Question

I have a young teenager who is super social and studious. The issue is that she studies and schmoozes on the phone all evening and doesn’t get to bed before one a.m. Every. Single. Night. No matter how many times I talk to her about it during the day, nothing changes. I remind her early on that tonight she needs to be in bed by 11:30, but she won’t listen. I end up nagging her or yelling at her almost every night. I don’t know how I can get it to change.

Answer

You have a couple of choices here. The first one is the easiest. Let her stay up till one a.m. You might choose this one if, after carefully collecting evidence, you find that her late nights aren’t causing her any harm. If she’s “super social and studious,” she may be thriving despite her few hours of sleep. Is she maintaining her grades? Is she able to wake up by herself in the morning and be at school on time every day? How is her behavior in the home? Does she have enough energy left to keep her room clean, be pleasant to her parents and siblings, help out when asked to? How is her health? Is her immune system up and running or is it compromised now, knocking her out with chronic headaches, strep throats, or colds?

If your evidence shows that she is crabby, dysfunctional, or unhealthy, unfortunately you won’t be able to choose this first option. But if she’s doing well in life, then letting her stay up has several advantages. One of the most important is that it reduces friction between you and her. Her future well-being will be nurtured far more by experiencing a warm, close mother-daughter relationship in her teen years than by keeping to a more conservative bedtime.

A second benefit of letting her determine her own bedtime is that adolescence is a time when kids benefit from being able to make decisions and evaluate outcomes. She can acquire experience in making mistakes now, long before she’s married when the cost of making errors increases significantly.

However, if your daughter is showing signs of sleep deprivation in any of the ways discussed above, you will have to step in. You say she’s a “young teenager,” and by this I am assuming that she is under 16 years old. This is important to clarify because kids around 17 cannot be parented the way 13- and 14-yearolds can be. So, assuming she’s in the younger category, you can “lay down the law” regarding bedtime.

I see you’ve been trying to do that without success. This is because your technique is faulty. Lecturing and nagging can ruin your parent-child relationship while virtually never managing to create positive behavioral change. Therefore, these techniques should never be used. Instead, “Say little and do much,” which in this case means, quietly and briefly state a consequence for going to bed past 11:30 p.m. and when necessary, apply it using as few words as you can possibly say, and say them very quietly.

For example, the next time you see she is up and about past 11:30, tell her calmly and very quietly that from now on, when she’s not in bed by 11:30, such and such consequence will occur. The consequence can be any annoying penalty that will help motivate her to get into bed on time (e.g., you will not be driving her wherever she needs for the next 48 hours or she will lose allowance dollars, or she will lose some opportunity/privilege/item that she values). The main thing is that you need to pick a consequence that you think will really bother her. Make sure you have enough consequences handy, because the first week of your new program, she will want to know if you are “for real” — trustworthy to carry through.

When you have to apply a consequence, say something like: “It’s past eleven thirty. I’m not driving you anywhere for the next two days.” Only when she sees that you’re serious is there a chance that she will start to go to bed earlier. If the consequences you are using aren’t changing her behavior, choose better ones (for example, increase 48-hour punishments to 72 hours and so on).

Never apply a consequence unless you have first warned her that, “From now on, when you’re not in bed by eleven thirty, such and such consequence will occur.” If you’re consistent and unwavering in this approach, your daughter will get to bed on time.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 925)

The post “Bedtime Battles with My Teenager” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

A

ddiction refers to a compulsive coping mechanism that can both help and harm us. Addictions (think: sugar, coffee, pain relievers, shopping, eating, following the news, drinking alcoholic beverages, etc.) help by lifting mood and lowering pain. A quick snack, for example, can provide a hit of dopamine, a boost of energy, and a pleasant distraction from stress. Similarly, a few minutes of scrolling for online deals can harness our focusing and joyful chemicals and gives us a break from tedious tasks.

Frequently — even obsessively — utilizing a substance or engaging in a behavior that makes us feel good does not, in itself, constitute an addiction. Other criteria have to be met in order for normal foods, beverages, drugs, and activities to become addictions. Here are some of the things that need to happen to transform an ordinary, if obsessive activity, into an actual addiction:

Whatever it is that you’re consuming or doing, over time you find yourself consuming or doing it more and more.

