“Who and what gets prioritized? As a parent, your first responsibility is to your child”

Last Week:

Shaindy: “Even though every one of my bones is screaming in protest, I told Avrumi it was okay if he missed the Shabbos sheva brachos. I have no idea if I made the right choice. They say growing up brings hard choices, but I never had to choose between my family and my son before.”

Prioritizing Needs

Rayzel Reich

When resolving an issue involving various parties with conflicting needs, there are two levels of decision making:

1. Which person’s needs come first?
2. How can the other people and their needs best be addressed?

Let’s look at all the potentially conflicting needs here.

1. Avrumi wants to stay in yeshivah for Shabbos.
2. Avrumi and cousins should spend quality time together at the Shabbos sheva brachos.
3. Shaindy’s sister Malky, the kallah’s mother, shouldn’t be insulted.
4. Shaindy’s parents shouldn’t be upset.
5. Shaindy’s grandfather, Elter Zeidy, shouldn’t be hurt and should get to spend quality time with Avrumi.

Who and what gets prioritized? As a parent, your first responsibility is to your child. What is best for Avrumi in this situation? The most important source of information is Avrumi himself. Fortunately, he was open with his parents. His parents, to their credit, really heard him, and understood that he needed this time to settle into yeshivah.

What about Avrumi’s need to spend time with his cousins? Well, that need is valid, too. Will he feel bad in ten years that he missed out? Probably not, but if he does... that’s his choice to make. When it comes to gray areas like this, where there’s an important and valid need on the other side of the equation, it’s important to allow a relatively mature teenager to make their own decisions.

Malky has graciously shown her understanding that Avrumi needs to do what’s best for him. So that’s covered.

Shaindy’s parents are always going to be more of a challenge. Grandparents live for the joy of seeing all of their progeny together, and no matter how many other cousins are there, they’re going to see an Avrumi-sized hole. It’s sad for them. And that’s valid. You can’t make your son be in two places at the same time, but what you can do is empathize with your parents and do whatever is possible to give them the nachas they wish for.

The hardest piece of this is Elter Zeidy. Because let’s be honest — his time in This World is limited. And if he passes away in a few months, and Avrumi doesn’t see him again, that would indeed be a real loss. You still have to do what is best for your son, but you can also try to find ways to bridge the gap for your grandfather and encourage Avrumi to invest in his relationship with him and with your parents.