation is intolerable or that it’s tolerable. By insisting that the desired toy become available, parents are aligning with the youngster’s assessment that the situation is one that can’t be tolerated — that it will cause overwhelming pain, and that there’s nothing that can possibly relieve it apart from accessing the toy.

Imagine, however, that parents shrug their shoulders and instruct the unhappy seven-year-old to “go do something else.” Their casual disregard of the issue — yes, their invalidation of the child’s heartbreak — conveys the message: this is NOT a catastrophe; you have other toys, life will go on even if you don’t play with that toy right now, and I completely expect that you’ll survive the frustration of the moment.

Children carefully watch their parents, learning from their reactions what is important, what is trivial, what is frightening, what is nothing to be concerned about, and so on. The child learns from the parent what constitutes a catastrophe — not the other way around. Parents demonstrate, through their reactions to life, the appropriate emotional and behavioral responses to lack, disappointment, and frustration.

If you want to help your child learn to take things in stride, to creatively solve their problems, and to cope well when things don’t go their way, show them how it’s done. Take your child’s unfounded hysteria in stride, don’t panic, and don’t act like it must be eradicated at all costs.

Instead, calmly accept and allow it, and patiently wait for it to abate. If your child cries because she hasn’t gotten the toy, know and show that it will be alright.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 855)

The post Can’t Have It first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

The school hallways are shadowy and too quiet.

It’s a week into our winter vacation — yup, schools in England have a full couple of weeks off — but we’re here to do scenery, and frankly, I’m glad to have something to do. I’ve been sitting around at Bubby’s place for a few days, and even relaxing gets too much sometimes.

Okay, so I went shopping once with Raizy and hung out with Aunt Chana a few times, spoke to Ima, too — it’s nice not to have to work around a school schedule. It’s also reassuring to hear her voice, hear that everything sounds okay. According to Ima, the political situation is just “staying the same.” Well, as long as it’s all the same, it can’t be too bad, right? I mean, the demonstrations and stuff weren’t even anywhere near them.

In any case, going into school with the others is proving to be a welcome break.

Michal feels along the wall for a light switch and knocks into something. We jump.

“What was that?” Esther squeaks.

“Oooooh,” Sari shudders, grabbing my hand.

The light goes on and we look at each other and burst out laughing. It’s just an empty classroom, what did we expect?

The thought flashes through my mind that I’m part of them, I really am, and it’s ironic that I feel more a part of this little Year 11 scenery group than I’ve ever felt with my own classmates.

“We’re finishing this today or I’ll be really annoyed about giving up an entire day,” says Michal decisively. She’s the one who arranged this whole thing for us, got us permission to use the building, arranged for Miss Berger to come along with us. Now, Miss B. is sitting in the staff room doing her own work, and we have free rein of the building. Or at least the classroom where we work on the scenery.

I settle on the floor, reach for the bottle of green paint. Have to be careful here, it’s nice to be in school in my own clothing, no uniform, but I don’t want to get paint on my cutest skirt.

“So, Ashira, tell us what to do.”

I still marvel that I’ve become the honorary painting leader of the group. But I play it cool.

“Hmm. So I’m working on those extra marketplace stalls — maybe you’ll do it along with me, Esther? Just filling in the details. Sari, wanna put shadows to the left of the houses? Devorah, you could add some birds or something to the tops of the trees and a couple flying in the sky—”

The post Home Ground: Chapter 30 first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.