You’d like to cut back or stop altogether and you might for a while, but you find yourself starting to consume or do it again. You can’t seem to cut it out of your life.

The reason you want to cut back or stop is because you’re experiencing negative consequences from this activity. Nonetheless, you continue consuming or doing it, even though you’re aware that it’s causing you harm in some way.

If you push through everything and manage to stop consuming or doing the addictive substance or behavior, you suffer uncomfortable “withdrawal” symptoms like high anxiety, low mood, irritability, cravings, and bodily discomfort.

In Real Time

Let’s look at how spending time on one’s phone can be either a normal activity or an addiction. When using it is a normal activity, your behavior looks something like this:

You use the phone for a limited amount of time for business and personal needs after the kids have gone to bed.

You use it sometimes during the day when you need it for business or shopping or to communicate with family or friends, but not when family members are around.

Here’s how your phone becomes an addictive substance:

At first, you only use it when the kids have gone to bed.

Eventually, you use it in the morning, afternoon, evening, and in bed at night.

Your spouse is complaining that, “You’re always on your phone” and not emotionally available.

Seeing the fallout, you try to cut down, but then find you just can’t.

Seeing that partial measures aren’t working for you, you resolve to give up the device altogether. However, giving it up makes you feel anxious, depressed, empty, and irritable.

Here’s one more example of a normal behavior gone wrong:

Rochel has two jobs: She’s a Jewish homemaker and a freelance editor. Both jobs are demanding and stress her out. Rochel likes to read novels from time to time to relax and unwind. Lately, however, her reading activity has become obsessive. She’s always thinking about when she can take a reading break, and in fact, she ends up taking more of them than she should.

Eventually, she notices that she’s reading when she should be making dinner and that she’s often making excuses about why dinner isn’t ready for her hungry crew. Rochel also finds that she’s lying to her husband about her activities. She doesn’t pick up the phone when she’s reading, so he thinks she’s busy working. She happily plays along with this notion.

Rochel recognizes that she’s spending too much time thinking about what she’ll read next, shopping for new books and reading them, and she vows to stop. But she doesn’t.

Anyone can fall into an addictive relationship with a substance or activity because everyone seeks to stabilize their minute-to-minute mood throughout each day. Intentionally creating a lifestyle that naturally manages mood helps prevent the development of addictive behavior. Doing this involves learning how to ride the waves of emotion (sometimes with the help of therapy), including healthy stress management strategies in one’s daily schedule, exercising, eating and sleeping properly, strengthening spiritual practices, developing supportive relationships, and engaging in meaningful and satisfying activities.

The payoff is feeling good without having to pay the price of feeling bad in order to get there.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 924)

The post Normal Addictions first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

I’m one of four children. None of us live in the same city as my parents, but we all live fairly close to each other (three of us live within walking distance of one another). I’ve never been very close with either of my parents. They’re very social people, and I’ve always been a more quiet, serious type of “bookworm.” Nothing terrible happened between us, but I always felt that my parents favored my siblings, all of whom are louder, more social, and more “fun” than I am.

Fast forward a couple of decades and oddly enough, my feelings of exclusion and rejection by my parents are actually getting worse. I think it’s because when I was living at home, my parents could sort of cover up their feelings better, everyone was together physically, and I could at least blend in. Now, my parents have to fly to visit us and their grandchildren and they also have to decide where they’re going to stay. It’s extremely obvious now how much they prefer all of their other children over me because they have stayed with me for exactly one weekend in ten years while they have regular repeat visits at the homes of my siblings.

When I invite them to stay at my home they always give some reason why it makes more sense for them to be anywhere but with us. My own kids are now old enough to be asking questions. They know that they’re the least loved grandchildren! I feel humiliated and hurt by their open rejection. Their behavior is so obvious that my siblings joke about it when my parents aren’t in town! I know I can’t make my parents love me more but would it be wrong to confront them about their behavior and the impact it’s having on my kids?

A

You’ve described a fairly common problem, although people don’t talk about it much. It’s hard for adults to complain that their parents are showing favoritism to their siblings because it sounds so “babyish!” And yet, the child in us never really gets over the pain that favoritism causes. In fact, parents do like some of their kids more than others because people like some people more than others. It’s the way Hashem made us, and by itself it’s not a problem, providing that we treat all people in the same kind way that Hashem asks of us.

