Q

My ten-year-old daughter seems to be in a constant terrible mood. Every little thing sets her off these days, and she’ll stomp around angrily and speak aggressively to everyone around her (besides her friends, to whom she is still the delight she used to be). I guess this is normal preteen-teen behavior, but do I tolerate it? Ignore it? Call it out? My younger kids are watching, and I’m worried that they’re considering her anger and outbursts to be acceptable and normal.

A

Please forgive me if I disagree with the statement “normal preteen-teen behavior.” “Every little thing setting a little girl off” could be describing an emotionally dysregulated child.

Before we can think of “calling her out,” you need to find out if there is something else going on. I do not know if you’re living in the US or Eretz Yisrael. Either way, many things could be going on around her.

Is she hearing sirens? Does she hear the news? Is she afraid of wars? Any relatives in physical or spiritual danger? Is she having difficulty with a teacher or friend? Is she experiencing conflict or tension between her parents?

There is usually an explanation for this kind of dysregulation. You want to sit with her and lovingly try to discuss the situation. Maybe she can help you understand why she seems to be in so much pain or confusion, as expressed by her recent behavior. If you can help her get in touch with what is going on inside her, you may identify something that can be easily resolved or that requires more serious intervention.

This must be a starting point, step one, with all such cases, because there is usually a cause that we can identify for unreasonable behavior. (I am now discussing general misbehavior, not serious emotional dysregulation.) While there are definitely times when we need to “call a child out” — not in the literal sense, but as we will elucidate below — we need to understand the dynamics before doing so.

Poor behavior has become quite common in our world. So many parents are afraid to say no to their children. Too many children are growing up in a home with lack of structure. If a home is too permissive and children can do whatever they want with no concern of reprimand, then this will lead to acting out. When a child knows she will get whatever she wants by any means, we are cultivating misbehavior.

Children do what works for them. If stomping around angrily gets them what they want; if intimidating others and not listening to you because they are moody and angry works — then why should they stop?

After you have seriously explored step one and clarified that there is no outside cause and the behavior is simply an attempt to get control, then you will need to “call them out.” But that means helping them take responsibility for their behavior. The only question is how we call someone out without making things worse.

It’s time for both her parents to sit her down and let her know how much you love her and how proud you are of how she treats all her friends, or helps the neighbor, or how she was so nice to someone. Try to give a few compliments, because the chances that she will even hear them after you speak about the current behavior are minimal.

After establishing that you love her, believe in her, and even have good things to say, you also want her to know — without using the word “but,” which undoes everything you have said till now; use the word “and” — that this behavior is not acceptable.

A child needs to have a voice, She needs to be heard. We can never shut down the dialogue. Children need to know that we hear and validate their feelings, but that does not mean that we will validate their behavior. If they want to complain about something, they can only do so after saying two positive things. When their feelings are taking over and they cannot seem to get control, we need to help them negotiate those feelings and bring them back to their senses.

We will let her know that we will not respond to stomping and complaining, and that she will still have to listen to everything we say, because we are her parents. Leave no room for doubt, and you will need to follow through. Children, all children, need love, acceptance, respect, and boundaries. The first three without structure will breed entitlement and misbehavior. Structure without the love, acceptance, and respect will breed resentment.

The two most important elements in the system are balance and consistency. She will test you, probably often. She is losing her control, and that will not be easy for her. Make sure to compliment, acknowledge, and encourage. If she continues her behavior with the other children, sit her down again. Remember, she is ten years old — she cannot navigate life by herself. Children crave structure. Structure provides safety. She needs your structure to be safe and to know what is really expected of her.

Never be afraid of your child. Hashem gave you the child, and you will find the right way to deal with her. If you have really followed this advice seriously for a decent period of time (a few months), you might find that my advice does not work. There are other mechanchim and other ideas. However, never be afraid, and never give up.

If your child had allergies, you would go to a specialist; if his advice did not work, you would not give up — you would turn to another doctor. There is no way we as parents can know what to do with every child in every situation. This column is one modest attempt to give general advice that has worked for many families over the past 30 years. Ultimately, you as parents will find what works for your child and enjoy wonderful nachas.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1041)

The post “Is This Normal Preteen-Teen Behavior?” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

When the Honeymoon Is Over

Baruch Hashem, I am a married 33-year-old father of several children. I believe that I am a yerei Shamayim, I prioritize my learning... and I am also a physician. Gasp!

Twelve years ago, at age 21, my wife was looking for a working young man. (The column kept referring to “boys” and “girls,” which I believe needs to stop. If your kids are old enough to get married, they are now called “men” and “women.”) She was redt to me, and the rest is history.

I am thankful to Hashem and my parents for the high school and yeshivah they sent me to. I never got the impression from my rebbeim that working was a concession to learning. There were two options presented to me. Learning full time was one path, and being a frum, working baal habayis was another path. I believe those are the only two valid options for anyone, no matter where you fall on the spectrum of frumkeit, or what “lifestyle” you want. As the column states, a man has a chiyuv to learn every single day. Period.

The column stated that there are “two kinds of boys and girls that can sustain a life of Torah learning,” the first being “those who are infused with a love and dedication for learning.” There are many young families who fit that description, my own included. The column implies that only those fully immersed in the beis medrash day and night have a true love and dedication to learning.

I believe the frum working balabos who gets up early to learn before Shacharis and is out late at night learning after Maariv, who brings a pocket Mishnayos to learn during lunch, shows his own love and dedication for learning. And his wife is equally committed, and shows it by sending her husband off to learn while she cares for the children. Exactly like the revered kollel wife does.

The second kind of couple described in the column is “those whose families can financially support them.” When parents are blessed financially, does that automatically make the young man a talmid chacham? Are you more worthy of “the zechus of learning Torah day and night,” just because you come from wealth?

I believe that every group has a handful of yechidim who are real illuyim, really belong in the beis medrash. When those guys get married, it is understood that they will live in the beis medrash, and they will fortify Klal Yisrael from that makom. They deserve to be supported, because they are supporting Klal Yisrael.

However, they are far and few between. The vast majority of guys are not cut out for long-term learning, whether or not a parent can write a nice monthly check. Many of my full-time learning contemporaries live in a gorgeous modern dirah, their wives wear expensive clothing, push the fancy stroller, and choose between the “various types of sushi” mentioned in the column. I, along with Rabbi Greenwald, bemoan the fact that many of today’s kollel couples live fancier lifestyles devoid of the mesirus nefesh that once separated the men from the boys.

Is such a couple more “worthy” to be living that life? Are the boy’s Gemara skills any better than mine? Is her commitment to tzniyus and raising a home founded on Torah any stronger than that of my wife?

