Comments for Mishpacha Magazine

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by I. F. // Seeking Healthy Outlets

I. F. // Seeking Healthy Outlets — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 09:45:00 +0000

I’ve been following with interest the recent debate regarding the need for yeshivah bochurim to unwind and find healthy outlets. Being new to the yeshivish world (I was raised MO and moved to the right of my parents, and now find myself with a son who has moved even more to the right of us), I was shocked to hear anyone in 2021 defend smoking, drinking, and vaping.
While my husband and I have been thrilled with our son’s experience in his post-high school yeshivah the past one-and-a-half years, the one thing we don’t understand is why the yeshivos don’t provide kosher and healthy outlets for the boys — basketball/hockey/football games, music rooms, exercise equipment, track, swim, etc.
Our yeshivah bochurim are humans. Teenage humans. I suspect that if these boys had healthy and kosher outlets that weren’t looked down upon, a few boys wouldn’t be compelled to seek out their own unhealthy alternatives.
Just a thought.

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by Zev Landerer // Share the Wealth

Zev Landerer // Share the Wealth — Sun, 14 Nov 2021 09:45:24 +0000

Share the Wealth
Hats off to the letter-writer who wrote “Not a Bein Hazmanim Problem” in last week’s issue.
He is right on target when he says that a bochur who finds it difficult to open a sefer or wake up at a decent hour during bein hazmanim is not experiencing the natural “burnout” that results from a long zeman, but is rather indicating a lack of fire and enthusiasm to begin with.
I think a large part of the problem is that yeshivos focus almost exclusively on Gemara and do not expose the disillusioned bochurim to the wealth of Torah that can be found in other texts, e.g. “non-yeshivish” masechtos, halachah, Nach, chassidus, mussar, machshavah, etc. etc. — the list is as endless as Torah itself…
The result is that a bochur that doesn’t feel connected to what he is learning will at best reluctantly open a gemara during bein hazmanim and daydream or schmooze until he has done his hour and can go home feeling good about himself.
Let’s pull back the curtains and introduce our bochurim to alternative limudim that will help them find what speaks to them, with the hope that they will eventually come to enjoy gemara learning as well.

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by A Former Yeshiva Bachur // Not a Bein Hazmanim Problem

A Former Yeshiva Bachur // Not a Bein Hazmanim Problem — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 09:44:03 +0000

I’ve read with great interest the recent debate in these pages regarding the amount of leeway society should grant yeshivah bochurim who need to unwind during bein hazmanim. While many valid and interesting points have been made, the entire discussion is based on a false premise.
We have created this fiction that yeshivah bochurim are just so overwhelmed from all their hard work in yeshivah and thus react in a certain way during the few weeks of vacation. And we then debate which activities are okay and which are over the line. But here’s the inconvenient truth: There are no such bochurim.
Perhaps we just don’t want to admit this publicly, but every former and current yeshivah bochur knows this to be true. Or at least they should. If a yeshivah boy is waking up at 10 a.m. during bein hazmanim, it’s not because he’s burned out from waking up 6 a.m. the whole zeman. It’s precisely because he didn’t wake up 6 a.m. the whole zeman. He feels a void in his life. Another zeman has passed and he feels no sense of accomplishment. He has nothing to wake up for in the morning and therefore has trouble getting out of bed.
Why do you think those same bochurim also tend to be the ones who come up with all kinds of justification to leave the zeman early? I assure you it’s not because he just learned so much this past year and is simply about to crack if he learns a little more. It’s because he’s bored and feels empty. He needs a change of scenery. Let’s not kid ourselves here.
You want to know where you can find the bochur who learned and accomplished this past zeman? Go to your local beis medrash during bein hazmanim. You’ll find him there. You won’t find him at the ten-thirty Shacharis minyan. When a boy loves learning, and feels accomplished in his learning, he continues to learn when he leaves the walls of yeshivah and he doesn’t act up on bein hazmanim trips.
If your son is home and you don’t see him crack open a Gemara, he does not have a bein hazmanim problem. He has a zeman problem.
Girls, if you want a boy who wants to be moser nefesh to build a kollel home with a true foundation of learning, find the boy who doesn’t make excuses for why he needs a break from his work while you don’t seem to need the same break for yours. Those boys exist. Do not fall for the “soft bigotry of low expectations.”
Parents, if you’re worried about a son who’s doing nothing over bein hazmanim, don’t listen to those who reassure you that everything is okay and that this is perfectly acceptable behavior. Trust your instincts.