The mitzvah to love our neighbors (strangers) as ourselves asks us to be as sensitive to the feelings of others as we would want them to be of our own. It’s not how much we like someone — how much we have in common with them and how much fun we can have with them — as much as how well we treat them. Your parents should have worked harder to find ways to be closer to you as you were growing up in their home and they should work harder now to be sensitive to your feelings as well. And this effort needs to be made for all their grandchildren as well, since each one has feelings and can easily be hurt by being marginalized within the family.

Although we don’t have the right to tell our parents which mitzvos they need to improve in, we do have the obligation to protect our children to whatever extent we can. Therefore, you can help your children forge bonds with their grandparents without them realizing that they are making the effort rather than the other way around.

Have your kids make cards, telephone calls, and visits to see their grandparents when they are in town. Teach them how to bring gifts, offer help, and otherwise “win” their grandparents’ love and affection. Only if this fails to move the dial would you directly approach your parents to let them know how much your kids love them and how much they’ve been asking to spend time with them.

If even that fails, you can then tell your parents directly that the children are hurting because the cousins are seeing much more of them.

As for yourself, you can follow a similar protocol if you still feel you’d like more closeness with your parents, though you may find that if the children get what they need, this will suffice to reduce the pain you’re feeling.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 923)

The post “I’m My Parents’ Least-Loved Child” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

Many times I get overwhelmed. I can organize my life, but when I get hit by emotional things or a lot is going on, I will drop everything and all I feel is “I can’t.” At that point my coping tool is to shut down and go into doing-nothing mode. I suddenly feel like I can’t do homework or keep to my schedule. Do you have strategies on how to cope with overwhelming situations like when my shidduchim aren’t going well or someone hurts me? Bad feelings tend to sit inside of me for weeks. Eventually I process my feelings and then I’m able to access the logical part of my brain like I can do when I’m in a therapy session. But this is so hard and many times I just want someone to tell me how to proceed.

A

You said it very well: Your coping tool is to shut down when you feel overwhelming emotions. It is actually a pretty commonly employed strategy, although people do vary in how deeply and how long they shut down. For instance, some people just need minutes or hours to “regroup” after going through a difficult experience. Others can take to their beds and stay there for days or weeks — or even longer. If someone is in deep emotional pain that immobilizes them and lasts for more than two weeks, they might actually be experiencing an episode of clinical depression. If this is happening, it’s best to access professional care.

Although you sometimes suffer with bad feelings for weeks at a time, I see that you already have a therapist. That’s great! However, I’m wondering if your therapist has been working with you on developing skills needed to independently and quickly shorten the period of suffering you endure after disappointments, setbacks, and hurts. Each therapist has their unique offerings — it’s possible that you’ve gained a lot from working with this person but have hit a wall at this part of the journey. Sometimes a new therapist has something different to offer that can help a client continue the journey forward.

You evidently do know how to process your emotions — it’s just that you tend to go through a lengthy period of hibernation before you are able to start the work. And the work is hard, so you understandably crave the shortcut of just having someone give you direction. That’s not pathological on your part — it’s totally normal. You seem to realize that despite this wish for an easier way, you need to get to the bottom of your emotions and learn what you can from them. That’s a really good thing. So it seems to me that you may just need to learn some skills that will help you avoid the long restorative shutdown.

Let’s look at one self-help technique that simultaneously eliminates the need for crawling into a hole, processes the emotions to their deepest roots, and opens both intuition and cognition to powerfully resolve and problem-solve issues. You might already have heard of this tool: Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).

There are many resources for learning this powerful tool such as specially trained therapists, courses, and books. But the strategy is so simple, we can get you started right now with just a few simple steps.

When something is bothering you, rate how much it bothers you between one and ten (ten being a lot!).

Describe the problem and the pain it causes, as you use your fingers to tap certain points on your body: top of the head, under the eyebrows near the nose, outer corner of the eyes, under the eyes on the eye bone, under the nose, under the lips, under the collarbones, and a couple of inches under the arms. For example, while tapping you might say something like, “What she said was so insulting! She really hurt my feelings. I can’t forgive her. I never want to see her again...” etc. This pained part of you needs to speak her truth in a completely uncensored way. Let her express all the hurt, pain, and anguish that is in your heart.