The young woman whose mother wrote to Rabbi Greenwald wants “the comforts” of a husband who will support her. Since when does a husband who provides parnassah get equated with “comforts”? I personally bring in parnassah, but by no means do I provide “comforts” to my family at this early stage of my career. I am bli ayin hara able to pay my bills, and while I don’t take that for granted, my bank account currently does cover any “comforts.”

When husbands (and wives, for that matter) go out into the working world to provide for their families by paying the utility bills, the mortgage, the grocery bills, why is that frowned upon? My wife and I received years of support through medical school, and as our children were born. That in itself was a tremendous luxury. Our parents were financially able to help us toward our goal — to have a frum bayis, rooted in Torah values, learning, chesed, all the good stuff... and the ability to be financially self-sufficient.

The column suggests that learning full time is the ideal, and anything else falls short, whether that’s “only” learning for a year or two, or working. The Rambam was a physician! He was mechaber sifrei halachah, and he had a job. He didn’t have a rich father-in-law paying his bills. Do we consider him any less?

To the parents of this “girl” (remember, she is a woman!): When you ask, “Who is paying the rent and heat and electric?” you are on the money, pun intended! I’d like to add some more expenses to this list: Groceries! Clothing! Day care! Tuition! You have every right to be concerned, and I commend you and your daughter for wanting to be financially responsible. Just because your daughter doesn’t want to be a kollel wife does not detract one iota from her avodas Hashem. She has her head on straight, and knows that life costs money, and would rather her husband pay the bills than swipe Tatty’s credit card.

A true ben Torah has the ability to be mekadesh Sheim Shamayim in the workplace. From my own personal experience, everyone is respectful of frum hanhagos. “Oh, he doesn’t eat with us during lunch,” “he doesn’t shake hands,” “he’s friendly and appropriate, but never uses vulgar language,” “he says a prayer when he walks out of the bathroom.” These are all comments that I’ve personally heard from non-Jewish co-workers. Working men (and women) have the zechus and chiyuv to be mekadesh Sheim Shamayim wherever they are.

Why is there this stigma that working guys have unfiltered smartphones? My smartphone is filtered. I take offense to the assumption that a “working guy” is a modern, unaffiliated boor who isn’t machshiv Torah. I am living, breathing, proof that this is false, and I’m not a yachid. Most of my friends and neighbors are out in the late hours of the night, shteiging hard.

The Gemara in Chagigah 5a describes how Hashem cries daily over the people who should be learning Torah, but don’t, as well as for the people who shouldn’t be learning Torah, but learn nonetheless. While it is admirable for someone to lead “the kollel lifestyle” for two, five, or ten years, those doing so should not adopt a holier-than-thou attitude toward those who are working.

One line in the column says this young woman wants a “ben Torah… which means he will learn every day, who will respect talmidei chachamim, who has a rebbi, and follows halachah... but who will be working.” The word “but” should be replaced with “and.” “But” implies that it’s a chiddush for a ben Torah to be in the workplace. The sefer Ben Torah for Life by Rav Aaron Lopiansky, featured in these very pages, explicitly states that a young man entering the working world is fulfilling ratzon Hashem by providing for his family.

I agree with Rabbi Greenwald that it is incumbent upon all young men and women starting to date to do an honest self-assessment about what they want.Of course a young couple must be on the same page, or they will be miserable. Additionally, it is incumbent upon every shadchan, parent, and rebbi to be open about life’s financial responsibilities, and to do a better job at clarifying that while learning short term is a beautiful way to begin a marriage, there needs to be a financial plan when the honeymoon is over.

A Young, Frum, Working Balabos

Q

Who Is Refined?

I am a fan of Rabbi Greenwald and I look forward to reading, dissecting, and discussing his articles at my Shabbos table. We have been privileged to host his seminary students in the past, and it’s clear he’s a real expert on educating young women.

However, I was taken aback — and personally insulted — by the following statement in his last column: “It is difficult to find a young man today who is working who has managed to remain refined and a yerei Shamayim.”

Apart from this being stated as fact, when it clearly isn’t, I would like to know by what criteria Rabbi Greenwald decides who is “refined” and who is not. And how does he judge a yerei Shamayim? By the cleanliness of his fingernails or how many sedorim he keeps? Are only long-term learners yirei Shamayim?

All my sons earned semichah from some of the most eminent rabbanim in the world. All chose not to sit in kollel; they married quickly, and chose careers that enabled them to provide for their growing families. They all learn either b’chavrusa or in a shiur —or both! — in addition to working long hours to bring home paychecks.

In addition, they are all baalei tzedakah and baalei gemilas chasadim. They daven three times a day, they keep to the highest standards of kashrus in food and behavior, both in and out of the home. They are respectable. They are refined.

Their wives and children show them the utmost love and respect, as do others in their communities. When we visit, we are constantly approached by local rabbanim who tell us how wonderful they are and how much they contribute... not just financially, but also by setting a good example.

We are in the middle of a shidduch crisis, with no end in sight. Rabbi Greenwald’s point of view, as I understand it, is that choosing a working boy is setting up a tzadeikes for a life of “unfiltered smart phones” and disappointment. (How does Rabbi Greenwald know definitively that only working boys have unfiltered smartphones? He should take a bus from Bnei Brak to Jerusalem some time and see what bochurim are watching “shtil a’heit.”)

Surely it’s better for a girl to follow her heart and wishes, and if she wants a non-kollel lifestyle, to search out a husband who suits her? If not, this attitude is certainly not helping solve the shidduch crisis!

Look around. We can all name incredible professionals, businessmen, and electricians (like one of my sons), who live exemplary frum lives, who raise their children l’kavod Torah, and whose generosity helps support kollel families. Stereotypes that constantly demean and belittle working men are actively discouraging achdus and respect for every Jew. The message I received is: You’re not worthy if you’re not in kollel.

I still don’t understand why a working man is not refined. But I can tell you this: I couldn’t be prouder of my hard-working sons who constantly give back to Klal Yisrael.

A Proud Father of Working Sons

A

Dear Readers and Responders,

Your criticism, your questions, and even your angst are a brachah. They give me a chance to rethink, reword, and clarify some points that were not clear enough.

Yes, the “ideal” is to learn Torah day and night, always. The mitzvah of “v’hagisa bo yomam va’lailah [you shall toil in Torah day and night]” is not a new idea. It is not a fanatical goal. It is the dream of every Yid who knows why we are here in this world and what we can take to the next world.

Saying that with the full force of emes does not mean that it is accessible to every person all the time. Let’s think about this ideal with real honesty.

It is also ideal to never speak a word of even avak lashon hara, to respect our parents as we respect Hashem, to never hurt, insult, or disrespect any human being. It is ideal to know all of hilchos Shabbos in the finest detail, to say 100 brachos every day with kavanah, and to never allow a stray thought to intrude during davening or a bad thought all day. It is ideal to wear tallis and tefillin all day long and to love every Yid as you love yourself. It is ideal to never get angry and to do every mitzvah with simchah and a full heart.