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by A Concerned Bachur // Not the Same Club

A Concerned Bachur // Not the Same Club — Sat, 30 Oct 2021 09:42:11 +0000

I’d like to respond to a letter writer who claimed that the bochurim who take care of their health (by avoiding smoking and drinking) are the ones doing side things, while the vaping/smoking/drinking bochurim are the ones who stay in the beis medrash until 12.
In my yeshivah, members of the “smokers’ club” and the “beis medrash club” are not the same people at all. To be precise, the people with side interests in addition to learning are the ones who feel most stressed and need to “air out.” Not only does the vaping/smoking /drinking damage their physical bodies, it creates a negative ruach that takes away from their learning and compounds their need for “airing out.”
So while bochurim definitely need to have outlets, that is in no way a defense for bochurim to vape/smoke/drink.
A concerned bochur

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by David E. Maslow, Ph.D., Jerusalem // Clear and Present Danger

David E. Maslow, Ph.D., Jerusalem // Clear and Present Danger — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 09:40:20 +0000

I am disappointed at the decision of Mishpacha to print a letter lauding smoking as “a cause for simchah.” Based on my more than 40-year involvement with cancer research, I think it is clear that smoking is more than a “potential danger” both to the smoker and to those who are exposed to second-hand smoke, including spouses and children.
One of the bedrock principles of halachah is v’nishmartem es nafshoseichem. For yeshivah bochurim to be encouraged to begin a life-long habit of smoking is shameful. The financial costs and lack of responsibility encouraged should be noted and avoided. Yeshivah rebbeim should enforce policies of no smoking and responsible drinking for the good of Klal Yisrael. The weakness of character demonstrated by a need for tobacco or alcohol is not a positive shidduch quality.
David E. Maslow, Ph.D.
Jerusalem

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by Name Withheld // Vaping Not Required

Name Withheld // Vaping Not Required — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 09:39:43 +0000

I was surprised that the only responses to the “Grateful Bochur” were from girls in shidduchim. Perhaps it would be possible to hear a response from a mechanech or rav who interacts with bochurim to gain perspective about this important issue.
And to the girls in shidduchim who are reading this exchange of letters with concern, please know that there most certainly are boys who are erlich and mentshlich and stay in the beis medrash until midnight, and take seriously their responsibilities to their families, and don’t vape or drink as an outlet in the manner described in the original letter.
To “Name Withheld,” the distinction you draw between “boys who are in school earning degrees, working, volunteering… taking care of their health” vs. the “good bochur” who “stays in beis medrash until 12 every night” and who therefore should be excused for his vaping is surprising. There are plenty of “good bochurim” who “stay in beis medrash until 12 every night” who do not vape or drink. These boys show that there is no need to vape or drink just because they’re going beyond their physical limits to hold up the world with their learning.
May we see more shidduchim throughout Klal Yisrael.

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by S. M. P. // Don't Look Down

S. M. P. // Don't Look Down — Thu, 21 Oct 2021 09:39:14 +0000

As a father of children currently learning in a well-known yeshivah, I feel compelled to add my piece to the conversation in these pages regarding bochurim’s behaviors.
First, I wanted to point out that drinking and vaping/smoking are very different. While both contain inherent health risks, alcohol and all its side effects are a serious interruption to the zeman and a normal day of learning, while smoking and vaping — albeit potentially dangerous — don’t come close to the bittul zeman that alcohol poses. I don’t believe any rebbi would condone drinking, whether during the zeman or not.
That being said, I wanted to question why no one seems to have a problem with an adult taking a cigarette or vaping after a stressful day of work or the like, yet bochurim who do are now relegated to the bottom of the barrel. The “workday” of a yeshivah bochur is like no other. From 7 in the morning till 11 at night, with small breaks here and there, they learn. Would they rather do anything else? No. Do they love every moment? Yes. But, is a bochur to be looked down upon for taking a cigarette before shiur, or vaping bein hasedorim? In my humble opinion, I don’t believe so.
Every teenager goes through their “stages.” That theirs is smoking is a cause for simchah, not refusing to marry them. We should be dancing that they’re still in the beis medrash, holding up the world, with all that’s going on outside.