After completing the under the arm tapping point, take a deep slow breath in and blow it out slowly and completely. Then check to see what you’re thinking and feeling and give it a number between one and ten. Repeat steps two and three until all the pain is gone, you feel calm and settled, you understand yourself, and you have clarity on the situation and what it means for you. The whole exercise will normally take a few minutes for a complete resolution, thus saving you days and weeks of unnecessary numbness.

This pared-down version of EFT can get you started but you’ll obtain best results by learning the full and proper version of this amazing technique from a reliable source.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 922)

The post “Are There Strategies to Combat Overwhelm?” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

W

e’re duped right from the beginning of the parenting journey. At that point, our child is so very tiny and helpless, so dependent on us for survival, we get the impression right then and there that we’re responsible for that little person’s life and well-being forever. Although it’s true at that point, and for some years afterward, even then, right at the very beginning, it’s not all up to us.

We participate, but Hashem holds the veto power, and channels and filters our participation according to His own plans. We know this because, despite our best care, “things happen” to our babies. Despite everything we do to create security, abundance, health, enrichment, and every other form of input and opportunity, Hashem can take a child down a completely different road. It was an illusion, based on the look of things right there at the beginning, that we’re actually “in charge of” our child’s journey, and in charge of it for a lifetime.

“My thirty-five-year-old divorced son lives with us now,” says one mother. “He’s been very depressed since the breakup. He blames my husband and me for the whole mess, telling us it’s because we never bought them the house they needed, and we made his wife miserable. We weren’t warm enough to her, didn’t do enough for her and so on. The truth is that we still had so many kids living at home when he got married. I was busy with everyone and I didn’t have the time or money to do what he needed. But I feel that he’s right. Things could have been different if we had been able to help them out more. I feel so guilty when I see how much pain he’s in.”

Really? You’re responsible for your adult son’s bad marriage? Adults are on their own journey with Hashem. They make their own choices in their “choose your own ending” novels. Sure they make mistakes (so do we), but this is all part of the fun. Nobody is living our life for us, and we’re not living anyone else’s life for them! Simple as this sounds in theory, however, it can be extremely difficult to put in practice.

“My thirty-four-year-old daughter is refusing to date. She says she’s had enough! I keep pointing out that she needs to date if she wants to get married and have kids, but she just doesn’t listen. I’ve asked my sister to sit her down and talk to her, but my sister says she doesn’t want to ruin the nice relationship she has with her niece. She hates conflict. Doesn’t she owe it to my daughter to set her straight?” says another woman.

No one is saying you’re wrong for wanting what you want for your daughter. It’s just that your daughter is a full-grown adult who already knows your opinions and can’t be browbeaten into accepting them. It’s her life and you can’t live it for her.

And another mother says, “My son keeps getting into terrible financial troubles. Right now he needs a couple hundred thousand dollars to get out of his latest fiasco and he tells me that if I don’t get it for him, he’s going to be ruined. I could give him the money we’ve saved for retirement, but I know that he’ll just need more again and we’ll be cleaned out. But I’ve got to help him! What choice do I really have?”

When adult children are in trouble or when they’re vulnerable due to mental illness, disabilities, or personality challenges, parents are particularly prone to continue to feel that they are responsible for their well-being. This puts unbearable pressure on parents for no reason: Parents can’t carry their adult children no matter how much they try to do so.

Adults of all kinds are still adults, responsible for their own journeys in their own way. Parents can continue to love and support them emotionally, financially, physically, and in whatever they want to, while understanding that none of that support is sustaining these adults. It is enhancing their day or quality of life and is a gift. But only the “children” can hold themselves up and move themselves forward.

Parents can offer love but they cannot keep their child alive, make their child function well, or make their child choose wisely. In fact, they never could. Like I said, it was an illusion from the beginning.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 921)

The post The Burden first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

I’m a 59-year-old woman. I got married at age 20. From the beginning, my marriage has been difficult. My husband, Moshe, had (and still has) a lot of “issues.” Especially when he was younger, Moshe was messy, critical, bossy, and had a bad temper. (He’s mellowed a bit now that he’s older and since we can afford cleaning help, his messy habits matter less.) For most of our marriage, he went to bed at two or three a.m. nightly and slept in late in the mornings, ignoring all of his obligations. He didn’t care how I felt about this. He did whatever he wanted to do.