Anyone who can do any of the above will clearly be living the ideal life. And considering that learning Torah is greater than all the mitzvos, Rav Moshe Feinstein, Rav Chaim Kanievsky, Rav Ovadiah Yosef, and many others lived the “ideal” in the fullest sense of the word. We are not all living the ideal, and it would be foolish to think everyone can reach that level.

When Yehoshua said to Moshe Rabbeinu, “My master Moshe, destroy them” (because Eldad and Meidad were prophesying although they were not among the 70 elders), how does Moshe Rabbeinu respond? “U’mi yitein” — literally, “who will give,” or “If only all of Klal Yisrael could be neviim.” It is the same “Mi yitein” that HaKadosh Baruch Hu said at Sinai — “If only their hearts were with them thus, to fear Me and to keep all of the mitzvos always.”

That is ideal. But Hashem and Moshe Rabbeinu bemoaned the fact that the world in its present state does not meet the ideal. The mefarshim explain that only after Mashiach will the ideal be realized, and it is to that end that Hashem and Moshe were referring.

So, from the time of the Golden Calf in the desert until today, and now: Wanting a working husband is not a concession, and working is not a bedieved but a responsibility that every husband signs off on when he gives his wife the kesubah. Not everyone can live the ideal. Someone who truly wants that will require an enormous dedication of heart, soul, and body.

Here I want to clarify an important point. I made it very clear that I was not speaking about living the “kollel lifestyle” when I was describing that dedication. My words were:

Limud Torah is not a “lifestyle”; it is a commitment of love and dedication, surrender and value. When a lifestyle gets uncomfortable, we tend to make changes. When a commitment gets challenging, we work harder to refresh, renew, and get chizuk. [emphasis added]

This is true whether the learning happens in a full-time kollel setting or in kevias itim, set times of learning that are prioritized above all else. I was not questioning the real learning that takes place in shuls and batei medrash the world over by serious, dedicated balabatim, pillars of our communities and supporters of Torah.

These letters from A Young, Frum, Working Balabos and A Proud Father are heartwarming proof that Rav Shach’s vision — working men who know that life without Torah is not real life — is coming to fruition. That does not mean that such young men are easy to find. As a principal of a seminary, I can tell you that when a girl is looking for a man who will be working immediately after the wedding, who has left yeshivah even at the age of 19 or 20, with the expectation that he will still be holding on to real learning and remaining a ben Torah and a yerei Shamayim — such a young man is very hard to find.

A boy who finishes high school and a year later is in college and then the workplace — I will state this with conviction, from personal experience — he will invariably not be a yerei Shamayim or ben Torah. The occasional exceptions to this do not refute my statement.

This is where the conversation about “lifestyle” begins. I spoke about the challenges facing the average young man who starts adult life without the grounding of a few extra years of learning after high school and a year or two after his wedding. In such case, even if his learning is only a lifestyle choice, he benefits from every year in a protected learning environment. Yes, these young people are living the “kollel lifestyle,” with unlimited access to their father’s credit card; but would their lives be so much more productive if they were not in yeshivah, under the same conditions? I’m not sure.

Where the “lifestyle” choice goes wrong is when it becomes so comfortable and easy that the couple loses sight of responsibility. When the young man’s learning is not in fact serious, when the parents cannot afford to support but do so anyway due to social and peer pressures of the lifestyle, we face difficulty.

The mention of unfiltered smartphones was not intended to cast aspersions on working people who do not actually have them, but rather to raise a question as to why a young man leaving yeshivah almost automatically gets one. The question is only stronger when a young physician tells us that he has a flip phone.

Once again, let’s be honest. The “working world” is far from ideal. Suffice with taking a quick look through the advertisements in any weekly to see the superficiality and endless search for luxury and comfort in the frum world.

In summary, with great respect to every Yid who grasps that learning Torah is the single most essential, nonnegotiable element in our lives: The kollel system allows many young men to continue in a learning venue with sincerity and commitment for an amount of time that is usually necessary for building a solid foundation in life.

There are bookkeepers, accountants, CPAs, and actuaries, all wonderful people who can never be judged for their investment or achievement. But anyone who says that everyone should be an actuary is a fool. When a girl is looking for her husband, she needs to clarify for herself where she stands on this spectrum of goals and commitment, and then find the partner with whom she can build a Torah life.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1015)

The post Earner or Learner? first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

My daughter is 20 and in shidduchim — please daven for us! She really wants a fine boy who is a yerei Shamayim and prioritizes learning; but more than anything, she wants to be the kind of mother who stays home with her children until they’re old enough to go to school.

To me, that means working boy — if she’s at home, and he’s in kollel, who is paying the rent and heat and electric? But when I discuss it with close friends and family, I am being strongly advised to say that she’s looking for a “short-term learner,” because the boys in shidduchim who are working won’t be good matches for her.

That feels to me like lying, and my daughter’s not comfortable misrepresenting herself either. What should we do?

A

In all honesty, I was worried that this question would present itself. I was hoping to avoid addressing it, but I am hearing it with such frequency and urgency that I have no choice but to enter the lion’s den.

There are few elements involved in answering your query, and we will try to cover them all. Let’s dissect your question.

1. She really wants “A, B, and C”— a fine boy, who is a yerei Shamayim, and who prioritizes learning— three very worthy attributes.
2. “But,” you continue, “more than anything, she wants to be the kind of mother who is home with her children.” This adds a fourth factor, “D,” to the equation.
3. Now we have a conflict. Item D, her husband having a fully supporting parnassah, trumps all three items, A, B, and C, in statement 1.
4. Friends and family are advising you to play around with words, because this is just a game.
5. But you feel like that would be lying, and your daughter is not comfortable saying that her husband having that kind of parnassah is not the most important thing to her, when really it is.

We are dealing with confusion, delusion, and collusion.

The post What to Tell the Shadchan When My Daughter Wants a Working Boy? first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Our oldest son (28) and his American-Israeli wife live in Israel. They come to America once a year for Pesach, and spending time with him, his wife, and their adorable children is a real highlight of our year.

We also have two teenage sons in a local yeshivah living at home and two adult daughters living outside the home in the Tristate area, for work and shidduchim purposes.

Trying to fit all the kids in our home comfortably for Yom Tov has become quite a challenge. Our five-bedroom normally feels quite spacious, but come Pesach, it feels small and claustrophobic. My two adult daughters (26 and 30) each insist on sleeping in their childhood bedrooms. Of the remaining three bedrooms, one is our master bedroom, one is shared by my two teenage boys, and the last one serves as a guest room.

