I’m trapped between my husband’s limitations and my friend’s needs

I don’t have an actual heart attack when I hear the crash from Rikki’s room, but I’m pretty sure I lose like ten years of youth. I run so fast, I’m practically flying, and push open the door, scared out of my mind. No blood in sight, thank G-d. Also, no kids in sight at all, baruch Hashem, baruch Hashem. What I do see is that the huge white wardrobe that housed the little girls’ clothing has fallen on its side — from the sheer weight of too many headbands?

Omigosh, the magnitude of the neis that no one was in the room hits me. I sink onto Yocheved’s bottom bunk, my knees literally giving out, and begin murmuring Mizmor L’sodah.

The kids start trickling in: Wow, their reactions are delayed when they’re playing Perpetual Commotion in the basement.

Rikki pokes her head in first, little forehead scrunched up. “Moooommy, what was that noi— Ahhh! Shiri, Leah, Peniiiina, come see the dresser in my room!”

Curls flying, tutus fluttering (Yocheved), they come prancing in, emitting girlish shrieks and lisping “Omigooosh”es.

We all just sit for a minute and stare at the mess; I say Mizmor L’sodah again slowly with them, and then reality sinks in.

I need to clean this up. And then I need a dresser. Like ASAP. Except, last I heard, furniture stores are not accepting cinnamon buns, which is all the commodity I have at the moment.

My heart is still fluttering when I go downstairs for garbage bags and gardening gloves and a broom. I want to get as much cleaned out before Mendy comes home from work — if I’m overwhelmed by what lies ahead of me, Mendy will be doubly so. I abandon plans for soup for dinner and pick up my phone from the counter where I’d been chopping onions.

On the way back upstairs, I text Yehudis, which is what I do when — no, it’s what I always do. The Felds moved to the block last year, and I finally found the friend I’d been looking for my entire life. Yehudis is hilarious and confident and competent. And she doesn’t mind taking care of people, which is a super huge red flag for some people. I’ve had friends who’ve headed for the hills the moment they picked up on a whiff of insecurity or neediness. Yeah, those were great experiences. I’m not the most confident person. I’m aware that I’m pretty, smart, funny. But I think coming home from summer camp in sixth grade and finding that my father had moved out kind of messed with my confidence for life. Which, you know, is just a blast.