As a younger father he was impatient and short-tempered; none of our eight children ever became close to him. He’s quieter now, but can still be sarcastic or unpleasant to the kids when they visit. I always tried my best to compensate, showering the children with affection and praise and making sure they had everything they needed.

Moshe never succeeded in making a living, relying instead on my income (I worked full-time as a bookkeeper) and also some support from my family. Unfortunately, he had no problem spending money and often put us into really bad financial situations. All in all, I have to say that I felt disappointed and resentful in the marriage. My siblings all have good marriages to wonderful people and raised beautiful children, whereas I had so many challenges. I tried my best, but I’m sure that my true feelings often leaked through in the way I spoke to my husband even in front of the kids, and this is something I constantly struggled with and felt guilty for while raising a family.

Here is my current issue. My youngest son is 22 years old and showing signs of being like his father. He has trouble getting up in the morning and trouble functioning in general. I don’t want him to get married anytime soon, as I don’t want him to inflict unhappiness on some innocent girl. I’ve learned the hard way — with my 37-year-old son who is now divorced — that today’s young women don’t have the patience or commitment or the willingness to put up with poor behavior in their husbands like the women in my age group have.

I also have a 34-year-old daughter who is single and who seems to be rejecting all prospects with any flimsy excuse. I don’t think she wants to get married. Although five of my kids are doing well, I feel responsible for the difficulties that these three are suffering. Our home was far from ideal, and I know this has affected them. The guilt is overwhelming. But what was I supposed to do? I felt that divorce would have been worse for them as they would have had to be away from me for a lot of the time and they would have been alone with a man who obviously wasn’t going to be able to take good care of them. I felt the best thing I could do was to hold the family together. But I see that some of them have been seriously harmed, and even though the others “look” okay, maybe they also struggle privately. How do I live with all this guilt?

A

Guilt is an appropriate feeling when we’ve done something wrong. It’s a voice of conscience, coming from the higher self, that reminds us that we can and should do better. I believe that the feeling you’re calling guilt is probably something else. After all, you didn’t do anything wrong. You were the best mother you could be and the best wife you could be under the difficult circumstances. Anyone might discover — after the chuppah — that the person they married isn’t really up to the task of being a proper spouse and parent. There are no guarantees when it comes to marriage. Everything is up to Hashem.

Hashem gave you a serious challenge and you rose to the occasion. You had difficult choices to make, but I believe you made the correct one: You felt that many more of your children may have been damaged had you chosen to go the route of divorce. Clearly, it was Hashem’s Will that your children experience developmental challenges in order to ultimately achieve their particular life missions. The combination of their total environment, their personal experiences, genes, and free will, all coalesce to bring about the unique personalities that your children are today.

Naturally, it pains you to see some of them suffering and self-sabotaging. The feeling you have is not guilt, but rather grief. You’re very sad that this is what is happening. You wish it were different.

Perhaps you can take comfort in knowing that your love will always nurture your children on their journey and that Hashem will be with them every step of the way. Don’t blame yourself or your husband; understand that we don’t understand and that our obligation is only to continue doing the best we can do.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 920)

The post “How Do I Live with Crushing Guilt?” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

IN

the “olden days” parents punished their kids when they did something wrong. It was a simple calculation made by generations of parents: If you punish the child for inappropriate actions, he’ll realize he’s not supposed to do those actions again.

Enter the modern era. A lot of new thinking rolled out about parenting. Here are just a few of the modern precepts:

• A good parent-child relationship is the key to healthy development.
• Love, acceptance, respect, empathy, and compassion are sufficient tools for raising healthy children.
• Children can be taught appropriate behavior through teaching them to problem-solve.
• Parental understanding, validation, and acceptance of feelings is the key strategy for helping children to be emotionally and behaviorally regulated.
• When boundaries are required, empathy, explanation, and logical consequences are the strategies of choice.
• Positive feedback is an important tool for education and self-esteem.
• Punishment is generally harmful for children and at times abusive.