For the past few years, my married son and his wife stayed in the guest room, together with their two children. This past year, they were blessed with a third child, baruch Hashem, and now they are asking if they can have two rooms, so the kids can sleep separately.

I hear them, I really do. They get off that international flight looking like zombies. It takes almost a full week for them to recover, and having to all sleep together in one room doesn’t help their jet lag at all.

On the other hand, the only way I can accommodate their request is to ask my two adult daughters to share a room. I’m loath to request that of them, and honestly, I’m pretty sure they would flat out say no. They both really value their personal space, and I am sensitive to the fact that their unmarried status does not make them any less deserving of adult privileges.

One of my daughters would likely agree to have the children sleep in her room with her, but when I broached that idea with my son, he made very clear that his wife would not feel comfortable with that.

All things being equal, I do think it makes more sense to have my daughters double up to allow for my young marrieds to have a sense of normalcy. Although it would be uncomfortable for my daughters, I think being sleep-deprived for four weeks straight would be far more detrimental for the young family.

Is it my place as the mother to insist on what seems to me to be the fairest arrangement? Or should I allow my adult daughters to do what is comfortable for them?

A: Many years ago, I had a wonderful student who wrote in her application, “I come from a home that taught us if you never had to give up your room for guests, you had a deprived childhood.” This was borne out in every interaction this young woman had with others.

Your problem is what we call “a rich man’s tzuris.” You have, kein ayin hara:

1. a number of children
2. one of whom has found his zivug and has children of his own, and
3. they want to come home for Yom Tov.

Our Torah teaches us that a man leaves the house of his father and mother to join his wife in creating a new entity, a new family. This new entity is not an integral part of the nuclear family the husband grew up in. Notwithstanding the beautiful maxim, “We didn’t lose a son, we gained a daughter” (which definitely describes how we feel about our wonderful additions), they do not live in your home any longer. “Their rooms” are no longer their rooms; the other children still living at home now occupy those rooms and have first claim on them.

Of course, the memories and the emotional sense of belonging still exist, but these do not create “rights.” Had you moved to a new house in the interim, there would be no rights. In a sense, this is what happened:

He moved out to a new house, and his “rights” have been transferred. So he no longer has those rights.

If we teach our children from a young age that family is included in the very special mitzvah of hachnassas orchim, welcoming guests, then there is a chance they will appreciate the opportunities that come up and be willing to give up their rooms. If this is not a part of their culture growing up — or even if it is — as they get older, it will become more and more difficult. The most challenging aspect is the expectation that someone coming to “my” house needs me to leave my space for his or her comfort. If I offer to give up my room, then that is a generous offer; more difficult is that feeling that someone else is entitled to my personal space.

When we give children their own rooms, we should discuss with them the fact that we want to continue hosting guests and other family members on a regular basis and make that a part of the agreement. If we do not give them the impression that having visitors is more important than accommodating them, it will be easier for them to comply when the situation arises.

Your home is open to all your children, and that is a beautiful attitude, if your other children feel they are taking part in your blessings. You need to understand your children’s side by discussing the issue with them, taking extra care to do so with the sensitivity required under the delicate circumstances you describe.

A single daughter who is older than her married brother still deserves her space as the older sibling. You write that one daughter would likely agree to have her nieces and nephews sleep in her room, but would probably say no to pairing up with her sister. It seems like you might be making assumptions without including them in the dialogue.

If your daughter would indeed rather have the children sleep in her room (a very generous offer) than share a room with her sister, is it fair to be more sensitive to her sister-in-law, who might not feel so comfortable? Is that discomfort comparable to a single girl moving out of her room? My mother always says, “If there’s room in the heart, there’s room in the house.” Your situation requires room in a few people’s hearts.

Obviously, every family dynamic is unique; children are different, as are their spouses. Some people are more flexible, others find it difficult. You made it clear that your daughters both really value their personal space. You need to sit down with them and put the problem on the table for having a discussion. You can lay down the ground rules: You would like your son and his family to be able to stay comfortably in your home.

Someone will have to be flexible. Do you do have the “right” to force your solution, because it is your house? The answer is yes, just as the kid who owns the ball can make the rules. However, finding a compromise would be a much better idea for the long run.

Your daughters will im yirtzeh Hashem find shidduchim in the near future, but the “problem” will continue when they return with their new spouses. Which room belongs to whom? Who comes first? If there is no dialogue, no flexibility on anyone’s part, then at some point, you will need to limit visits, stagger visits, or find other solutions. The best time to seek cooperation may be now.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1005)

The post “Who Gets Guest Room Priority for Pesach?” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

Baruch Hashem, my life is extremely busy. It feels like there a million balls to juggle at any given minute, and I would say 80 percent of the time, I can keep my head above water. My husband works full-time-plus, I work more than 30 hours a week, we have a large family kein ayin hara, it’s a never-ending cycle of laundry and carpool and Shabbos-Yom Tov-simchah prep — normal frum life.

This year, my daughter has been mentioning that she really wants to go to the camp her friends are attending. It’s a traveling camp for three weeks, and really, it looks amazing. It also costs a fortune. We could probably swing it, if I add some more work at night and cut back on the already minimal cleaning help we have. But should I push myself to do something I’ll resent, and my daughter will will resent it if I don’t?

A

You and the women like you are the foundation of the world. Seemingly just mothers and wives, but in reality superheroes. You are role models of Torah, avodah, and gemilas chasadim. Relentlessly, with indomitable spirit, you go from task to task, all the while smiling. Your daughter is young and feeling a bit entitled (a subject we’ve dealt with previously in this column). It would be nice if she were looking at you and learning that life does not just hand you things, and that hard work, determination, and dedication enable you to provide for yourself and others.

It does not make sense for you to put yourself out and work beyond your means for your daughter’s pleasure. This is not a trip for her future, her ruchniyus, or her health. Living within our means is part of the responsibility we have in raising a family. Children who see parents living beyond their means do not learn crucial lessons for life. We need to live b’simchah with what we have — and that means completely b’simchah. The message underlying that cannot be, “We are sad that we cannot do certain things”; rather, it must be, “We are grateful and thankful for what we can do.”

You have to take charge of the dialogue. After you research the program and get comfortable with the trip, she needs to see that you are truly interested in her going. Tell her you would love for her to go, but you and your husband are working hard to provide for the family’s needs. Offer to go 50-50 on the camp expenses with her. That way you can help her halfway toward what she wants, while teaching her to take responsibility for the other half.

She has to know that on your end of the bargain, you will be adding hours to your work schedule; and she should know the fact that she will be paying for the other half is worthy of respect. This is true even if you have to help her be creative in determining how she will raise the money for her half. Maybe she can ask her grandparents to help. But it is important that some component of her effort include making some money. She will appreciate her summer so much more once she has taken some responsibility.