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by Name Withheld // Leave Them For Us

Name Withheld // Leave Them For Us — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 09:37:47 +0000

Dear Hoping for Change,
“Most of the girls I know are in school getting degrees, working at least one job, balancing volunteer work, and attending shiurim. No, it’s not a walk in the park for them either. However, just imagine what the reaction would be if you heard that a girl you knew was smoking or drinking.”
Based on your concerns about bochurim in shidduchim, I will assure you that there are plenty of boys out there that you can consider — boys who are in school earning degrees, working at least one job, volunteering, etc. Also, boys who are taking great care of their health.
Please leave the “good bochur” who “stays in beis medrash until 12 every night” to us girls who actually value and appreciate him, and realize that we can never ever compare our own struggles and “nisyonos” to his.

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by Y. S. Far Rockaway // Don't Take Away Torah

Y. S. Far Rockaway // Don't Take Away Torah — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 09:37:25 +0000

I am writing in response to “Hoping for Change,” who wrote about not excusing bochurim for habits such as drinking and vaping. I do agree with her points about not excusing these behaviors for someone because he is a “top bochur,” that learning in the beis medrash until late at night does not make these acceptable middos, and that healthier coping skills do need to be acquired.
However, I would like to comment on the following quote from her letter, “What is the point of all the learning that was done during the zeman?” Just like learning Torah does not excuse these middos, these middos do not invalidate the Torah that is learned. It isn’t right to take credit away from someone’s accomplishments because of their shortcomings in other areas.
Are these middos something that society should continue to treat lightly? Absolutely not, but one of the beautiful things about the Torah is that it is accepted by Hashem from all Jewish people, regardless of who they are, and it isn’t fair to take that away from someone who makes certain mistakes.
I hope that we can all make smart choices for the future of ourselves and Klal Yisrael and also realize the value of Torah no matter who is learning it.

Comment on Just bein hazmanim chilling, or a bigger problem? by Maya Feder, Beitar Illit // Who's Entitled?

Maya Feder, Beitar Illit // Who's Entitled? — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 09:35:32 +0000

I am writing regarding the sentiment that I keep hearing over and over again from some readers of this magazine that yeshivah bochurim act entitled or spoiled. As a mother of a few bochurim, I am just confused about who exactly they are referring to.
My boys and all of their friends return home at the end of each zeman, drop their suitcases on the floor, roll up their sleeves, and begin helping their families get ready for Yom Tov.
They are in programs with a demanding schedule that would put most adults to shame. And whether or not they each keep to every seder everyday or end up davening in the shtiblach or in yeshivah, it is they who are walking around in black and white and who by the age of 13, bear the name and responsibility as representatives of the “olam hayeshivos” wherever they go. It is they who have the eyes of the entire country always on them.
Maybe it’s different where I live, in Israel, because here they are enlisted either in yeshivah or in the army, and each option comes with strict government rules as to what they can and cannot do, when and where and for how long they can vacation… So our boys automatically know they have a job and are a part of something greater.
During the last few years here in Israel, significant amounts of money have been invested into arranging very exciting trips for our bochurim a few times a year — because here, we believe that our bochurim are, in fact, entitled.
They are entitled and deserve our unconditional support and love, our recognition and admiration that what they are doing is not easy, and that they are valued and that the concept of a ben yeshivah is valued. They are valued for their learning of course, which is holding up the world. But also for being part of a movement that makes up the heart of our nation, our pride and joy. This value is not contingent on whether they made it to davening or seder each day. Or whether they attend a high-level yeshivah or a weak one.
So I, for one, hope that our bochurim will continue to go rappelling down cliffs up north and building our succahs, kayaking down the Yarden and cleaning out our freezers for Pesach, camping overnight alongside the Kinneret and doing our big Yom Tov shopping, surfing the sand dunes in Beer Sheva and taking their younger siblings to the zoo.
We are proud of you for just being you and we hope and pray that you feel it.
You have a long winter zeman this year and we will send you off with lots of tefillos, love, and some sweet snacks too. You have earned it.