These psychology-based concepts have helped parents do a kinder form of parenting. Today’s children have stronger-than-ever attachments to their parents and a more positive sense of self. And less respect for authority. And less tolerance for discomfort. And a greater need for immediate gratification.

Something good has happened as a result of this parenting, but something has also gone wrong. It seems that a steady diet of intense love isn’t quite enough.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not one to blame parents for the way their kids turn out. Parents are only part of the developmental picture. A child’s free will matters a great deal, as does his genetic characteristics, his birth order, his family dynamics, his academic and social experiences, his history of trauma and difficulties, his peer group, his religious experience, his surrounding culture, his neighborhood and community, and many other factors.

However, parenting is a contributing factor that parents need to consider as they want their role to be as positive and helpful as it can be. Therefore, I’d make a few modifications to the “modern parenting propositions” described above.

• A good parent-child relationship is one of the key elements that fosters healthy development.
• Love, acceptance, respect, empathy, and compassion are important tools for raising healthy children.
• Problem-solving is a valuable tool to teach children.
• Parental understanding, validation, and acceptance of feelings are valuable tools that may help children become emotionally and behaviorally regulated.
• When boundaries are required, empathy, explanation, and appropriate consequences are the strategies of choice.
• Positive feedback is an important tool for education and self-esteem.
• When paired with warm, loving, and consistent parenting, punishment has been found, in research spanning the years 1966 to 2024, to produce the healthiest developmental outcomes.

The changes in the list are small, but the ramifications are big. We see now that every tool has the potential to help, but is insufficient on its own. The last bullet concerning punishment has, however, been completely overhauled. Research shows that giving punishment is a very important part of parenting. When carried out without anger in the context of strong, positive parent-child bonds, punishment is helpful, not harmful.

Most behavioral education can be accomplished using good-feeling parenting interventions. Punishment must be employed only when all other good-feeling techniques have failed. It’s mainly to prompt a child to stop doing the wrong thing or start doing a desired behavior. “If you don’t stop hitting your brother you will have to leave the room right now,” or “If you don’t put your toys away, I’m not taking you to the park.”

Punishment can be logical or illogical — the main criteria is that it motivates a child to cooperate and deters inappropriate behavior in the future.

By itself, punishment is an ineffective tool. But when accompanied by teaching interventions, it can speed up learning and break unhealthy habits.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 919)

The post Old-Fashioned Parenting first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

While many people in my field choose to freelance, I’ve always known that I didn’t want to do that. I’m not a hustler, and I prefer a steady stream of work and a steady paycheck. So I was thrilled to land a job working with a small local firm with a niche specialty that really appealed to me, a great team, and excellent growth opportunities.

Everything seemed perfect, until I realized what a difficult person my boss was. I don’t just mean that she’s demanding; I really wonder if maybe she’s unwell. She’s exacting and can blow up if a project isn’t executed exactly the way she wants it. But despite her strong, sometimes overbearing personality, she also seems incredibly insecure. Although I think that the team does really great work and has a lot to be proud of — the boss seems to feel the need to prove our worth to anyone who will listen. Unfortunately, the way she does so is by blasting the competition. There have been quite a few times when she’s mocked or denigrated our competition when meeting with a client — leaving everyone very uncomfortable. Another sign of her insecurity is that she’s extremely worried that we staffers are conspiring to steal her business or her clients — to the extent that she’ll grill someone after a friendly phone call with a client, demanding to know every detail of what was said and reminding us frequently about our noncompete agreements. I have literally no interest in ever starting a business (which is why I’m working for her!), but she’s accused me of trying to do so, and even asked other coworkers about me when I’m not around. Her moods and tirades have negatively affected the entire office environment.

It’s such a shame, because this firm has so much potential. I have no personal investment in this company anymore; I was just offered another job and am going to give notice here. I’m not the only one — two of my coworkers also plan to leave. (I shudder to think what this will do for her paranoia). And really, much as she’s made my life so difficult this past year, I feel worse for her. She really is a powerhouse and an incredibly talented strategist, but she might lose it all through her paranoia and lack of confidence. Is there any way I can convince her to go for help? Or does she need to realize on her own that she has a problem?

A

When we work with — or live with — intensely disturbed people, we, along with all those who share the working or living environment, suffer. We see how the disturbed person creates chaos. We see how she treads on the feelings of others. We experience the discomfort, anxiety, and rage that her actions provoke. It’s clear to us that her drama, besides being unacceptable, is irrational, destructive, and completely unnecessary.