You cannot be afraid of her reaction. You are the parents, and you have to control the narrative. The conversation has to be clear — loving but factual. She needs to understand that this is the only way you can make it work. If she gets emotional, you must keep your equanimity; you may not feel guilty, because you are not doing anything wrong. You are helping your daughter get what she wants in a healthy and proper way. You want her to be able to attend the camp, but you do not want to be irresponsible, and you do not want to enable her entitlement.

Instead, empower her and allow her to find her strength and be successful. You will be giving her a gift for life.

Q

When our oldest son bought his house, we were still paying tuition for several of our children, and supporting two of our newly married couples. They asked us for help, but unfortunately, we just didn’t have the money. Now it’s more than ten years later, and baruch Hashem, our financial situation has eased up quite a bit, although we aren’t wealthy. When our younger couples are ready to buy, we will have the money to help. Should we be gifting our older children randomly to make things fair?

A

Your dedication to your children is magnificent. The late Satmar Rebbe was reported to have said the biggest present-day miracle is how people marry off their children with such limited resources. No doubt part of that miracle is the help Klal Yisrael provides for those in need. Another part is the Hashgachah pratis that comes with every chasunah. Somehow we end up paying for the wedding costs and the many expenses of setting up the couple. In every country and every community, there are different protocols, but each shidduch comes about in some miraculous way.

Your older children had their weddings and made their decisions. They bought homes at a time you could not help them, and now they are managing. Your next children have new hashgachah, under which you are able to help them. If you are parents who feel that this new financial freedom obligates you to set your children up, then the younger children are your first priority. If you can now gift your older children without compromising your responsibilities for the younger children, then you are most certainly allowed to do so. You should let the older ones know how proud you are of them that they managed on their own.

You do not “owe” them that money, because in reality you do not “owe” your children the gift of setting them up. You do not have to make things “fair.” If you have the means, and you feel they will greatly appreciate it, then explain to them that you could not help them at the time but you would like to take the opportunity to lighten their burden, now that you can. It would be a kind and generous gesture.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 999)

The post “Camp Looks Amazing. Also Costs a Fortune” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

IF my husband were a kid today, he’d probably be diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, and who knows what else. He’s not, though, and when he was a kid, my in-laws, who had a very large family of rambunctious little ones, just considered him a boy who would never succeed in school and pretty much left him to his own devices.

Now I’m seeing some worrisome behavior in my four-year-old son, and I am desperate to get him evaluated, but my husband refuses. He thinks our son is just like him, and he turned out “fine” without the labels, so our son will as well, and that’s the end of the discussion.

My husband’s idiosyncrasies impact my life in many ways, every day. It’s really hard. And as my son’s mother, I’m terrified of what the future holds — for him, and for his future family. What do I do?

A

Your question is painful because while your husband means well, he is unaware of two very important elements.

1. Because your husband “survived,” and all of the false prophesies that he would never succeed did not materialize, he thinks he’s fine. He is unaware of the difficulties that his challenges present to those close to him. If in fact he has ASD (autism spectrum disorder), he likely has problems with both social relations and communication, making it difficult for him to understand how his disorder affects his personal relationships.
2. Our educational world has also developed and evolved to an unrecognizable state since he was a child. Our schools have become more focused on compliance, regulations, and classifications. Who fits in where, and how? The classroom is a social paradigm as much as an academic construct. Our community has become more aware of learning disabilities, disorders, and emotional challenges. This has brought about the creation of learning centers, resource rooms, and even programs and schools for special education.

Your husband survived in a different school system, a much-less-regulated atmosphere. Even if he was only ADHD, the culture of medicating students has changed drastically over the past 20 years. There is more awareness, and educators have developed progressive responses to children with challenges.

Your son is going to school in this new world of identification and intervention. If you are not on top of your son’s development, the indicators will trigger red flags, and he will likely not survive in school without collateral damage. Of course, the consequences of not taking care of him will extend far beyond just school.

Shlomo Hamelech says in Mishlei 16:2, “All the ways of a man are pure in his eyes.” Rabbeinu Yonah explains this to mean that we all think our inborn tendencies are “normal,” which makes it very difficult to make changes in our middos and character. We do not necessarily perceive our shortcomings as wonderful, but at least as within the range of normal.

At this point, your husband might not be aware of how education has changed, but if he is intelligent and capable of recognizing that his son lives in a different world than the one he grew up in, it is time to share this information with him. If you are concerned that he will not respond favorably, I suggest that you speak with someone reliable in your son’s school. If you give the hanhalah a heads-up before your son’s behaviors become overly troublesome, the school can demand intervention at an early stage, and you will have a partner.

A few words about making a determination. As a mother, you need to trust your gut that there is a real issue; however, it is imperative that you not diagnose your son based on your very reliable mother’s sense. According to the CDC, almost 10 percent of all children in the US are being medicated — over six million children. While medication is often very effective, there is no question that it is too often seen as the easiest way out.

It is essential that the evaluation be very professional. In the United States today, any psychiatrist, pediatrician, primary care physician, neurologist, psychologist, nurse practitioner, licensed mental health counselor (LMHC), licensed professional counselor (LPC), licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), or licensed social worker (LSWs) is allowed to diagnose ADD and ADHD.

It is your job as a parent to not rely on just any professional who is authorized to diagnose ADD, but to find a child psychiatrist or child neurologist with extensive experience in this particular area of mental health development who can make the determination. I hope some professionals will forgive me, but I would not rely on a social worker or even a pediatrician.

The doctor needs to determine if it is best for your child to be medicated, and if so, to try medications and follow the outcomes until the right drug and dosage are found. Many children react adversely to one medication but very well to another. Getting the medication and dosage right is a serious undertaking.

If you are concerned about ASD, the determination is even more difficult. Again, today, according to the NIMH, one out of 36 children in the US is diagnosed with ASD. Because the autism spectrum has been broadened, the “benefits” of caring for people on the spectrum have been broadened as well. You must choose a neurologist or psychiatrist who is an expert in determining if a child is on the spectrum. We have become too quick to diagnose mental illness, and we must not be afraid of finding the truth, but at the same time, we must not be trigger-happy in making these determinations.

You are a good mother. Do not compromise on getting your child the correct help, while making sure that your husband feels respected and a part of the process as much as possible.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 997)

The post My Husband Is Denying Our Son’s ADHD Symptoms first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

MY daughter came back from seminary quite a few a months ago, and she’s not really interested in starting dating. She has always been very close with her friends, and she has one friend in particular who also announced that she’s not dating “for a while.” The two of them have lots of grand plans to travel, chill, and basically push off real life for a little bit. My daughter has a part-time office job, as does her friend, and they’re spending their considerable free time just having fun.