We want it to stop. We want her to get the help she so obviously and badly needs. We’re sorely tempted to point her in the right direction.

But let’s think this through a little. What would we say? “Um, excuse me? Um... I was just thinking that, you know, a lot of people have complaints about the way you behave... and I was just thinking that this could, you know, change for the good if you would, um, get some help and I happen to have the name of a really good psychiatrist... would you like it?” Or maybe, “Hey. You seem really angry and anxious a lot of the time. Have you ever considered getting help for that?”

As you can see, it’s awkward and difficult to inspire others to get help for their emotional and behavioral problems. And since we’re all a little “off,” we can all imagine how we might feel if someone came up to us and told us that we could be happier and more successful if only we’d get some good professional help. In fact, spouses often try to help their partners with this friendly advice and — well, you can guess how that usually turns out.

And then there’s the old joke: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it has to want to change itself.

The truth is that people have to recognize their own misery in order to be motivated to spend the time, money, and effort on ameliorating it. Like addicts who haven’t yet hit rock bottom, we struggling humans remain in denial — minimizing, blaming others, rationalizing, projecting — to allow ourselves to continue doing what we’re doing.

Eventually, after many serious blows and devastating losses, we may see that what we’re doing isn’t working so well. At that point, we may ask someone for the number to call for some good professional help.

In short, no, don’t help your boss find help for a problem she doesn’t know she has. When she discovers she has a problem, she’ll find the help herself.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 918)

The post “Tell My Ex-Boss to Go for Help?” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

I need some help with the unhealthy (and unsatisfying) relationship I have with my daughter. My daughter is a wonderful, caring 20-year-old. However, her form of connecting and communicating with me has been primarily by asking for things. This has been going on since about eighth or ninth grade. She asks for things to the point where I feel like every time she sees my face she’s thinking, “What else can I request from Mom today?”

I’ve tried to approach her with positivity and humor, with ignoring and with gentleness in my attempts to handle this. I hoped that over time it would get better. At this point, there is no relationship other than what I can give her. She doesn’t share much about her life and basically seems to be dorming in my home. It’s constantly about whether I can buy her this and that, and allow her to go wherever she wants at all times — taking her, bringing her, arranging for her, and so on. I understand that there are different kinds of Love Languages. But this just doesn’t feel like any kind of love at all. Is there something I can do to change the dynamic?

A

All good adult relationships are two-way streets, including those between parents and their adult children. The relationship you have with your daughter feels “transactional” rather than interpersonal. She asks for things and you’re supposed to deliver. Rather than seeing you as a person with whom she could be enjoying a true relationship, she sees you as a provider, a means to an end.

You say that this has been going on for many years, since she was a young teen. I’m guessing that, like many parents, you expected that your daughter would, as she grew older, just naturally realize that you were a person rather than a dispenser. Unfortunately, you’ve seen that this isn’t always the case.

In fact, it’s possible that you yourself accidentally encouraged this one-way dynamic in the relationship. This can happen when a parent lovingly gives. And gives. And gives and gives, asking nothing in return. Did you perhaps do that? This sort of parental behavior is appropriate only between parents and tiny children. By the time a child goes to school, he’s ready to make a card or gift for Mommy’s birthday or bring his father a glass of water for his cough and so on.

Parents need to invoke their own and their spouse’s human vulnerability, helping children to see that they are real people with real feelings. (“Mommy is very tired. Why don’t you tell her that you’ll read the kids’ bedtime stories tonight? I know she’d really appreciate that.”)

Reciprocity needs to be taught and reinforced, with increasing expectations as the children grow older. By the time they’re teens, they’re hopefully peeling potatoes with you on Erev Shabbos while you’re both chatting about your real interests and concerns. Of course, as the parent, you aren’t asking your adolescent youngster for advice. But you can certainly be sharing something you experienced or learned that was interesting, funny, inspiring, or otherwise suitable for connecting and bonding.

The more a parent communicates her true thoughts and feelings, the more a child has the opportunity to learn to do the same. Yes, some kids (for biological reasons) won’t share no matter what the parent does. But most will.

Whether or not any of that happened between you and your daughter, you’re asking what you can do now. I’d suggest that you start the sharing game. You share first. Tell your daughter an interesting dilemma you faced and share how you felt about it, what you did about it, and what the outcome was. Ask her if she ever went through something like that. Or, share a news article with your daughter and share your feelings about it — your thoughts, ideas, fears, upset, whatever is real for you — and then ask her how she feels about it.

You too can learn about her by sharing your thoughts and feelings about so many different topics. You don’t have to share details of your lives (where you went, who you saw, who you spoke to, what was said). Many older children need to claim their privacy on their way to adulthood and specifically don’t want to bond by sharing the details of their activities. This alternative way of getting close may be just what the doctor ordered!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 916)

The post “My Daughter Only Communicates by Asking for Things” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.

Q

My husband gets very tense during the Yom Tov season and frequently loses his temper at both me and the kids. Naturally this ruins Yom Tov for all of us. I find myself walking on eggshells around him, but this doesn’t help. I don’t want to dread the entire month of Tishrei every year, but I don’t know what to do about it. Do you have any suggestions?

A

Unfortunately, in some people emotional stress leads to behavioral dysregulation, and in some of those same people, Yom Tov leads to emotional stress. Those who have an anxious tendency may be triggered by the expenses that the holidays can bring. Breadwinners often feel fear or pressure as their credit card statements suddenly reflect the innumerable purchases that often go into making Yom Tov.

In those with organizational and/or time management issues, the extra tasks and obligations that the holidays bring can foster a state of anxious overwhelm. Going to stay with relatives or having them move into one’s own home may be uncomfortable and pressurizing, especially for people who are easily disrupted by change in their routines. Lacking privacy or simple peace and quiet can be very stressful for those who are sensitive to excessive stimulation. Even having guests come and go just for meals can be draining, especially for people whose nervous systems are depleted by hours of noise, chaos, and activity. Anticipation of these challenges can produce increased stress even before the holiday begins.

In addition, spouses have to deal with each other’s increased stress levels. For instance, we see that you are (understandably) stressed about your husband’s combative behaviors. You may not be aware that he is likely stressed by your stress as well, including both your emotional “vibe” and your behavior as you struggle with all the extra holiday-induced demands on your time and energy. A woman’s tension affects her entire household and her comments about all that has to be done and how impossible or exhausting it is can increase everyone’s stress.

Any of these issues or others may be impacting your spouse who, according to your description of his behavior, struggles with impulse control. It sounds like his psyche is on high alert as the holidays approach and stays that way until the holidays pass, making him jumpy, agitated, and hostile. You know your husband better than anyone and therefore, you may be able to guess which of the many holiday challenges are most likely to be causing him stress.

But whether you know what bothers him or not, you should talk to him about his feelings. You can tell him that you notice that he’s more easily upset during the Yom Tov season and that you suspect that holiday stress is the culprit. You can talk to him about all the stresses described above and any others that you can think of. Showing compassion and understanding will help reduce defensiveness and improve the conversation. Talk about your own holiday-induced stress as well. Then let him know you’re concerned that the children see that Yom Tov brings misery and conflict. Let him know that you want to do whatever you can do on your part to create a calm atmosphere. Let him know how his anger affects you and the kids. Ask him if he can think of anything that could be changed to lessen the stress and frustration he obviously feels.

Then the two of you can brainstorm some options about how to handle stress without expressing anger. For instance, you can design three rewards, one of which will be granted to yourselves after Yom Tov — a small reward for at least trying to reduce conflict (include yourself in the problem even if you don’t feel you have a role, as it makes it easier for your husband to work on his anger-management issues), a medium reward for successfully reducing some of the usual conflict, and a big reward if the two of you feel that you have pretty well eradicated Yom Tov blowups.

Some people find negative consequences even more motivating. Therefore, you can also offer three levels of consequences for failure to remain pleasant.

Go ahead and read a few anger management books to scan for other strategies. Hopefully your husband will embrace the help you are offering for this problem, but if he resists, you can certainly suggest the help of a professional. You, your children, and your husband all deserve to enjoy the beauty and blessing of a harmonious Yom Tov season.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 915)

The post “My Husband Gets Very Tense During the Yom Tov Season” first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.