I’m happy she’s happy, and I don’t want to pressure her. Dating is stressful, and if she’s not feeling the stress, I’m glad. However, at what point do I stop smiling and nodding and tell my (legally adult) daughter that she needs to settle down and prepare for the next stage in life?

Y

our question has three aspects that need to be addressed: 1) your daughter, upon returning from seminary, is not interested in dating; 2) she has a friend whom you are not happy with, due to her values or lack thereof; and 3) your daughter seems interested only in having fun, but not in taking responsibility for her life.

In your story, all three seem intertwined. But it is important to treat these three issues as independent concerns.

WE

need to ask a few questions regarding your first concern: Should every girl at age 18 should feel pressured to get married? Is every girl that age ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage? How many girls actually get married in the first year after seminary? Lastly, did someone who only got married four years later lose out?

There is a lot of talk about the “shidduch crisis.” This seems to be a major reason for the pressure to get married as early as possible. I am not convinced that the solution lies in earlier marriages. A few years ago, in the pages of this respectable publication, ideas were set forward to “solve” the problem. A popular opinion held that boys should also begin dating at an earlier age, to close the gap.

I wondered then, as I do now, how much consideration that notion gave to young couples, shalom bayis, and divorce. In Eretz Yisrael, the crisis is significantly smaller. Girls do not begin dating until after at least two years of seminary, effectively closing the age gap between boys and girls when they start dating. It is commonplace to find boys marrying girls who are older, with no problem. And it is almost as common to find kallahs who are taller than their young chassans.

The “rush” for the boys coming out of the freezer and the “fresh crop” just coming out of seminary is unhealthy and completely contradicts what we teach our children about Hashgachah pratis and zivugim coming from Hashem. While many girls feel confident and comfortable moving on to this stage in life, there are many who feel they have no choice, and even when they know they have things they need to deal with before marriage, they are afraid of missing the boat.

On the other hand, the unhealthy pressure causes many young women to run from fear of crisis and rejection. The fact is that more than 80% of seminary graduates do not get married in the first year. Perhaps we should be open to a girl who feels she needs time to process her seminary year, work on things she discovered about herself, and possibly even advance in her abilities to help her husband learn, if that is her goal. The women of our generation are heroes. Many take upon themselves the extraordinary obligations of being a wife, mother, and breadwinner. If another year will allow a girl to prepare for those commitments, it might even be wise to grant it to her.

T

he second concern, regarding her friend who you feel is a bad influence, is a fascinating study in the dynamics of friendships. I once came to my rebbi, Rav Wolbe z”l, with what looked like a cut-and-dried situation: A high-school-aged boy, recently frum, in my yeshivah dormitory, from a very troubled background. The other, a cheder boy from a very solid home. The mother of the latter complained bitterly that the former boy was contaminating her son with unclean ideas and very impure conversations.

I was sure the instructions would be to remove the “troubled” boy from the dormitory. My rebbi looked at me with his wise eyes and said, “With friends, you never know who is who in the picture. Look into this very carefully.”

After a short but painful discussion with the presumed culprit, it became very clear that the “choshuve” boy was milking his friend for every bit of information he could squeeze out of him, and that the other boy was literally tortured every night to “share.”

The friends your daughter chooses in seminary and beyond are the girls with whom she shares interests. You can encourage, suggest, and discuss your position, but the chances that you will change her mind about her friends is miniscule.

It is fascinating to observe how girls aged 16-19 are actually convinced their friends are their most important allies and soulmates. As parents, we have seen how our real friendships, with the friends who help us become better people, last the longest. However, so many BFFs (best friends forever) our daughters needed to spend so much time with will disappear as life goes on. It takes a mature and introspective young woman to recognize that her only genuine allies, who will be there for her their whole lives, are her parents.

L

astly, she seems to be interested in fun and uninteresting in taking responsibility. This is by far the most serious of our concerns. Western civilization has made “fun” combined with “comfort” the goal of life. Even though many have raised their children with more than a little of this approach, we as Yidden most certainly have a different outlook.

I have always found it fascinating that there is no word in Lashon Hakodesh for “fun” (keif is Arabic). Fun is enjoyment without responsibility. It is not relaxation, or a break, both of which are necessary for almost everyone. Living in a society that provides constant myriad ways to access distraction, recreation, and entertainment does not help us in this battle.

In spite of all this, perhaps we should be careful before we judge our daughters. Maturity means taking responsibility for oneself. Besides the fact that even in our world, many have cultivated this culture, there are some girls who are afraid of the next stage. The obligations, as we mentioned, will be many, and girls who are less mature are not yet ready to take such responsibilities.

This may be what is holding them back, and it is important to speak about this openly and without pressure: helping them to understand what is expected and what is not, how we can help them, and how they can prepare realistically for the next stage. Seminary hopefully provided a big step in that direction, but for some, the associations with the next stage are still daunting.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 991)

The post Ask Rabbi Greenwald: Issue 991 first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q #1:

I have three teenaged boys, and because of their yeshivah schedule, they’re not really in a position to be at home to help with household tasks. During an off Shabbos or bein hazmanim, though, they’re around the house, and I’m disappointed and concerned with their attitudes. I always try to model respectful speech and a calm demeanor, but when I ask for help with simple tasks (cleaning up the dishes and wrappers from the food they brought to their rooms, pitching in with their laundry, taking out an overflowing garbage bag upon which they’ve precariously stacked ten items, etc.), it’s just not getting done. I don’t want to nag, and I don’t want our relationship to be reduced to instructions, but I’m worried that they’re about to turn into young adults without adult life skills.

Q #2:

We were never wealthy, but my husband’s field was badly affected by the economy, and things are tighter than ever right now. We’re struggling to pay bills on time, I’ve had to reduce therapy for two of my children who need it badly, and we’re basically surviving by paying our credit card minimums. My teenage daughter is taking it hard. She wants all the things her friends have, and when we explain the situation in an age-appropriate way, she’s resentful. When I was her age, I did any number of things to earn a little extra money to pay for the things I wanted, but she has absolutely no interest — none of her friends do. I feel bad for her. I know that with this generation, a lot of the “wants” might really be “needs” if everyone around them has them, but even if I had the extra money, I would be paying off credit cards and saving for her wedding, not buying her the boots she wants. How do I explain this to her in a way she’ll accept?

A:

Both your questions touch on one of the biggest challenges our generation faces. While you are describing different aspects of the challenge, both of these questions are rooted in the same conundrum: “entitlement.”

We as parents are not to blame for a social epidemic. That does not mean we cannot do anything about it. Entitlement is the undoing of a society, as a society can only exist through voluntary cooperation. “Olam chesed yibaneh” (Tehillim 89) is not just a description of Hashem’s intent in the creation of the world. It describes the glue that holds the world together. Without each person’s contribution to the pool of kindness, volunteering and taking responsibility, the world’s population becomes a collection of corrupt, egocentric, immature, irresponsible individuals each vying for their own self-gratification.

Britannica Dictionary defines entitlement as “the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something.” Of course, there are things that a person may be legitimately entitled to. Nevertheless, when a young person grows up with a greater sense of entitlement than of responsibility, we will sense it in almost everything he says and does.

There are no excuses for the behaviors you described; such is today’s world. Nevertheless, it is better to identify the root of the problem and work to resolve it with focused intelligence than it is to complain and criticize. You will not be nagging — but you will need to be consistent.

All of the important principles we try to inculcate in our children when they are young can still be applied when they reach the teenage years — even if they are already somewhat entitled.

Children need to hear the word no. It is often easier to give in than to stay firm. The shortest answer I ever gave in a Q&A session was my reply to the question, “How can I teach my child that no means no?” I responded, “By not saying yes ten minutes later.”

When we cave in, we teach them that no means yes after ten minutes of kvetching. A child who gets everything he asks, begs, or cries for will begin to believe he deserves to get everything he wants. It is often easier to give in than to hold out. It is an investment of time, patience, and endurance. But is the first and most important value for a child to know: that the world does not always say yes.

We need to give children responsibilities at home, and we need to hold them accountable for their schoolwork. As parents, we often find it easier to do a chore ourselves than to demand our children do it, wait for them to do it, repeat this numerous times, and then check the outcome. It is easier to speak with a teacher than to prepare our child to face the consequences of irresponsibility. Of course, we will advocate for our child when necessary. However, we should not over-advocate, smooth things over, and make excuses for their misbehavior.

The second aspect of responsibility is accountability. That means following up and making sure that our children learn to face the consequences when they lack responsibility. You made a mess; clean it up. You were involved in a fight; make peace. You broke a neighbor’s window; go speak to them about how we can fix it.

We can coach them, encourage them, and advise them, without taking over and doing it for them. When a child realizes he has to take responsibility, he is learning that he plays a part in making this world a better place. When everything is taken care of for him, he simply learns that no matter what happens, all will be fine.

Allowance, spending money, and credit cards offer ways of teaching financial responsibility. There need to be expenditure limits; we must present them with ways to learn budgeting and setting parameters on spending. Young people should not be given credit cards that can be used indiscriminately. A debit card with renewable monthly limits is a better idea. She can use it up to the limit. If she needs more, you can add to it, if you agree with her decision to spend additional funds. If she uses less in a given month, she will have more to spend the next month, which teaches the value of saving money.

Your daughter has no choice but to hear the truth: This is within our means, and this is beyond. We are not allowed to live beyond our means, as that will bring terrible consequences. If you want something we cannot afford, here are some of the things you can do to get them.

How many times do we make the phone call for our children? How many times do we let stay up at night, when we know the consequences for the next morning? How many times do we clean their room, do their laundry, and wash their dishes? We can go on and on, but at some point, we need to realize that all of these actions enable entitlement.

If they are already feeling entitled, it is important to explain why you cannot continue to encourage that behavior. They are old enough to hear what happens in life to people who have no independence and expect the world to provide for them. Empower them, encourage them, and show them that they are perfectly capable of doing things themselves.

One last but very important element. Let them do things and make mistakes, let them learn that it is valuable to contribute even if the outcome is not perfect. The more they do it, the better they will get at it. Give them your time, and you will save so much more time as they get older.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 987)

The post Ask Rabbi Greenwald: Issue 987 first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q:

My 16-year-old daughter has always been the type to worry. It’s not anxiety, per se, but while her siblings and peers seem to be able to process difficult information and move on, it’s not so easy with her. Most of the time she’s totally fine, but with Covid, for example, I noticed that if she was around people who were extra tense and speaking about it nonstop, she would also tense up, worry, ask me questions, and share her concerns about what she heard, even days or weeks later.

Now, with the horrible matzav in Eretz Yisrael, she’s reacting the same way. I don’t want to say she’s too worried about the war — it’s an extremely worrisome topic — but she’s not sleeping well, she’s having a hard time focusing on schoolwork or friends, and it seems to be the only thing she can talk about. I want her to be nosei b’ol, but how do I make sure she is resilient also?

A:

Your question is one that many of us are dealing with, on many different levels and with many variations. I will try to answer from a chinuch standpoint with therapeutic sensitivity, but not as a therapist, as I am not one.

Firstly, regarding your daughter: It is imperative that you and she both understand that anxiety is normal, worrying is normal. Different people have different dispositions. You have noticed that among your children there are a variety of tendencies and different levels of sensitivities. As parents, we must listen to, understand, guide, and encourage our children through the circumstances that arise in life, each child according to his or her personality and character. Some children will require more attention, others more discussion, and still others more independence.

As parents, we have one opportunity that is greater than all the others we’ve just mentioned: We can “empower” our children. Empowering our children means enabling them manage difficulty, accomplish things on their own, and build resilience.

Fear is an instinct that Hashem put in our system as tool for self-preservation. People who have no fear are often in unnecessary danger. When a child is afraid, we need to validate his feelings. Help him understand why we experience fear and discuss with him the details of his fear. Ask him questions like: What would help you feel less afraid? Did you ever feel afraid before? What happened? What would you like to do about this situation? What can we do about this situation?

Tense, worried? These instincts notify us to prepare for difficulties and challenges. All of our instincts are real and natural. It is also very common that these feelings will arise when one is in a stressful or unfamiliar situation. When my body goes tense, it is part of the warning system. When I get worried, it is often a sign that danger could be near.

Sometimes there are very important actions to take: run, hide, be careful. Sometimes it is a reminder that we need to daven. In all cases, we need to see what is before us and figure out what we should be doing.

It is when our imagination takes these natural protective senses to places that are not necessarily realistic that we get stuck and lose our ability to prepare realistically. We want to help our children identify the realistic action we need to take as opposed to being frozen in the fear or worry.

By asking your daughter open-ended questions that she needs to process, we make her a part of the solution. When we ask the question without giving the answer, we are helping her figure out where she stands and what is happening to her.

No judgment, no negativity — just listening, encouraging, and understanding. All this is the standard answer.

A few words about nosei b’ol, sharing in the pain and joy of others. We must make sure to share information that is age- and personality-appropriate. To share, one needs to be able to own that pain, and we must be careful what we are asking our children to own. That which comes their way and they know because they need to know is more than enough to share, and often, they need help carrying even that.

We need to do everything we can to make sure that they are not exposed to the impossible amount of tragedy with the details that are being circulated. The social media of today is more dangerous to our children than ever. War is brutal, the pain and suffering are not to be shared beyond what they experience.

Everything we have said till now is the first part of the answer — how we deal with fear, worry, and tension on a daily basis with children of all ages.

But we are Yidden, the children of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. There is another message, an all-important one that we must share with our children. We have other tools and techniques, the means we have from our mesorah of almost 4,000 years.

We are indeed in a difficult time. Jews are threatened not only in Eretz Yisrael, but everywhere else as well; from Australia to Canada, from South Africa to Paris, and from New York to London. We will need to bring our children to understand that our ultimate power, hope, and confidence lies not in fighting the war, but in Hashem and His love for His children, our people.

It is a time to add to the tools we spoke about before — emunah, bitachon, achdus, and chesed. When we are in an eis tzarah, when Klal Yisrael is in pain and difficulty, we need to learn Torah and we need to daven, as a real and true response. It is our most powerful tool, guaranteed to work. We see how Jews are coming together in so many ways, all of which are beautiful. Everything that we do in our hishtadlus, in Eretz Yisrael, and all over the world, can only be successful if it comes alongside tefillah.

We will fight wars, take political action, seek economic solutions, and attempt international relations as parts of hishtadlus. But in the end, we the Jewish People will survive with our spirit. Our continued existence is contingent on our relationship with Hashem.

In times like this, when no one knows where things are headed, no one knows if, when, or where the challenges will come, when the world is on fire, we need to boost our children’s resilience by sharing our history, our strength, our emunah, bitachon, and confidence that Hashem knows what is right for us and that we are in His hands. These are messages of Jewish strength and resilience, and we must make sure that we own them enough ourselves to share them with our children.

May we see the Geulah with the coming of Mashiach very quickly.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 983.

The post “How Do I Help My Daughter Be Resilient?” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Our daughter is married to a fine ben Torah, baruch Hashem, and for the past five years, he has been learning very well in kollel. Much as we want to, we cannot provide sufficient support, and my daughter works many hours a day to keep her family afloat.

Recently, my son-in-law announced that he is leaving kollel to go to work. He is doing so solely out of his sincere interest in our daughter’s happiness and well-being — he wants her to be able to spend more time at home with the children. This makes our daughter feel incredibly guilty; she feels like her husband is making the wrong choice and that it is her fault. She has turned to us for support, hoping we can talk our son-in-law out of it. The problem is, we secretly agree with our son-in-law — we believe he is making the right decision. How can we show our daughter support while inwardly siding with her husband?

Ashreichem, Yisrael! What a beautiful question, and what a splendid display of Klal Yisrael’s deep and powerful desire to fulfill Hashem’s will in this world.

Your daughter wants to continue supporting her husband in his learning, in spite of the hardships. Your son-in-law wants to go to work to lighten the burden for his wife. And you are torn because you want to do the right thing, and it is confusing.

The essential question is a personal one. The zechus of the mitzvah of limud Torah is, of course, talmud Torah k’neged kulam. But let’s take a step back to try to understand the context we’re operating in. First, we’ll look at how your daughter likely views the question.

I have a friend who is a Knessiah Gedolah expert. He related to me that at one of the early meetings in Europe, the Imrei Emes solicited his contemporaries’ opinions as to which single individual had most influenced the Torah world over the previous century. Several names were offered, but the Imrei Emes carried the day with his answer: Sarah Schenirer. If not for her introducing Jewish girls to the Torah world, all would have been lost.

Something my rebbi, Rav Wolbe ztz”l, shared with us gives an idea what the historical stakes were. He said that many think the reason the “alter Mirrers” did not get married until age 50 or 60 was their diligence and commitment to Torah learning. But in those days, the reality was that there were just very few girls willing to marry talmidei chachamim.

Today, baruch Hashem, the vast majority of frum Bais Yaakov girls recognize the zechus of helping to support their husbands’ Torah learning on whatever level and for however long they can. Your daughter seems to fall into this category.

Now let’s consider the question from the viewpoint of your son-in-law. The gedolim of last generation took a very nontraditional and even radical step by making kollel an option for everyone. At a meeting in Rav Shach’s home in the early 90s, he told us that the Ponevezher Rav arrived at this decision — overriding the opinion of Rav Shmuel Rozovsky, who thought kollel should be reserved only for elite young men who would grow into leaders. The Ponevezher Rav’s reasoning was that after the terrible churban in Europe, we needed to rebuild the Torah world before we could rebuild general frum society. This opinion was echoed by the other gedolim of that era, and so the world of kollelim came to be.

In our generation, the Torah world is thriving. However, we face a surrounding world that is increasingly antithetical to Torah life. In this context, young people who leave the beis medrash before having immersed themselves fully in learning for many years are having a very hard time continuing their commitment, much less their spiritual growth. As a result, Torah leaders in our day support continued learning for anyone who wants to stay in kollel after he gets married. Hence, each year we are faced with hundreds of couples dealing with questions similar to that of your daughter and her husband.

Every couple has to find a suitable balance between the man’s responsibility to support his wife, as clearly stated in the kesubah, and their desire to continue upholding the ultimate mitzvah and beauty of learning Torah. They need to consider how changes will affect their relationships, their children, and the atmosphere of their home. For some, it is simply scary to leave the comfort of the familiar; others are motivated by a real desire to just keep learning Torah.

Your daughter and her husband are adults in every way. When she turns to you for help, it is because she is hoping you will take “her side.” But before you even give thought to “your side” of the picture, you need to consider if it is your place to get involved and take a side. You might suggest that she ask her husband to go with her to his rebbi, and maybe a discussion with him will help them figure things out.

If your son-in-law did not approach you about this issue, you should not raise it with him. We would not want him to feel judged or looked down upon for his decision. He might feel slighted that his wife is asking for your help, which could cause unnecessary discomfort.

One thing is absolutely clear: A husband and wife must understand each other and work together. There may be times when the husband feels that his focus in learning is not strong enough to justify his wife’s willingness to sacrifice. Not everyone is capable of learning for years on end without experiencing either burnout or a need to branch out into other activities. Still others may want to provide for themselves and their families in ways they cannot while they are learning.

All of these options are reasonable, and each spouse needs to sense where the other is holding. If a woman wants her husband to continue but he feels he cannot, it can become a difficult situation if her disappointment creates unhealthy pressure. If a man wants to continue learning but his wife is stressed, it is obviously necessary to work things out. When two healthy, intelligent people are both content with the situation, it takes someone with very broad shoulders to interfere with that aspiration.

Even when we are asked for our opinion as parents, we should make sure we offer it with sensitivity. Certainly, if the children have not asked and have  been married for five years, the only input we should offer is to encourage an open, honest dialogue between the couple, and perhaps involvement of a mutually respected third party to help navigate this very complex and important decision.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 979)

The post We Agree with Our Son-in-Law, Not Our Daughter first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.